This is the pit and I am the conductor.

Posted: October 11, 2010 in Twanks
Tags: , , , ,

It’s been a quiet weekend in twankland, but a few Nonnies starting rolling in tonight. One sent us something we weren’t certain qualified.

On a previous Twank for SR or ICY, a lot was brought up on MoG (Morgan Locklear). He writes a story called Bella Voce, vamp fic, that just isn’t that great tbh. I have attached a pic of his most recent twitter feed, trying to get a known fandom lady to read his story. She does not like to read 3rd person, and is a rare occasion when she does. His story is…..3rd person.

Some people just don’t have preferences for certain things. Most authors would shrug this off with a “to each their own.”

Or you could just badger them repeatedly until they submit to the fact that YOUR story will convert them:

When the reader asks what novel-quality third POV fics come to mind for Morgan, he declares:

WHAT AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF MODESTY! How honored those other two (suckier) authors must feel to be almost as good as Morgan.

His website, where he bounces back and forth between referring to himself in first and third person.

He realizes people are afraid to get invested in WIP fics, so he promotes, “Okay, here’s the link: Bella Voce is well crafted and well completed.”

Reminds his readers thatIt has come to my attention that there are many people who won’t even start a story unless it is complete.” Urges them: “So if you find yourself talking about Bella Voce you might want to include that fact. Thanks for all the traffic this week.”

In the same vein, says this of his own story:

*wank* *wank* *wank*

Loving himself raw there.

Sings and records songs for his own story.

Is the one responsible for getting husbands into fic by “having a dood friendly story that is also appealing to the ladies.”

Not to pimp my own work, but as I writer, I have my characters ask questions and it leads the story down better paths.

Just in case you missed his other gazillion self-promotions…

Then there’s this, posted on the discussion thread made for him on Twilighted for Bella Voce:

Let me make one thing perfectly clear…on this thread I will personally run off anyone who uses this place to do anything except celebrating the fandom and it’s accomplishments.

At least he’s honest about the “affirmations only go here” thing.

Twankas arejust jealous.”

Pushes another reader to make him a promotional video, even though she’s short on time, in exchange for retweets and him reading her story.

ZOMGZ my mention on Twankhard got me 100 readers!

And here, we thought it was because, as you yourself boast, your story is so “well crafted” and “has a poetic style that celebrates a classic kind of story telling without being dense” and “a defined wit that will give you giggles and even Belly laughs combined with a kick ass old school vampire approach.”

Did we mention that we love it when wankers review their own stories?

Because we do.

ETA: Arrogance is not a crime!

ETA2: “you think of my pee pee [sic] when you masturbate.”


All four people who said they couldn’t complete it have my apologies, I write at an above third grade level so I can understand your confusion.


  1. oh jeebus says:

    Blah. I tried reading his story a few months ago but couldn’t get past the first few chapters. It’s not that great and he’s really annoying and too self-important.

  2. Ha. 100 more readers? Or 100 more people who want to be informed and know what they speak of when they continue to put you in your place?

    I started this fic many many months ago and quit it after 2 chapters. The Edward is not at all someone I want to read about… which is sad if a “dood” really did write this.

    • I'm not telling says:

      I don’t think he realized that it’s because he marked the story complete…I got about 100 new readers to my little crap piece of fic when it was finished too! and it was not in 3rd person…so it wasn’t hard to read…lolz

  3. twankhardfan numberone says:

    What a wanker. Any guy who reads Twilight and then goes and writes Twi FF ought to be strung up by his balls (that is if he has any)

  4. Anonymous says:

    Haven’t read this fic, but if memory serves, I believe that ML once thanked SR on the UOEM thread for giving him the courage to openly post twific as a man.

    I’ll just leave it at that…

  5. TwankNonnie says:

    Oh, but you can’t forget that for awhile there, they were sending out “Bella Voce” songs to certain reviewers for hitting specific marks. 500..1000

    Specifically, I just like the big headed ego Mog has. I can think of a ton better 3pov fics than BV. I too started reading and couldn’t get past a certain point. Nothing about this fic screamed Twilight to me.

  6. woof says:

    So I had this fic on my ReadItLater list to check out when I had the time…it is now deleted, merely because I don’t like douchebag authors, no matter the gender.

    • I'm not telling says:

      Don’t let ML hear you say that! He’s sure that him being mentioned on Twank is bringing him all kinds of new traffic!

  7. Anonymous says:

    In all the interactions I’ve had with Morgan Locklear, he’s been unfailingly friendly, funny and kind, so I’ll gladly give him the benefit of the doubt over anything I read here.

    And you’re really going to criticize a guy just because he’s writing fanction? I’m referring to “Any guy who reads Twilight and then goes and writes Twi FF ought to be strung up by his balls (that is if he has any),” above. Nice sexist generalizing there.

    • Anonymous says:

      I have not read his story and have not heard much about him. I was very upset to see his behavior in the U of Em thread last week though.

    • twankhardfan numberone says:

      I see the minions are onto me.LOL
      Actually I’m not just criticising him for writing FF, I’m criticising him about writing Twilight FF specifically AND for being an arrogant douchebag (as can be seen from the Twi threads) and from the above evidence. I thought that was made clear from my first sentence ” What a wanker” above. And if I have no respect for some conceited loser who writes Twilight FF and hangs about on the Twi threads and has hissy fits with a bunch of women then yeah I ‘m totally sexist. Cause you know, I so want a man like that in my life………he’s THE perfect specimen cause he writes about Edward and Bella.

      • Anonymous says:

        Fuck the minions, if my husband was acting like a precious, princess bitch, I’d be sending him out to reclaim his manhood. Do we have to be politically correct on twank? I’m guessing Mog stands for master of gayness, but thats a stab in the dark 😉

    • Anonymouse says:

      Yes but in the posts we’ve seen here he’s clearly so far up his own arse that he’s coming out of his throat. Sexism’s got nothing to do with it. The twank is that he loves himself and his writing too much.

    • I'm not telling says:

      Anonymous says:
      October 11, 2010 at 2:12 am
      “In all the interactions I’ve had with Morgan Locklear, he’s been unfailingly friendly, funny and kind, so I’ll gladly give him the benefit of the doubt over anything I read here”

      ~ah…so he was fake…got it!

  8. Monkey Bum says:

    I tried to read this story. The “poetic writing” has the sensuality of an OB/GYN exam.

    • I'm not telling says:

      AND DONE! Best comment…~fin

      • WTFchuck? says:

        Wow! That awkward? Lucky i didn’t read it then.

        See I was looking for this fic a while back as people were talking it up. Funny, even back then i couldn’t find it for the authors ego.

        Also, he tried talking up one of my friends on Twitter, telling her how beautiful she was, then asked if she’d read his story. HA!

        • anonymous says:

          Oh hey, he did that to one of my friends too! Needless to say, she was throughly grossed out and never tried to read his fic after that.. lmao

  9. cookiemonster says:

    I’ve definitely read worse stories (and some are inexplicably poopular), but if Herr Locklear were to ask me why I’m not reading his, it’s not because his tireless self-promotion has failed. It’s because I’m not interested in historical stories where the characters sound modern, nor am I excited about Bella being a vampire. I do wonder if he’s writing for himself or for the adulation he seems to need.

    • still working on that anonymous name says:

      What do you mean those are your (completely sane and respectable) reasons for not reading? Didn’t you see his tweets? People ONLY DO NOT READ IT BECAUSE IT IS IN 3rd person POV. Sheesh.

  10. nonnie nonnie boo boo says:

    Why does he feel the need to point out that he has “lemons written by a man?” If this guy thinks he’s such a great writer and can do third person so well, why doesn’t he take all this energy, use it to write something original, and sell himself to publishers? (ahem…*real* publishers.) Apparently it’s because he’s not quite as fabulous as he thinks he is.

    • Monkey Bum says:

      I think he mentions “lemons by a man” for the same reason the tweens write “this is my first fic, please be gentle…” in other words, I’m still a virgin and have no idea how to write a sex scene.

    • Anonymouse says:

      How long do we give it before BV gets selected by Omnific for ‘publication’?

      • Anonymous says:

        Well as ML states himself on more than one occasion, BV is a novel!

        As such, it would make perfect sense for a publishing house with such prestige as Omnific to publish it!

        They are a perfect match!!!!!

  11. AnonymousHonesty says:

    I didn’t read The University of Edward Masen because it was too pretentious and because it was 3rd person. Most fics DON’T do 3rd person right. Yeah most books are 3rd but their editors and stuff know how to help them do it right.

    I started Bella Voce but lost interest when Rosalie had a roll around with Jacob in the wagon and she started levitation. It just got really boring. Bella Voce really is boring. It being 3rd is just secondary.

    • I'm not telling says:

      I agree that BV is just plain boring. I tried, but just couldn’t make it past ch 11! It’s quite pretentious…and not in a good way!

      But- then again, he regularly (on twitter) and elsewhere I assume…he refers to himself as a “Novelist”

      yes bc all us ff writers are “novalists…”

    • Anon E Mouse says:

      I flounced when Rosalie and Jake hooked up as well. The story just didn’t grab me or keep me reading.

  12. Anonymous says:

    The funniest thing about Morgan Locklear is the fact that he refers to his FanFiction story as a book and a novel. Someone needs to send him a memo and let him know this is FF not real literature, what a douche!

    I flounced chapters back as I couldn’t stand all the self love going on.

    Knowing that Squally is a pre-reader should of been warning enough to all!

    • AnonymousHonesty says:

      ROTFLMAO! Squally is the red flag of death for a fic eh?

      • BOO! says:

        More of a turn off, I think.

        • anonymous says:

          Squally pre-reads?!
          The only words she can actually spell are ‘I’ and ‘me’ so really – enough said, right there.

          • twankhardfan numberone says:

            LMAO ITA The mind boggles at Squally pre-reading

            • I'm not telling says:

              Hey! Squally is an awesome ore-reader- just look at his A/N for the final chapter of his first “novel” He thanks her…profusely…

              “I wish to extend thanks to the following:

              Squally: You opened a lot of doors for me and, as a pre-reader, you never let me get away with lazy storytelling. Thank you.”

              Twank! How have you NOT posted his long winded A/N where he gracelessly thanks people

  13. Anonymatopoeia says:

    Is it just me or is that Tazz royalty person sucking up to a lot of twankers?

    • I'm not telling says:

      Why are you even talking about Tazz? Did you not see all the lulz for MOG?! Stick with the program and issue at hand please.

      • Anonymatopoeia says:

        It’s the ciiiiiiiiiiiiiircle of twank… besides, I was over this one when he started recording his own playlist. That’s some serious hilarious self-importance. And I want to follow this person… I’m all about the NEXT twank.

        • Anonymous says:

          Claiming ignorance. Who or what the fuck is Tazz?

          • Anonymatopoeia says:

            Usually found fellating MOTU author, but compared this blog to bullying of gay teens, As Seen on Ellen! You can see the BV author tweet at her to add his victim plea to her crusade.

            • anonymous says:

              This from a man who attacked someone on the Twilighted forums only a week ago? And says that he’ll run people away from forums if they don’t behave the way that he wants them to behave? Weird.

      • Anonymous says:

        There are a lot of nuts in this fandom so referring to more isn’t a bad thing. They all need to be called out. This nut has her own “paper” WTF? And it wasn’t enough to have a paper but to name it after herself?

        But to go back on Morgan Locklear, what the fuck does MOG mean?

  14. BOO! says:

    Tragic … Seriously, what a dick! I read, I flounced, it was mediocre and being in 3rd person did not help it’s cause.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Holy shit, I thought sleepyval had a big ego. This guy’s like six of the worst BNFs rolled into one.

    • Twilight Slush says:

      Sleepyval’s ego is so huge it’s disgusting. She should have a twank of her own. And her constant talk about her husband “the peen”, how much sex they have, her amazing good looks and musical theater/dancing talent, and her overly pretentious writing makes me want to stick a pencil in my eye. Not to mention, have you read what some of her characters say? People don’t talk like that!

      • AnonymousHonesty says:

        Tell me about it! All I know is, Art After 5 was an “accidental novel” and from what I’ve read through snippets it’s quite factual based on her own life but she vehemently denies that it’s autobiographical. Maybe not completely but good snippets are. From what I’ve pieced together from her Bella’s colorful life pre-Edward is sleepyval to a T.

        • yomama says:

          Sleepy needs a twank based on her twitpics alone. I want someone to tell her she is pretty so she will stop. And ok Sleepy, we get it, you were poor and now you have a little bit of money. Stop brand name dropping.

          • AnonymousHonesty says:

            Some are just conceited like that.

            • Anonymous says:

              She’s not conceited; she’s crying out for validation. Strange how she seems to want to be taken seriously and then trivializes herself by posing as a superficial drunk.

              Watch her when she feels ignored on twitter and see what happens. She’ll almost always say something vulgar or provocative and then leave. It’s like watching a child throw a tantrum.

              This, plus the peen talk makes me doubt that the talk over at Inficted is any more literate than anywhere else. To find out, you’d have to get past giselle droning on about twilight fanfic as literary phenomenon, the superiority of canon writing, and her own razor sharp cheekbones. Drunk on her own ego, while Sleepy seems drunk, period.

              • Twilight slush says:

                So true. I think it’s time to get some screen shots together of her twitpics and send them in.

                And the validation is nauseating. And why does she feel the need to big a huge fucking deal about pulling aa5 only to put it back on the blog THEN take it down again and THEN put it back up again? I mean, are you pulling the story or not? I also love how she gets pissed when people share it because she wants to publish someday. Gag.

              • hm says:

                inficted is no more literate than any other LJ comm.

              • cookiemonster says:

                I agree. I think she’s actually got some LOW self-esteem issues. She wants to be taken seriously but spends most of her time talking about superficial things like clothes, sex, and booze and then wonders why people shy away from her. She also likes playing the victim card, rehashing over and over the hate site GiveUsAKiss413 (now there’s a case of someone whose head needs its own zip code) started about her.

                Giselle’s ego needs its own solar system.

                • Anon E Mouse says:

                  Who is Giselle? I keep picturing Amy Adams in Enchanted. 😀 lol

                • thankfuckimnotawriter says:

                  Wut? What hate site? Need the link stat!

                  • Anonymous says:

                    Does anyone have links to pics of Gisellelx and GiveUsAKiss413? All of this talk about cheekbones and weight makes me want to see their perfection for myself.

                • Twilight Slush says:

                  Wait, what happened with GiveUsAKiss413?! Deets!!

                  • cookiemonster says:

                    Gisellelx wrote “Ithaca is Gorges” and some other stories. She was the Comic Con panel person that some horny dude writer crushed one, referencing her cheekbones that could cut glass. She likes to take an intellectual approach to fan fiction and is friends with sleepyval (Colleen).

                    GiveUsAKiss413 (Tasha) started a LJ community called something like “DIAF Colleen”. I’m sure I’ve got the name wrong. She had at least one Podcast. She hates Colleen and mainly complains about C’s size — which is pretty lame if you ask me. The LJ site only lasted a few weeks and it was at least 6 months ago that it was active, but Colleen won’t stop mentioning it. She’s got a valid point — the hate she gets because people don’t like the age difference in the AA5 characters is over the top — but it gets old after a few years.

                    Tasha has the biggest ego I’ve seen in the ff community. She’ll yack on and on about how fabulous her writing is and how skinny she is. Neither “fact” impresses me.

                    • Anne Nonnie Mouse says:

                      Never got the ego vibe from giselle-lx. Just the opposite, really. Most popular authors don’t respond back to reviews or comments. I really don’t expect a reply. I’ve actually heard back from giselle-lx and she’s very gracious.

                      Don’t know about sleepyval or the others, but thought AA5 was very good and have been meaning to read Counterpoint.

                    • yomama says:

                      The hate Sleepy gets from me is from her pretentious posts and name dropping on Twitter – IDGAF about your Prada schmada shoes or whateverthefuck. She ruined her stories for me with her mouth.

                    • amaaaazed says:

                      *eats popcorn while learning new things*

                      how did i miss this? and yah, sleepyval ruined her stories with her personality and then the whole pull-fic game she’s playing. i didn’t mind the age difference, but her writing style is too stilted and stuffy for my taste. maybe it was because her bella/edward were EXTREMELY pretentious, but since aa5 is supposedly reflective of her real life, it’s not a stretch to think she’s pretentious, too.

                    • Anonymous says:

                      OMGOMGOMG I totally met giselle and she was all literature this and literautre that and I’m like look if it was literature people wouldn’t want to read it! Do millions of people read Wuthering Heights, NO! People read fic because its fun, why do people like her have to insist on taking the fun away! Its not supposed to be good!

                    • Anonymouse says:

                      “Do millions of people read Wuthering Heights, NO!”

                      Umm… I’m fairly sure that the millions of people who have read (and re-read) WH since it’s publication outnumber the number of Twific readers. By a ridiculous amount.

                    • Anonymous says:

                      “Umm… I’m fairly sure that the millions of people who have read (and re-read) WH since it’s publication outnumber the number of Twific readers.”

                      well first of all if its for class it doesn’t count! Because I asked and no one in my class finished it, its boring, or they just read the end because the teacher always asks about the end. LOL I b et that’s what giselle’s students do and she doesnt even know it.

                      And anyway I don’t think its millions anyway … back in the old days there were less people and not everyone could read, and even if they did read Wuthering Heigts its not like they had lots of choices … “oh what am I going to read lets see theres the Scarlet letter Wuthering Heights or I can read the Bible again … HMMM what am I going to do” And I think its important, now people can read anything and they CHOOSE to read fic.

                      But now there are seven billion people and we have the Internet and don’t have to pay to read fic like people back then paid to read books, dont you think more people will read fiC! They would of read it back then if they had it DUH.

                    • Anonymous says:

                      “But now there are seven billion people and we have the Internet and don’t have to pay to read fic like people back then paid to read books, dont you think more people will read fiC! They would of read it back then if they had it DUH.”

                      This argument made Giselle’s classroom and fanfic efforts look worthwhile without even half-trying. Honey, you need help in basic math, logical reasoning, grammar, *and* writing.

                      You get what you pay for, and fics are free. Most are entertaining lady-porn diversions, but to equate them with literature is ludicrous. There’s no comparison, period.

                      Back in the old days, like this afternoon, some people were still reading books and enjoying them. Classics stand the test of time because they speak to us of feelings and experiences that are common to us as human. Stories about the size of Edward’s manly parts will be eclipsed soon enough by the next big fad to come along.

                  • Anonymous says:

                    “Most are entertaining lady-porn diversions, but to equate them with literature is ludicrous. There’s no comparison, period.”

                    See you agree wit me! Like I said giselle keeps talking about literature but its completely different! People wnat to read fic because its fun, they don’t want to read literature because its not fun! COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

                    “Classics stand the test of time because they speak to us of feelings and experiences that are common to us as human.”

                    whatever! No one cares about that, if they did would they make you read those book in school, they wouldnt have to you would read them on your own right!

                    • Anonymous says:

                      I couldn’t agree with you if I tried. I read books because I enjoy them, and never had to be made to read them in school because I wanted to learn.

                      Your foolish, misspelled rant made the case for the precise opposite of what you intended. Be stupid, keep reading the Ex-Factor and CW&IA, and practice your lap-dancing skills, honey. You’ll need them.

                • Anonymous says:

                  Giselle’s ego needs its own solar system.

                  Word. I still haven’t rescued my jaw from the floor after she gave Peter Facinelli a bound copy of her fanfic at the Creation Entertainment event in the spring.

                  • Anon1 says:

                    I just spat my coffee – a bound copy of a Twilight ff to one of the actors? That, right there, is twank of the year material. JFC that is unbelievable!

                  • amaaaazed says:


                    JFC! Were these people born yesterday?

                    • Anonymous says:

                      Oh. Um. *looks around cautiously*

                      Does that mean that I shouldn’t have gotten Rob to act out scenes from The Office with me?

                      My bad.

                      I mean, he seemed really into it and the video camera at the other end of the conference table seemed like a green light and he had the whole fic PDFed to his kindle for fuck’s sake!

                    • amaaaazed says:

                      It was a test.

                      You failed.

                      That’s why you haven’t been invited to any of the meetings.

                    • Anonymous says:

                      Oh well. It was worth it being slammed up against that huge ass window.

                      I’m not much of a joiner anyway….

              • AnonymousHonesty says:

                Conceited on her clothes and money but I agree that she’s a cry for attention. FF is that way for a lot of people out there. To me, she uses that DIAF thing to validate anything off she says now.

                I don’t know anything about Giselle but all this “intellectuals” in the fandom are driving me crazy. It’s fanfiction people. It’s not literature prose. Get off the elitist ladder and STFU

                • Anne Nonnie Mouse says:

                  I like everything from intellectual fic to PWP. Depends on my mood. There’s lots of PWP, but not enough smart fic. Room enough for all sorts of fic, I think.

                  I like to see writers working towards something better than a well-written lemon.

                  (Lemons are nice too.)

                  • Twilight Slush says:

                    There is nothing wrong with intellectual FF. But I DO find a problem with pretentious writing (AA5, UoEM) and talking down to readers when they might not a. understand or b. disagree with the character’s actions and motivations.

                    On the AA5 Twilighted thread alone are countless examples of Sleepyval get disgruntles with her readers because they disagreed with what the character’s actions. One reader if said she was surprised by the number of sexual partners Bella had in AA5 and Sleepyval told this person that she was calling Bella a slut and therefore calling Sleepyval a slut because she’s had more partners than that. Talk about self-insert. The reader WASN’T calling SV a slut. All she said was that she felt Bella had a lot of sexual partners.

                    Anyway, I digress…

                    Agree to disagree?

                    • Twilight Slush says:

                      Wow, wish I could type!! I’d blame the wine but sadly it’s all me.

                    • Anne Nonnie Mouse says:

                      I agree about not liking pretentious writing. Maybe I would have gotten a different impression if I followed the AA5 Twilighted thread. Dunno.

                      The whole UoEM thing — I’m steering clear. Eventually the dust will settle.

                      Agree to disagree? Of course. The world would be awful damn boring if everyone thought the same way.

                    • AnonymousHonesty says:

                      Agreed and this is what I was saying. FF has turned intellectual into pretentious. SV’s mention that she had more sexual partners than Bella solidified that AA5 is a self-insert. No one gives a fuck how many dicks she’s sucked or fucked but she got pissed that people weren’t *getting* the genius of her life. It turned me off her and that fic. I lurked on that thread and couldn’t do anything but jaw drop at her attitude.

                      She got so uptight about readers *complain, bashing and not getting it* when it’s just a fic but you only get THAT unnerves when it’s a self insert. You can just tell which fics have lots of stuff based off the authors RL.

                      Her husband is younger than her, he went to Princeton, she went to the small lib arts in Amish town, USA, he’s Jewish with money, she was the skanky on for years and he tamed her, etc.

                      Self insert? Duh. Too much based on real life.

                    • yomama says:

                      I completely agree with you. She thinks you are a complete idiot if you don’t get her meaning behind things.

                    • Anon E Mouse says:

                      I never knew anything personal about SleepyVal and never visited the AA5 forum, but wow. And SV, if you are reading this, having that many sexual partners does mean that you were a slut back in the day. I’m not being sexist. I’d be equally grossed out by a guy who slutted around that much too. If I remember correctly, wasn’t it 50+?

                      I didn’t realize that she was married to a younger man who went to Princeton. Yep, very Mary Sue.

                    • amaaaazed says:

                      I totally agree! There is a difference between smart/intellectual stories and stories that throw barbs at its very audience. The horrid thing is that the writers and the reviewers can’t seem to tell the difference.

                • Anonymous says:

                  How else would an erstwhile academic justify time spent writing and reading fanfiction than by exalting it? There was talk at ComicCon of degree candidates writing theses or dissertations about fanfiction. If that’s really the case, our secondary-education system is well and truly crocked.

                  Giselle may be nice to individual readers, but I’ve also seen her be incredibly pompous about her writing and about canon writing in general. Watching her in action on twatter and at ComicCon put me off reading anything she writes. I wouldn’t be surprised if her Carlisles are self-inserts, given that he’s her favorite and she’s such a brilliant, mature, and compassionate individual herself.

                  Excuse me while I dab my eyes delicately with a hankie. Laughing this hard is strenuous work.

                  • Anne Nonnie Mouse says:

                    It’s actually pretty common for the Twi actors to receive gifts & mementos from fans — t-shirts, drawings, et cetera.

                    • Anonymous says:

                      Sometimes people send their favorite actors/actresses wedding rings, too. It’s…pretentious to think one is a special and unique snowflake whose gift is just that special.

                    • amaaaazed says:

                      I don’t see the problem with gifts like that though not a lot of celebs actually keep that stuff, so it’s probably a waste of time and resources to do that. I’m not sure if I’ve read her stuff, but if it’s anything like most the Twific out there, I would not want to give it any of the actors in the movies. That’s just plain weird to me. It takes some serious confidence though.

                  • Anonymous says:

                    I was at the Comic Con panel and Giselle’s approach was almost laughable at times. I agreed with the previous poster that she came across as anything but gracious and dominated the panel for her own benefit. She talked about how she was trying to find an agent (writing original work) and about her education and about her extreme knowledge of REALLY BIG BIG WORDS *clapclapclap* It was so over the top that I wanted to tell her, “You do know you’re talking about FANFICTION, right?”
                    As far as sleepval, I’ve never read anything of her’s but I’ve seen her in action on multiple twi-communities and every question, ever response, is a way for her to prove her intellectual superiority.
                    I don’t know what sleepval and Giselle hope to accomplish by trying to prove they’re ‘smarter’ and more well-versed than others, except to make me scratch my head and wonder, “You write fanfiction. Thus, you’re really not that smart.” It’s seriously my biggest pet peeve of the fandom. Most of these egowanks are all the same. They think they write better, they know better and are just all around smarter than the rest of us. What they don’t know is there are some very modest writers who are engineers and lawyers and scientists and professors. They write FF for fun, not so that everyone knows how smart they are so, you cna be jealous of a FF writer. No. For fun.
                    If you want to show everyone you know how brilliant you are, write your own work and stay off of us pee-on’s of the FF world.

                    • amaaaazed says:

                      I think a lot of smart people write all sorts of fanfiction in different fandoms. I just don’t like the smart people who feel the need to toot their own horn and try to prove how many REALLY BIG WORDS they know.

                  • Anonymous says:

                    Watching her in action on twatter and at ComicCon put me off reading anything she writes.

                    Really. She tweets PFach *all the time* like they have some kind of relationship.

                    Also, according to, here’s who I’m following that isn’t following me back:

                    Obama, J.K. Rowling, Summit, NASA, PFach, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Billy Burke, Rachelle LeFevre, CNN, Hannah81, giselle-lx, and ScrambledMeggz.

                    Which of these are not like the others? Which of these just…don’t belong?

                    • amaaaazed says:

                      Oh, celeb twitters! Tricking delusional freaks into believing they could actually be friends with their favorite celebrities everyday! It couldn’t just be another means for them to promote themselves? No way! They love you! They love the attention! But especially the attention from you, and they’ll remember it when you stalk… I mean MEET them in person.

                    • Chocolate Anony Mousse says:

                      You can’t be hurt if Hannah81 isn’t following you. WesEdward is taking up too much of her time.

                • vb says:

                  My main issue with AA5 is that Bella has zero redeeming qualities as a character. I just hated her from start to finish, even after she’s allegedly “reformed”.

        • thankfuckimnotawriter says:

          Haha, I think sluttyvalentina’s Bella is a first class Mary Sue.

          • AnonymousHonesty says:

            No, I don’t think so. The most real Mary Sue I’ve ever read in a fic is The Gentleman of Washington State’s Bella. Jeez Louse! The men in that fic think he shit smells like freesias, lavender, roses and sunshine all wrapped up in a big perfect bow. She’s not that awesome but let the fic tell it a man talks to her and he falls head over heels.

            It’s quite boggling to read.

            • thankfuckimnotawriter says:

              Ah, she’s a Mary Sue alright, because she’s everything sluttyval would like to be.
              She’s just so full of it.



            • Imma Nonnie Tooooooo says:

              To each her own I guess. 🙂 Personally, I love GFWS … IMHO it’s smartly written and I love the politics of it. It’s a 3rd POV written well.

              I actually prefer 3rd POV; the lion’s share of my top fics are all in third. But of course, that’s that catch – if they aren’t written well, or if the story doesn’t engage me, it loses me.

              I tried Morgan Locklear’s fic, and it just … lost me.

              I think self pimping is fine (I’ve done it myself). Most of us tweet if we’ve updated or whatever. This blatant harassment and foisting of one’s fics on other people is not only twankworthy, it’s rude. This guy (if he really is a guy) is one of a handful of really aggressive writers.

            • amaaaazed says:

              Oh brother, Gentleman of Washington State. All I can think when I see that author profile is that Betty Smith is probably climbing out of her grave to haunt the person behind that fic.

              • AnonymousHonesty says:


                • amaaaazed says:

                  lol, don’t get me wrong. I’m still reading that story loosely, but I just think writing a fanfic under the name of a real life writer is strange. That being said, I hope everyone goes out to read my story “The Sparkling and the Slutty” by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

                  Seriously, it’s the greatest thing to hit fanfic since FANFIC. I completely reinvent the wheel with this one, you guise! You’d think you couldn’t roll a square box, but I’ve made it happen with my wonderful and new rendition of Edward and Bella. I hope you guise love it! My mom does! She’s not just my editor. She’s my biggest fan!

                  • AnonymousHonesty says:

                    Betty Smith’s picture creeps me the fuck out so I’m picturing her haunting and it’s really creeping me out. But I know it is strange. Pay homage to your favorite author with the picture not the name and signing off BETTY. You’re not Betty!

                    The Sparkly and the Slutty? Isn’t that Laid Bare? You stealer! Imma gonna report you for stealing copyrighted work! Stop plagiarizing!

                    • AnonymousHonesty says:

                      And let the record SHOW that I like that fic sometimes and hold no ill towards and Brits is cool but The Sparkly and the Slutty just is that fic in a nutshell. Just sayin is all.

                      Among others.

                    • amaaaazed says:

                      I don’t know what you’re talking about! There are distinct differences between “The Sparkly and the Slutty” and “Laid Bare.” For one, I completely turn the fandom world on its axis. The Sparkly is Bella, and Edward is the Slutty. Completely different! AND NEW! Nobody writes a slutty Vampire Edward quite the way I do, which is to say nobody writes him as great as I do. Dare I say that even Stephenie Meyer can’t quite reach the heights in which I take him? Yes. I do dare. IJAF. Not only does my story have that twist, but it’s written in a way seldom seen in Twific. It might be off putting at first, but I’m begging. No. I’m pleading that you guise give it the ole college try, for me? It’s written completely in the second person. PUTTING YOU RIGHT IN THE STORY! You’ll never experience a fic quite like this. I’m quite certain. Quite. Certain. That you will NEVER experience it.

                      Oh, and Yes… I hate that she signs off as “Betty.” Way to do a disservice to her favorite writer, js. And I’d say that about anybody who assumes another well-known writer’s name as their fanfic name.

                      Scotty Fitz

                    • Betty Smith says:

                      I’m not Betty?! Damn. I’m the last to know. Seriously, I picked the name out of thin air. If I had thought about it longer, it might have been a better name.

                  • Chocolate Anony Mousse says:

                    “The Sparkling and the Slutty”

                    Please let me hug your boobs for that.

              • Betty Smith says:

                LMAO. I’ll let you know if Betty Smith haunts me. And yeah, I read this board because it’s good to know what’s going on in the world.

                • amaaaazed says:


                  I’m not sure what the dig after “and yeah” is about. Are you saying that those of us on this board don’t know what’s going in the world, meaning THE WORLD that actually matters? If so, cool story, bro! I love it when people think making an assumption equals an insult. I am disappoint unless you are really accepting of this with a sense of humor. Too which I’d say, good on ye! Best wishes with the haunting! Scotty sez hello!

                  • Betty Smith says:

                    Wow. I write tongue in cheek, but my statement was not.

                    1. LMAO – I was laughing because it was funny.

                    2. And yeah – I admitted that I read these boards, which even reading them is considered turncoat behavior by some.

                    3. What’s going on in the world – I read these boards because there are some kernels of truth in some of the readers comments. Regardless, it’s good to know what people are thinking – even if you disagree.

              • Anonymous says:

                This is one of those stories that seem to be enjoyed by many, but I dislike it. I gave it a few more chapters because I try to give author’s a chance to sell me on their fic, but this one seemed lacking from the very beginning and never came close to winning me over. Now, the Cullen Campaign has me sold. That author knows how to approach politics with flair and intelligence and the tension/witty banter makes it far more interesting. That author also responds to reviews which I appreciate. GFWS seems so blah in comparison. I’ve skimmed recent chapters to see if I made a mistake in my opinions of the fic, and they even dropped further. I give up on that one. I enjoy 3rd person fics usually.
                oh well.

      • Anonymous says:

        I never got that far. I got pissed halfway through AA5 when she kept looking down on people who just wouldn’t understand her characterizations and kept remarking that Edward and Bella always seemed so cold and mean though they were supposed to be in love. It took me some time to *get* it but it’s finally all clear: Every character this lady writes sounds exactly the same. Every character sounds like her. Superior, snotty, smarter than you.

        • anonymous says:

          ‘superior, snotty, smarter than you’.
          sleepyval is therefore SR in disguise?!

        • Anonymous says:

          For real yo! If you’re not smart enough to get her characters that you shouldn’t say anything. She only wants to hear from those who will kiss her ass and say it’s great. While the rest aren’t giving constructive criticism but bashing her.

          Bella was a total slutty snob, a funny contradiction but it IS sleepyval in the fic flesh form so it works.

          • Anonymous says:

            Whenever sleepyval discusses fics (and she knows how to hand out criticism!) she always comes back to her own. ALWAYS. It’s always “Here I am, writer of AA5, who did everything that should be done. Now praise my genius!”

            • Anonymous says:

              Someone called her out on her Twilighted thread when she said her stories all deserved their blue ribbons “IMO.” She did not like.

              • AnonymousHonesty says:

                She does NOT like anything other than praise. I archived that thread again for some reminders and was reminded of her saying “character frustration is not constructive criticism” now according to her you cannot voice your frustrations about her characters because it isn’t nice.

                And she thinks she can publish and get all praise and smiles? Oh reeeeaaaallllyy.

                That thread is full of laughs. I kick back with my alcohol and got lots of lulz over it.

                • Anon E Mouse says:

                  My fic pet peeve is when authors gripe about reviews. I can understand griping about a review that says something along the line of, “That sucks.” I imagine that most authors can easily dismiss those without a big blow to the ego. But I’ve seen authors freak over things that weren’t even that critical. I guess they were ticked just because it wasn’t over flowing praise.

                  If you don’t want criticism, don’t put your fic out there for public consumption.

                  • AnonymousHonesty says:

                    When they gripe like that they get validation and more reviews saying “Well I LIKE how you write it! Fuck the haters! YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND I >3 MUCHO” and it makes the author feel all warm and fuzz being reminded how awesome they are.

                  • Anonymous says:

                    One of my favorite hoof-in-mouth moments was when Lillybellis twatted about how crappy it was that readers alerted her stories on ff instead of reviewing. (The *nerve*!)

                    Around that same time, she was bitching on the Gazebo about readers who were kind enough to compliment her on her writing and suggested that she could write a book. Mocking readers who bothered to review, in other words.

                    After that, I wouldn’t have followed her or read her work again. Why people think the interwebz aren’t public, even on closed sites or twatter accounts, is beyond me.

                    • Anona says:

                      Mac214 is guilty of this. Unless you gush over her wonderful writing skillz, beware!

                    • Anonymous says:

                      People can’t keep straight what they want. It’s either they want longer reviews, shorter, none, concrit, no concrit, no alerts, only alerts…but to be fair, readers are just as impossible to please.

                    • Anonymous says:

                      So right on. Lillybellis will whine over twitter if someone gives a harsh review, or plead for readers with a “I’m posting, If anyone of the three people who read my stuff is interested,” but what she doesn’t realize is, many of us are privy to things said in ‘private’ communities. Being a part of author bashing when she would be butthurt if someone did it to her or mocking readers is just shady especially since she, herself, has boo-hoo’d about it herself. If she didn’t give a fuck and openly said so, it would be one thing but she isn’t. Don’t act one way to people on twatter, play nicey-nice to readers, other authors and followers, and then bash behind their back. They’ll find out and then it makes you look stupid.

                    • cookiemonster says:

                      littlesecret one tweet-bitched about how when she would post a new chapter for a work in progress, some dumb readers would have the audacity to post reviews for completed stories.

                • Anonymous says:

                  I remember when she first announced “publication” like it was already a given. It’s now…what, seven months later? Gee, I can’t imagine why agents and publishers weren’t fighting with each other over that profound piece of epic literature!

                  • Twilight Slush says:

                    Blech. That’s because she’s been too busy fulfilling her FGB obligations.

                  • Chocolate Anony Mousse says:

                    I get negative reviews all the time. I take it in stride and get over it. It’s not like I’m getting paid for this, it’s not my job, it’s not something I’m really good at. I write because it’s fun and I put it up to see what other people think. Most responses are fantastic, but some are not so great.

                    I won’t ever insult a reader for reviewing or not reviewing (not publically anyway). I’m grateful they take the time to read and give me their thoughts. I’m not going to be a jerk about it.

                  • Anonymous says:

                    Oh, littlesecret84. Where to begin with that one? We call her “Wolverine” because despite her cute come-hither KStew avatars on twatter, that one seems pretty hideous up close. She’s vicious and aggressive – all the better to silence anyone who disagrees with her, but really, why would anyone waste their time debating this poorly informed halfwit? If it’s her way or the highway, I’d pick the open road every time.

                    As for her writing, well… I’ll let someone else address that. I’ve never been able to stomach more than a paragraph or two at a time before having to make a Brown Study of my own.

                    • cookiemonster says:

                      littlesecret’s Kstew-induced porn (kripples!) tweets are an embarrassment of riches. I think the only reason she’s on ADF is so she can shove the lackluster Stewie down everyone’s throat.

                    • Anonymous says:

                      She’s creepy with the KStew love, like, seriously creepy. She is the type of person every celebrity fears. It’s over the top and just fucked up. (and it has nothing to do with it being KS. if anyone tweeted and was obsessed with any celebrity as she was it would be horrifying.) I’m waiting for the day she and ABG team up to track down Rob and Kristen and cholorform them to kidnip them to some secret hideaway they’ve found. I follow her for the pure amusement that IS her. She tweets more than anyone else in the fandom (Is she a lawyer? I don’t know any other attorney that has that much free time) and is so evil bitchy because she’s so lonely. Not an observation, a fact. All she does is sit around her apartment, writing FF and tweet hateful shit. She’s bashed every.single.fic. out there without regard for the authors and only talks about her fics and a couple of her friends (and friends sock acct fics.)
                      And did try reading AoC and was squeeeekeddddd out. I don’t give a shit what the law is in some places, a 16 year old sucking some 25 yr old dudes cock is not my idea of a fun, interesting read. Although, it’s obvious by her lemons, she is SO that type not to have the type of experience to lend to her writing.

                    • Anon E Mouse says:

                      I started AoC and was thoroughly creeped out. It was recommended on Twilighted and thought I’d give it a spin. There wasn’t much redeeming about anything of them characters.

                      Creepy older dude: check
                      Preachy politics: check
                      Characters who spend most of their time getting stoned: check
                      Whiny Bella & Edward: check

                    • AnonymousHonesty says:

                      Wolverine? She might be my MIL with that nickname.

                      I’m glad others see how much she tweets because that’s what I said. She’s annoying twitter happy and the KStew love is creepy. I get it, she’s pretty but stop for the love of all that’s sane. Enough is enough.

                      I’m not a fan of her writing but I find it strange how all her Bella’s seem to be the same person. Shallow, and extremely conceited. From what I’ve seen swear if her Bella’s aren’t the BEST example of a self insert I don’t know what is.

            • thankfuckimnotawriter says:

              This. So much this.

        • yomama says:

          I was actually told that Bella and Edward were SO into each other they would never discuss “mundane” things (her words) like what they did during the day.

          • AnonymousHonesty says:

            OMG! I remember that mundane post. I archive in that thread to get some lulz well that one and many others. She told a lot about her personal life then made it disappear. According to her though she giggles when people think AA5 is autobiographical because she isn’t Bella. Instead she just owns to being a little skanky and marrying her *longtime fuck buddy because she got pregnant* How long time was he if she managed to have more sexual partners than Bella? That doesn’t add up. That should be married ONE of my longtime partners because I got pregnant. That’s a shit load of men and woman in between. Good she can keep up.

            Everyday things are not mundane. But let her tell it, talking about your day is mundane and only discussions on literature and politics and the economy are worthy of conversation.

            • Twilight Slush says:

              I remember that post too and personally I thought it was odd. I mean, seriously, what couple DOESN’T talk about the mundane. There can’t be stimulating conversation ALL THE TIME.

              Also, I just went back on the Twilighted thread and re-read her responses to many posters. WOW. That is exactly why I never posted there and why I never read CP.

              I also love how at one point she says “this all stopped being fun for me months ago.” THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? Because she has FGB obligations? Riiiight. She’s an attention whore that can’t see when she’s expired.

              • AnonymousHonesty says:

                She’s shouldn’t even offer herself up for so many FBG obligations if she can’t deliver. Many authors need to stop that. I offered what I knew I could do in a decent time span but so many have stories and no shots they are still dragging their feet for from the New Moon auctions. Breaking Dawn part 1 will be out before she finished Some Little Girls.

                • Anonymous says:

                  They offer because they want their name up in lights. I doubt there’s one in a hundred that would do it if somehow it were all anonymous. (Which it couldn’t be because people bid on authors whose writing they like, but you know what I mean).

                  The ones that particularly annoy me are those that offer sneak peeks of upcoming chapters. They were going to post them anyway, but let’s see how high the bidding goes for something I don’t have to do any extra work for! Let everyone stroke me for working so hard for charity!

                  • Anonymous says:

                    I would be one of those people who’s waiting on the FGB New Moon outtakes I won. Have heard nothing from the author since Jan. Don’t know if its writer’s block, RL interference or if she’s just flounced on her committment.

            • Chocolate Anony Mousse says:

              Name brands. Don’t forget superficial, expensive items. Those are not mundane either.

              • amaaaazed says:

                JFC! YES! I’m am so bored and annoyed with the materialism in a lot of fics lately. I completely skip chapters and sections in a story whenever there is a shopping trip. Really. How fucking boring is that to read? The product placement is pointless.

        • amaaaazed says:

          Exactly! She totally ignored my reviews when I commented on the coldness and stilted style of her characters and her prose. I bet she didn’t like that… She never replied though since I didn’t kiss her ass.

          • Anonymous says:

            Initially I thought AA5 Bella was a harsh, ice-cold bitch that would thaw under Edward’s influence and grow into a more likable person. What happened instead was that Edward grew into an ice-cold asshole and both of them were completely unsympathetic people. Yo. Awesome!

            • Twilight Slush says:

              YESSSS! ^^THIS^^. I found the dynamic of the E/B relationship odd. At one point Sleepyval said, “Full disclosure is a folly of youth. Experience teaches Edward this. Yes, he asked Bella and yes, she eventually told him. He later regretted asking her about her past, and told her as much down the shore. He answered everything she asked, he just didn’t volunteer anything.”

              Umm REALLY? Folly of youth? Maybe in her marriage with “the peen”. But me and my husband have full disclosure about EVERYTHING. Past, present, whatever. We share our lives with each other. We talk about the mundane. I understand not everyone lives this way or even needs to but I found her comment rude.

              My favorite comment on that thread was when a poster said:

              “Will Edward eventually think of the 2 months that just passed? After the bathroom confrontation in AA5 when B/E were invited and declined to attend the hot tub orgy… the girl walking behind them said “Edwards not fun anymore… It must be the new girl friend … even after he and Kate broke up Edward still made the rounds” So was Edward attending hot tub parties during those 2 months? Back at xmas Edward said “I talk to you all the time, I wouldnt have time to sleep if I had a relationship” (paraphrasing of course) I thought that meant that he went to school and then spent all his extra time talking to Bella. But the over heard comment seems to imply that he was going to “social” events as well. Was that during the 2 months *after* xmas when he seemed to be avoiding Bella? Will we ever know what Edward was doing when he “made the rounds”? Or is that one of the things that wont gel with AA5?

              Trying to understand, not offend.”

              It’s a valid question and not written in a rude way AT ALL. And how does SV reply?

              “Did you go to college and live in dorms?

              (again, not trying to offend)”

              REALLY?! Was that comment back to this person really necessary? Not everyone who went to college had hot tub parties and drank and had sex. People grow up differently and Val can’t seem to understand that.

              Gah, I have to stop talking about her. She makes me rage. not to mention, she’s another idiot for putting her name out there. I know more about her than I ever wanted to.

              • Anon E Mouse says:

                That’s a horrible reply from SV. I graduated from college all while not living up to SV’s college kid standards. lol

                • Twilight Slush says:

                  Yeah well SV also had 50+ sexual partners so while I was busy graduating law school she was busy being naked. So…

              • AnonymousHonesty says:

                That made me rage too. That was so backhanded “not trying to offend” bitch please you knew what you were doing.

                Not everyone was slutting it up in college. I’m like you, my husband and I have full disclosure because we’re open and have nothing to hide. It’s in the past so what’s the big deal in telling it. It’s better to know from the source that hearing information secondhand. Not that we had salacious pasts like SV anyway but still.

              • amaaaazed says:

                WoW! That dismissive reply back to the reader who actually had a very good observation (and now I’m curious myself) makes me want to slap a bitch. Seriously, what a bitch. I actually did go to college and live in the dorms. If there were hot tub parties in my dorm with orgies, I’m extremely fucking doubtful. And my school was considered to be a ~party school at that time. And yes SOME people drink and have sex in college, but it doesn’t seem right that the Edward she wrote would be that dishonest about his comings and goings while chatting with and working toward reconciliation with an ex he claims to love and respect. I had a theory that Edward wasn’t exactly up to no good like the girl in the hallway’s comment would lead to believe. Sometimes things happen around you. You can go to a party just to make an appearance and have a few drinks. I remember thinking that he used the whole non-full disclosure as means to gain power over Bella because his insecurity is still present and he wanted to punish her with her own doubts just as her past/his doubts trouble him in the back of his mind. That whole full disclosure being the folly of youth is bullshit. I’m not even sure what that even means? Is she trying to say that people in mature relationships, who want to share the rest of their lives together, should get used to lying and letting the other know only what you want them to know? No fucking thank you then. I’ll keep my “immature” relationship where discussion and honesty is expected and happens.

            • AnonymousHonesty says:

              WORD.WORD.WORD! EXACTLY! Edward when they reunited was a guy I was not a fan of at all. I think it jumped shark for me when Bella tried to get him back and he was all little just fucked Kate asshole. And SV chalked it up to Edward being more mature. I didn’t realize with maturity came assholery. Color me surprised.

              It was a complete role reversal and I didn’t like it one bit and SV’s Prada wearing claws came out when people started pointing out this and it was not pretty. Pretty fucking hilarious but unclassy on her part. It is your story and you have a right to defend it but people AREN’T going to like everything your characters do so to be a bitch and cut people down when they voice they’re dislike is uncool, unclassy and bitchy.

      • grammarnazi says:

        And don’t forget that she’s the only person in the ENTIRE fandom who has ever written realistic buttsecks. Out of what are probably hundreds of thousands if not millions of people she’s the only one who knows how to do it right. Certainly something to be proud of.

        • Twilight Slush says:

          And she rimmed. *clapclapclap*

          • Anonymous says:

            Did she specify whether she preferred jelly or syrup?

            That’s an important detail….

          • Anonymous says:

            if sleepval got upset that people didn’t get her characters or had to explain why they were the way they were, then she wasn’t doing it right. If you have to explain what you’re writing because people are seeing it differently, it’s YOUR fault, not the readers. Plain and simple.

            And if she thinks she is just so far more intelligent then the rest of the FF-com because we didn’t ‘get it,’ someone needs to flick her nose with a reality hose.

  16. LikeImTelling says:

    I have no issues with a guy writing Twific. That being said his was boring, I couldn’t get past the 3rd chapter, and I was pushing it to make it that far.

    As a Twific writer I’m appalled that he would actually hound someone into reading his fic, it’s fine imo to say hey I wrote a fic if you want to read it here it is, it’s complete asshattary, and completely twank worthy to say READ MY FIC because it’s the best thing ever, and to keep harassing someone until they give in. And it’s completely lame to blame his low review/reader numbers on the fact it is in third person. I would like to point out to him that MTK writes all of hers in 3rd person and it is popular, and interesting (to me at least, not to everyone’s taste I know this).

    • AnonymousHonesty says:

      I’m not a fan of her stuff either. I can’t write in 3rd. I don’t think I’d so it justice and I don’t really want to try. Maybe a oneshot but never a fic.

      I agree on him pressuring someone into reading his fic. Everyone has their own taste. So why try to bully someone into reading something. Suggest it and if they take it fine and if they don’t fine.

  17. Anonymous says:

    I was amazed at the twankers snippets and went out to see what else was online about ML and his must-read fictional story. I found an online interview and wanted to cry in agnoy over his arrogance.

    It’s one thing to tell a reader to give it a try. It’s another thing to compare your shit to being the best out there.

    In the above interview, he mentions that he writes like he drives: fast and crooked. I sincerely hope someone can throw an animal in his path then. He needs to stop pretending he can do either.

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m not trying to be mean but didn’t he say he was legally blind? I hope he’s not driving fast, crooked maybe considering but he better slow the fuck down.

    • yomama says:

      Holy shit. What man calls his dick a “pee pee”?

      “Thank you for including me, I know that the novelty of being a male is worth a peek but I am thrilled to see that the fandom has stayed with me because of the quality of the writing and not just because I have a pee pee. “

  18. BigTool4U says:

    Okay, I have to admit, I am a fan of self pimpage but everything has its limits. Bullying someone into reading your fic through twitter?! Do it once and do it good.

    But then again, who else would lift your tail if not you yourself, right?

    I am in awe, he is really arrogant.. I first thought he was kind of sweet… but I guess that is what happens when you have hundreds of girls moaning like a choir of h00rs how good your fic is, your ego will get HUGE.

    I made it to chapter 7 with BV then gave up… where is Twilight in this fic?!

  19. annony says:

    He (?) is just one of many fanfic writers who have the audacity wise knowledge that you’d just love their fics if you gave them a chance. Whine, whine. Don’t we just love them, with their absurd plots and super special pairings, revolutionizing fanfic and being sooo much better than what everyone reads but no one will give them a shot. Waaaaaaahh.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Huuum… aren’t you guys gonna say something about R/K pics from last night?? I ma dying to hear your opinion about those pics…

    • twankhard says:

      Haven’t seen them. Could care less. Unless someone gets mouth foamy.

    • amaaaazed says:

      FFS, are people confused about this site because of the Delaney post? ‘Tis not another place for morons to have it out about R/K and the people obsessed with them together or at each other’s throats. It’s for fandom twanking. If you want to just bitch or celebrate some pics of R/K for the sake of the pics, there are comms for that.

  21. BippityBoppityBitch says:

    Once again, no idea who this author is or what “he” writes. Am I just living in a hole or do I have some super awesome mind power to just stay away from shit like this?

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m going to call it taste, you have taste. I think a lot of people do but they get bullied into starting these pieces of crap by the wackos and then they flounce. Some of us just got lucky or refused to read this junk. I’ve never heard of him or his waste of brain cells either.

  22. TwankNonnie says:

    His timeline just gets better and better! He just doesn’t seem to get the point of the twank at all!

    From: @MorganLocklear
    The twanktards are giving me more free press. They seem to think that knowing your story is good is a crime. No wonder they’re washed up.

    From: @MorganLocklear
    @denisevyse Thanks for the free press, and yes, I am that good, no joke, Bella Voce is groundbreaking, but you already knew that. Cheers.

    I also believe that self pimping is ok to an extent, but when “writers” are this arrogant it’s hard to see the story and not rip it apart while reading. No ego should be this big in the fanfic world.

    • anonymous says:

      Firstly, it’s fan fiction.
      Secondly, it’ a vampire story.
      I dunno – it sounds more or less like the 100,000 other Twi-Fics that are out there.
      How much ground can it break?

    • Anonymous says:

      This twank need to die right now. Groundbreaking? Man, people have been stroking his dick way too much. Let the twank die.

      Next please!

      • I'm not telling says:

        The ground breaking he’s referring to is his insistence in mentioning “Big names” over and over…he’s “dropped” the names so often, he’s standing in a cavern of broken ground…

        “Sebastien Robichaud: You most likely think it’s ridiculous that I keep mentioning you, so I won’t this time. Except to say that we are all with you this week my friend.”

    • Anonymous for now says:

      I feel so dirty that he used my full real name and assumed bcuz I said I hated his story it was free press. Dudes if this is press, I want my ID so I can get backstage. PS do not EVER fucking assume what I do or don’t know. The sum of everything you actually know, makes my cat look like Stephen Hawking.

  23. Imma Nonnie Toooo says:

    It’s best to let this twank die. Fun to laugh at but then the twankees feel they’re relevant in some way.

  24. Morgan Locklear says:

    I appreciate all the free press even if the comments are filled with lies and jealous people who wish they could write so well. It’s not like I have an unknown fic with no readers. I’m sure my thousands of raving reviews were just all my friends under different names…just like this site.

    All four people who said they couldn’t complete it have my apologies, I write at an above third grade level so I can understand your confusion.

    I don’t care if you think I’m gay, and I am well aware of my arrogance.

    Sad people who can only hate what they cannot accomplish have my pity.

    Thank you all for being so obsessed with me anyway, I can certainly laugh at myself, I wonder if you hold yourselves to the same standard because believe my you are all being laughed at.

    Also, many of you are too stupid to realize that Your so-called three lurkers who run this site are simply has been authors who can’t get any more readers…yes, we know who you are…hi Dotti.


    • Anonymouse says:

      Honey, you don’t write that well, and it’s fanfiction. An ego that large is only justified when you’re selling the same amount of books as Stephenie Meyer. Until then you’re just making yourself a laughing stock. So it doesn’t matter if you can laugh at yourself – we’re laughing harder.

    • I'm not telling says:

      AS USUAL- long winded…let’s get some things straight Mr. Locklear…

      your story has 1600 reviews…hardly enough to start plotting to take over the world. You were rec’d by the great and mighty SR and yet still only managed to pull out 1635 reviews… doesn’t really speak in your favor.

      We are not jealous of you here. Far from it. your EGO, sir, astounds me!

      Now we are stupid to boot? Just bc we found your fic boring and historically inaccurate, we must be stoopid…there is a mirror to the left, Oh Great One…

      And thanks for insulting the gay community…yes- us gay’s are all arrogant assholes…

      YOU, SIR, are legally blind bc your ego eclipses your vision…
      Shut up and sit down. We are hardly obsessed…you are just so twankie!
      Trust me when I say that Morgan Locklear and orgasm shall never be synonymous…

      One thing you’ve said is true however, you love all this attention. Sorry Mums didn’t hug you enough as a boy and now you have to screech about yourself to get the warm fuzzies. I pity you, and your wife.

      Now, go back to Squally and let someone massage your ego who really cares, bc no one here does.

    • AnonymousHonesty says:

      Dude you are by FAR the most assholeish person I’ve ever had this misfortune to read.

      Morgan, MOG, Sir Jenn, whoever the FUCK you are signed in saying you’re Morgan Locklear YOU dear person are the one who needs to grow the fuck up.

      People said they couldn’t get into your story. That doesn’t mean they have a below 3rd grade reading level. You must be stroke yourself over this because you are THAT narcissistic about it.

      The pretentiousness in this fandom astounds me. These people are wannabes and in a fandom like this they can play smart. The most pretentious ones are the ones you KNOW just finished high school and it’s so so sad.

    • Anonymous says:

      If you are well aware of your arrogance, as you state, perhaps you need to take a step back and not try so hard. It’s one thing to defend yourself with facts and humbly submit that your fic may not be to everyone’s liking, it’s another entirely to let your hubris get in the way and insult not only other highly-lauded authors, but also the very readers or potential readers you wish to attract.

      Fanfiction is NOT literary fiction as defined by the publishing world. It is pop fic, plain and simple, and should be treated as such. Even the most vaulted of the fan fics written would not make trade, although some authors may successfully find means to self-publish.

      I personally cannot judge your fic as I have not read it. What I can, however, tell you, and with great alacrity, is that based upon your comments here today, I will now not ever read Bella Voce.

      As for people being obsessed with you? I believe it is you, dear sir, who is completely obsessed with yourself. Nobody likes an egotistical jerk and that is exactly the way you are acting, despite the way you were treated by the twankhards (I shall refrain from stating my mind about them at this juncture). I’m sorry but your arrogance has completely turned me off.

      I hope you understood my being able to write at a mere third-grade level.

    • Anonymous says:

      So basically you are telling me in all fancy words that I have a Below Third grade level only because I couldn’t complete your story as it just isn’t my taste for a story to read?

      I think that will say more about you, then it will ever say about any other readers who might not ‘complete’ your story purely as it’s not their taste?

      Well at least you manage to bring it with ‘fancy Big Words’ otherwise I might not truly understood this following sentence:
      “All four people who said they couldn’t complete it have my apologies, I write at an above third grade level so I can understand your confusion.”

      It’s always good to know what my level is….

    • I Wanna Be a Dotti too says:

      Oh no. Did someone urinate on Mr Locklear’s chateaubriand?

    • Anonymous says:

      The best I can say for you is that you keep to your true colors. You got twanked before, which you definitely know, for your cyber-bullying. So you better not complain about people giving back as good as you can hand out.

    • LikeImTelling says:

      Umm I have a master’s degree and I didn’t enjoy your story. It wasn’t my cup of tea, doesn’t mean I’m educationally challenged, just means I didn’t like your story. Get over yourself.

      • BOO! says:

        Hang on, he got rec’ed by “THE SR” and he only has 1600 reviews????

        • AnonymousHonesty says:

          Twankhard please stop giving this jackass credit. You guys are ruining the name Morgan with that under title. Don’t make his ego any bigger! You know he’s getting off on this shit.

  25. Morgan Locklear says:

    I dare you to post my last comment without edits.

    You fools have no idea how much fun this is for me…I am not one of these mousy authors you bully….I know press when I see it and you are only helping my and my Story, keep it up puppets.

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m sure the press will help your sales immensely when you pull your masterpiece for publication. Might even get you into double digits without counting the ones your mom buys for her friends.

    • Anonymous says:

      I am totally curious what was edited out now.

    • Anonymous says:

      I speak on behalf of everyone with a degree in public relations, communications, journalism or an IQ above 80: PLEASE stop saying “press” and “PR.” You are referring to fan fiction. Twilight fan fiction of all things. “Press” and “PR” have absolutely nothing to do with this. On top of that, your aggressive “press plan” (and yes, I laughed while typing that) only garnered you 1,635 reviews. You embarrass yourself, sir.

  26. BOO! says:

    Honestly, I am cringing over how up himself he is. I agree let’s move on.

    • Morgan Locklear says:

      Move on! You can’t move on! You are obsessed with me and you know it. You think of little else and I don’t blame you. I’m sure you will try to get me out of your mind but I know the truth…you think of me when you masturbate and you always will. Oh Morgan! Oh Morgan! Oh Morgan!

      You have proven yourselves as my slaves and every orgasm will have my name on your lips from now on.

      • Anonymous says:

        Fuck me dood that masturbation comment is way beyond inappropriate! I actually felt the need the dry retch when reading it!

        The only person calling out Morgan Locklear when they masturbate is you!

        Your own wife is even calling out Sebastian Robichaud’s name!

        • a nonnie says:

          LMAO @ at “The only person calling out Morgan Locklear when they masturbate is you! Your own wife is even calling out Sebastian Robichaud’s name!”

          I nearly lost my lunch @ “You have proven yourselves as my slaves and every orgasm will have my name on your lips from now on.”

      • ANONNIMAL says:

        I was trying not to judge you to hard, I have spoken to you in the past and thought you were an alright guy but you are currently doing yourself no favours. The attitude you are useing here is to be honest disapointing, I was indifferent and I was going to read BV to see what I thought for myself I now will not be. If people are putting you down be a man and rise above it. I can now see that all the talk of you being a gentleman was not true.

      • Anonymous says:

        “you think of me when you masturbate and you always will.”

        “You have proven yourselves as my slaves and every orgasm will have my name on your lips from now on.”

        This is disturbing, patriarchal, offensively sexist speak. I truly hope you weren’t being serious. You know this is a fandom populated by women. It’s one thing to have an ego – it’s quite another to spout something that could be considered sexual harrassment.

      • AnonymousHonesty says:

        Dude you JUST got Twanked. No one gives a fuck about you but Squally and your other peons. The Twankhards just had to showcase your Everest sized ego.

        You just got the attention today and the other day. Yes. People are REALLY obsessed with you.

        I do have to say though that “slaves and orgasms” says a lot about you and it’s not good things. The wife seems nice but I now see that she’s a few Skittles short to think your ego is sexy.

      • Anonymous says:

        Any little respect I had for you, has vanished after this comment.

      • amaaaazed says:

        I can’t tell a lie on the internet. My boyfriend just stormed out during some good loving because I yelled out “OH MORGAN! OH MORGAN! OH MORGAN!”

        Thanks a lot, life ruiner!

        • cookiemonster says:

          Raise your paw if you’re guilty of faking a Morgasm.

          • amaaaazed says:

            Welp. When I don’t fake it and put on a good show, he stays curled up in the corner and cries all night. It’s for the best really. I gotta get up early for work tomorrow, and I can’t have him keeping me up with his weeping.

  27. ANONNIMAL says:

    What I find funny is that his wife, who I believe is also a FF writer is just that same. She beta’d BV and they do ‘Authors interviews’ with each other and put them on websites.

    Which I think is just….fucking Brill lol.

    I am serious they really, really do.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Wow! I’ve not read Bella Voce (it’s on the list), but seeing this guy’s attitude has totally put me off ever wanting to try, no matter how good it may or may not be.

  29. BippityBoppityBitch says:

    Yo Morgan Locklear, my crap ass story has more reviews than yours. Take a hint and tone down the ego. Oh, and stop begging for readers. I actually tried to give this story a chance during my lunch break and couldn’t get past the first chapter.

  30. AnonymouslyLOL'ing says:

    As someone who writes a story in third person, and who thinks BV is a pile of trash, I’d like send a big giant fuck you out to Morgan Locklear.

    • vb says:

      Seriously. I mean, dude. Since when is writing in third person is the hardest thing EVER? I’ve never written in anything BUT third, and that’s not because I’m the BESTEST WRITER IN THE WORLD, it’s because it’s comfortable for me. I’m lazy and don’t want to play with new POVs. 😉

  31. no name says:

    You people are really incredible. The fact that you even spend ANY time doing what you guys do here in this blog shows that you have nothing better to do with your lives. This is all called cyberbulling and you are as guilty as anyone else doing this.
    All these people you mention today or any other day are PEOPLE and have fucking feelings, but you evidently don’t. You guys are hiding behind a computer spitting hate! Show your faces and come out in the open, so we know exactly who we are talking to! This was we can also all comment on your faults and lousy lives.
    I have never taken the time to write anything negative ever but I am sick of the shit that is going on out here and it deserves to be commented on! I feel sorry for all of you 3 or 10 or how many you are. If you guys have nothing good to say, then shut up! Move on, like we do when we read something we don’t like. Don’t dwell on it, it shows that you care!
    People like you make me sick to the stomach. This is no different that blowing someone up. You are doing it emotionally! Same thing!
    GROW UP people and move the fuck on!

  32. Whatdoesitmatterifitwontshowanyway? says:

    I really know nothing of Morgan Locklear. I knew he existed, I read about 3 chapters of his story a few months back, but I was interrupted & never got back to it. I’ve had one brief conversation w/ him on Twitter having to do w/ writer’s block and he seemed like a nice guy. I did read this post and giggled at his big head, but that was the end of it for me.

    Then I opened my email an hour or so ago, to find the following:

    From: Morgan Locklear
    To: Me

    We haven’t met but you had some choice words about my story…hey you are entitled to your opinion…now here is mine….you are clearly small minded and stone hearted, you are most likely proud of this fact, but you have my pity all the same.

    So all I have to do to get you to hate me is to be talented and know it?

    Well…..hate away, I am getting tons of free press and having a ball.


    Sent from my iPad


    Initially, I wasn’t going to say anything about this email here. I don’t particularly want to give this guy any more press at this point. However, after I sent him my reply which basically said, “Why on earth are you accusing me and what makes you think you’re even a blip on my radar let alone someone I would bother to trash in public (which, btw, I never do – even when a fic really irritates me, I wouldn’t trash it in public because someone worked hard on it and I don’t have to like everything I read), all I got in response was “Nice try.”

    I just…don’t even know what to say to or about this arrogant ignoramus. But the fact that he feels okay about just blindly accusing people of shit when he has absolutely no proof of anything speaks volumes. I guess he did get his wish, though. I AM talking about him now.

    • DyingOfLaughter says:

      whoa. that email was something else. very sad that he behaves that way.

    • twankhard says:

      He is a wealth of information. He also knows our identities.

      Who the fuck is Dotti?

      • Whatdoesitmatterifitwontshowanyway? says:

        I assume he thinks I am one of you. One of the “has been writers” he is referring to (never mind the fact that my recently completed fic has 3x as many reviews as his. I digress).

        That’s what I get for admitting on Twitter that I read this blog, I guess. That automatically makes me guilty of grave sins.

        I know it shouldn’t, but it really bothers me that he is just brazenly accusing me of something I didn’t do. While I don’t know how many there are, I do know that he and I have some readers in common. While I couldn’t give two shits what “Mog” might think of me, I don’t especially relish the idea that he is going around spreading lies about me.

        I need to go rinse my mouth with Listerine to rid it of the taste of this prick.

        • Anonymous says:

          2 of you in strong font above your posts here link into your Typepad/LJ accounts. They are connecting somehow and exposing you here, not all links but the ones that are live tell everyone who you are. Recently completed fic Author (of a story I loved btw) your comment clued me in that he was being accurate in identifying you because I was able to discover you here too when I became suspicious about his “tactics” and tried figuring out what he could know that we didn’t.

          Twankhard you have my email if you need to know which posts & who in particular.

          • Whatdoesitmatterifitwontshowanyway? says:

            While I have no problem in your finding my website and appreciate that you liked my story, “He was accurate in identifying” me???? When? Show me when/where I ever dissed him or his story. I never did any such thing until he sent me that ridiculous email.

          • Whatdoesitmatterifitwontshowanyway? says:

            My apologies. My message from October 11, 2010 at 11:00 pm came off kind of harsh.

            I do appreciate your wanting to give me a heads up re. my identity being “leaked”. It’s just that I don’t care about that. If I had it my way, my name would be all over the few comments I have left on this blog. I also really do appreciate your kind words about my fic.

            This bullshit just obviously got under my skin today. I have done and said a lot of stupid stuff in my day, some of it perhaps even Twankable (like in a prior comment I said I had never asked for reviews, then I remembered that I promised an EPOV outtake if/when I got to 2000 reviews. Oops. My bad. Again, my apologies). There is just no reason for this guy to make stuff up when I give people plenty of ammo on a daily basis.

            • Anonymous says:

              He got under my skin too because I did not like that he was able to identify you at all. I got nervous because your comment about your reviews clued me in that I was looking at your correct non-anonymous site, not that he identified you for what he falsely accused you of saying. I was trying to act quickly to get the word out at what his tactic might be and I’m sorry that I wasn’t more specific at the time so I apologize to you too.

      • Anonymous says:

        My dachsund’s name is Dottie. Perhaps he’s referring to her.

    • amaaaazed says:

      Wow! That’s rather ballsy of him to take a guess like that. Hmmm… makes me wonder if they’re trying to figure all 10 of us out. HAHAHAAHA! Good luck! and happy hunting!

  33. Anonymouse says:

    My advice to ML would be to seek help from a qualified professional.

  34. Morgan Locklear says:

    I told you that you couldn’t move on….now dance more for me!

    • asphinctersayswhat says:

      Dude, it appears you are the one who is obsessed. Stalking down commenters and sending them hatemail because a little blog had the nerve to share your self-lovefest with those of us who hadn’t had the pleasure of reading your wanktastic words before?

      Psycho much?

      I thought you loved all of this attention? Which is it? Do you love this? Or is it just getting under that awesomely awesome skin of yours?

      I didn’t know who you were before today, and I didn’t even care enough to comment until now, but you have proven YOURSELF to be a huge tool.

      Ta Ta for now, I’m off to masturbate to visions of you…..bent over and taking it with a big fucking strap on.

      (sorry twankhards, he asked for it, edit as necessary)

  35. Twilight Slush says:

    I often wonder what some people look like who write FF. Like I have this idea in my head that the author is blonde or brunette, tall or short, thin or larger. Usually I am proven wrong but then sometimes I am right.

    Like what does ML look like? After reading his comments here, I was curious as to what he might look like. I just found a picture of ML through Google and he looks exactly how I envisioned he’d look–glasses, beard, shaggy brown hair, overweight.

    Oh yes, definitely orgasmic material.


  36. Morgan Locklear says:

    I note that a bunch of cowards who post under fake names are judging me for coming up with a tactic that manipulates more and more attention.

    You are giving me what I want.

    Thank you my little pets.

    • twankhard says:

      You keep saying that. Maybe if you say it some more you’ll believe it. It’s kind of like when you yammer on about how AWSUM you are.


    • lol! says:

      Muuuahaha. Ok. Clearly that’s why you locked your twitter all of a sudden, because the twanking is helping you…awwww, try again.

      • WTFchuck? says:

        Read the rules ya twanker, they don’t allow people to post their names. Everything is anonymous. And really, what would you do if you did have all our names? Send us pathetic emails about how much we obviously love you? That’s a lot of time to spend on people that couldn’t give two shits about you.
        Why are you bothering? No one here cares for you and your attitude, why do you keep coming in to twank some more?
        If you had a life or any sense of ‘self’ (VERY different to self importance i might add) then you wouldn’t be spending your time reading this shit or replying in such a distasteful manner.

        After your masturbating comment I’m completely disgusted and will most definitely NOT be reading any of your stories.

        I don’t wish you ill, i don’t wish you well but I hope that you do ‘get well’ because it is plain to me that you are not right in the head.

        • BOO! says:

          Seriously, you sucked up the ass of a “BNA” managed to get rec’ed and you only have 1600 reviews???
          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s the funniest, most tragic shit I’ve ever heard.

  37. ShakingMyHead says:

    I wasn’t going to post here because I don’t think this blog really does anyone in the fandom much good, but I’ve NEVER seen a cockier author than this guy.

    It’s obvious he’s loving the attention and won’t back down, period. And he’s very insecure about his writing – that’s why he’s defending it and slamming it down peoples throats the way he is.

    Morgan, you may think this is going to get you attention, but it’s not the kind you want. People aren’t going to want to read your story simply because of the way you’ve responded.

    I have to tell you … your story isn’t groundbreaking. As soon as I read the words “Paris” and “1892” (or whatever year) my first thoughts were an Anne Rice wannabe. That was strike one – and please, for the love of GOD, do not compare yourself to Rice. And yes, I know The Vampire Lestat took place before 1892, but the parallel was pretty obvious.

    Secondly, you’re writing about vampires in fan fiction, as someone else said above. Not so groundbreaking.

    Third, take a writing class. Or ten.

  38. BippityBoppityBitch says:

    Wow. Just wow. Maybe “Mr” Locklear needs to read the “Bawwwwwwww I got Twanked” portion of this blog.

  39. nonnymouse says:

    You guise is funneee! Seriously, you make fun of people for having nothing better to do with their time than clitlick BNAs, yet you spend your time spewing hate? FUNNEEE!

    btw…GO MOG!

    • twankhard says:

      Hate is reserved for something you give a crap about. What we do is point and laugh and mock. Or maybe you’re cool with comparing a Twilight wank blog to something like bigotry, racism, and gay bashing, in which case:

      • nonnymouse says:

        If you care so little about this stuff, that makes you all the more pathetic. Try some volunteer work to fill your time. It does wonder for self esteem.

        Btw, I think cyberbullying IS hateful. Other than the very funny Mr Locklear, none of these authors have done anything to provoke being hurt by you. And if you don’t think they’re being hurt with your words, then you need to read up.

        “The National Crime Prevention Council’s definition of cyber-bullying is “when the Internet, cell phones or other devices are used to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person.

        Cyber-bullying may also include threats, sexual remarks, pejorative labels (i.e., hate speech), ganging up on victims by

        —>making them the subject of ridicule in forums, and posting false statements as fact aimed at humiliation.”

        • oh jeebus says:

          ‘posting false statements as fact aimed at humiliation’

          Well, these statements are aimed at humiliating people, but they’re not false – all you have to do is look at this guy’s twitter to know that.

          And if you’ve read any of his comments on here today, you would know that the only one making ‘sexual remarks’ was Morgan himself – which was way beyond the line of appropriate.

          Plus, I don’t think his huge ego is allowing him to feel hurt by any of this.

          • nonnymouse says:

            Ok, I apologise for using too difficult language in my post. See, when I said “other than Mr Locklear, that meant that I was referring to other authors as well as readers who are being hurt by the aforementioned hate spewing.

            Obviously, Mr L is having a grand time with you all. But there are more sensitive people out there who are hurt by being referred to as clitlicking sheeple. Come to think of it, I don’t think Mr L nor Mrs L would object to him being called a clitlicker:-D

            Personally, had I the opportunity, I’d lick the hell out of Icy’s clit. She rocks and she’s one of the best authors I’ve ever read. She and her readers are clever enough to recognise the difference between serious literature and a fun little (ok, not so little) romp into fantasy land.

            AND she takes the piss out of herself constantly. Sense of humour is not lacking. It’s sense of humanity that causes people to be hurt by this blog.

            • oh jeebus says:

              So a behemoth of a story that deals with dark themes and is full of very mature content is ‘a fun little romp’ but calling out twank-worthy authors that have gotten too full of themselves and think the sun rises and sets out of their ass is cyber-bullying and hate-spewing?

              Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed MotU, and as far as I’ve ever seen, Icy’s pretty tame compared to some other ff authors. But this post was about Morgan Locklear, who apparently *cannot* recognize the difference between ‘serious literature and a fun little romp into fantasy land’ – hence the reason he was twanked.

            • anonymous says:

              You had to be clever to read MoTU?

            • Anonymous says:

              Twilight fanfiction and Twilight itself is serious literature? Don’t make me laugh. If you want serious literature go read Frankenstein, Dracula, Gone with the Wind, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter. Maybe then people will learn what real writing is.

            • AnonymousHonesty says:

              You’d lick the hell out of Icy’s clit because she writes a FANFICTION you think is great?

              Damn you need professional help.

              And I say that with love. L-O-V-E.

              • Oh for fuck's sake says:

                I haven’t had a good clit licking in a while.

                BRB. Gotta go write some fanfiction.

              • amaaaazed says:

                Wait a minute! Am I to believe there is a clit-licking ring going around this fandom?

              • nonnymouse says:

                I’d lick the hell out of her clit because she’s a great person. Btw, that was a joke, something this blog supposedly endorses. Maybe that just counts for lulz you can get when tearing other people down, rather than building them up…

                • amaaaazed says:

                  but see… we were spinning jokes off your joke! making it thereby a funnier and more enjoyable experience for the rest of us. get it? GET IT?

                  that’s how we build up the lulz around here.

                  and who exactly is being torn down? that’s a bit much. the people who like her and want to lick the hell out of her clit will continue to do so, and the people who don’t won’t. she will live another day even in fandom.

                • Oh for fuck's sake says:

                  Shit. You people keep changing the rules. First, to get a clit lick, you had to write fanfiction. Now, you just have to be a great person?

                  Fuuuuucccckk. I just wasted all that time writing a story about Bella being a popular stage vocalist & vampire in Paris in 1891. It would’ve been EPIC.

                  Oh. Wait….

            • Anonymous says:

              Same author that attended a “convention” in her own honor, right? And isn’t named J.K. or Stephenie? I must be missing the “takes the piss out of” in that regard. Or do all BNAs get conventions and no one ever talks about them?

              • nonnymouse says:

                Again, for people who seem to think they have such great senses of humour, you miss the point more often than not.

                The so-called “convention” you keep talking about was a group of friends getting together. One of the actual positives that has come about as a result of this fandom has been the chance for people from around the world to build relationships. When the opportunity arises for those friends to meet in person, that’s something to celebrate, not denigrate.

                If more people spent time clitlicking, and less time spewing venom we’d have a much happier world, IMO. Come on, people, let’s have a good lick, shall we? You’ll feel much happier, I promise. *slurp*

                • Anonymatopoeia says:

                  Gee, I dunno. When my friends get together, we call it friends getting together. We sure as fuck don’t use the word “gala” nor do we center it around one person we deem a “BNA.” Call me crazy, but in most of the world, friends don’t rank each other based on the number of reviews their fanfic has.

            • twankaholic says:

              I appreciate Icy’s sense of humor. I think the whole Icycon thing was meant to be funny. The girls got together and had martinis, from what I understand. It’s not like they are participating in group lynching and ridicule like in the uoem thread.

              • anonymous says:

                THEY ARE THE SAME GIRLS, on the whole.
                There is a total cross-over.
                Because SR and Icy are RL friends or something and both their characters liked BOXING.
                Most of the Slores are also Bunker Babes.
                And let’s call TUoEM for what it is.
                A bizarre place full of uber-fan-fic-groupies pretending to be something that they are not about a story that isn’t what they think it is.

        • Monkey Bum says:

          [Cyber-bullying may also include threats, sexual remarks,-]

          Interesting you point that out, since Mister Locklear is the one who is insisting that we masturbate to his name, yet we have made no sexual advances toward him.

          (Personally, I’ve lost my appetite for self gratification after reading as much as I possibly could of his story…

          ‘-For Edward the world was swallowed in a delirious white noise made up of her soft naked thighs pressing against his head. He sat in a cool cocoon of skin and lost himself in her April scent and silky taste.-‘

          …are they fucking in a dryer? Why does she smell like fabric softener and taste like material?)

        • wellll...... says:

          Voltunteer work is so outdated, why not enter the FGB and write some amazing outtake that people will bid for? That way we’ll have earned a lot of money for charity OMG and can have it set on our gravestones how amazing we were!

      • asphinctersayswhat says:

        word. don’t forget terrorism.

  40. I'm not telling says:

    his latest tweets:

    MorganLocklear Morgan Locklear
    @soundfurious falling for it hook line and sinker….almost too easy to manipulate the flock.
    2 minutes ago Favorite Retweet Reply

    MorganLocklear Morgan Locklear
    Dance for me my twanktard puppets. I wrote a comment to their blog but they are too weak to post it. Clearly cowards who can only dish it

    Hey! Mog…take a look bc “one of your own” thinks you are a fucking tool. You aren’t puppeteering anyone. We just really dislike you.

    • Anonymous says:

      I don’t think that’s “one of his own”; everyone’s been tweeting him and telling him to shut up.

      • I'm not telling says:

        no…it’s one he considers “one of his own…” cause that person is me.

        • Anonymous says:

          Sorry, thought you meant the person he was @ing was one of his own. He’s been harassing everybody for hours like he did while pimping his fic. 🙂

          • Anonymous says:

            Now his Twitter went protected, LOL! I thought he was all big and bad and didn’t care what people said because he would defend himself. I’m glad I never followed him. Ass.

            • Anonymous says:

              Srsly. “I don’t care! See how much I don’t care? Lalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaa I DON’T CA-ARE! Aren’t you embarrassed that you said something and I said I don’t care?….Whew, not caring is wearing me out. I better protect my tweets until I’m refreshed and ready to NOT CARE some more.”

      • AnonyHonest says:

        Now anyone who’s not with him is against him. Bush? Is that you!

        I want to start following those telling him to shut up because they are total win. He’s just sad and pathetic.

    • I'm not telling says:

      Look everyone…he’s taking control of the situation! Good to know he has a psych degree now too!

      “MorganLocklear Morgan Locklear
      @ of course you think that since I have taken control of the situation. I think you are misunderstanding the whole point of my tactic.”

      • Anonymous says:

        I get the feeling if he accidentally left the gas on and his house blew up, he’d stand in the yard watching the firefighters and saying, “Everything is going according to plan. Dance, puppets, dance.”

      • anonymous says:

        Apart from making yourself look like a tool, there was a point to it?

  41. MY EYES, MY EYES says:

    Anyone else read this guy’s comments and just picture him wearing a green silk smoking robe with a pipe at the corner of his mouth, sitting in a big velvet wingback chair a la Masterpiece Theatre while spouting nonsense?

    • Twilight Slush says:

      I have a picture of him. Would you like to see it? He’s really rather attractive.

      • MY EYES, MY EYES says:

        Sure, I should know what he looks like since it’s his name I’ll be screaming in bed tonight.

      • twankaholic says:

        Yes, share with the class.

        • Twilight Slush says:

          I cropped out his wife and his kid, but you get the general idea.

          Now raise your hand, who’s going to be masturbating to this picture tonight and calling out his name? Cause ooooo oooo baby, he is HOT.


        • Twilight Slush says:

          I cropped out his wife and his kid, but you get the general idea.

          Now raise your hand, who’s going to be masturbating to this picture tonight and calling out his name? Cause ooooo oooo baby, he is HOT.


  42. Oh for fuck's sake says:

    How cute. Morgan thinks we’re obsessed with him. Seeing as how I’ve never heard of the story, let alone read it, I obviously do not know what the definition of “obsessed” is. It’s apparent that ML is trying to create one big circle jerk with him in the center, and nobody wants to play.

    Excuse me. I need to go get a pap smear.

  43. morgan cocklear is a douche says:

    What a douche. Never read his story, never will.

    PS I don’t think that cyberbullying is the best term for this site. No one is actively pursuing the asshats twanked. They would have to take it upon themselves to visit this blog to know how we feel. We aren’t nice, but not coming here would make their world a better place.

  44. Anon1 says:

    Oh dear, seems Mr L has just locked his twitter account. I wonder why?

  45. Anonymous says:

    Oh how sweet – the Locklears are circling the wagons – they both hid their twitter accounts at the same time…

  46. Curious says:

    I’d never heard of this guy before today, and I’ve been around for a while. With no background or previous knowledge, and just reading this, he sounds as fake as SR does. Like a caricature of a woman’s idea of an obnoxious man.

  47. RubyRubyRubyRuby says:

    It’s very important to have a clear understanding of cyber-bullying, especially in light of the horrific events emphasized in the media recently.
    That being said….. Twankhard are fricking awesome! This is merely an outlet for some frustrated fans of fic towards the authors who have allowed their egos to expand to gargantuan levels based on the fact they have 1 million reviews.

    Keep it up Twanks, loving your work. *hugs, kisses*

    p.s. Morgan reminds me of Peter Pan. The boy who never grew up and “is quick to point out how great he is, even when such claims are questionable”

    (see what I did there? I used quotes correctly! Must mean I writed the grammar good :D)

    (swiped from wikipedia)

  48. no name says:

    I am not Squally…. and thanks for the compliment about spelling!
    But really, please, stop the HATE! and MG, you should not play their game either. It brings you to their level. Which is very low.

  49. Hmmm says:

    I went to check out the story, and I am not impressed. All I read was the prologue.

    *”In truth, what she did was far too beautiful and haunting to be described by a word as pedestrian as ‘sing’ however there has not yet been a word invented to adequately tribute the breathtaking aria she performed.”

    –> This is a run-on sentence, and “tribute” is not a verb. Perhaps the word “pay” is missing.

    *”He marveled up at the breathtaking woman…”

    –> That “up” is rather strange. I would delete it.

    *”his stomach was an unforgiving tangle of gears and knots.”

    –> On numerous levels,this metaphor does not work for me. I think gears and knots together result in a mixed metaphor, and I don’t know what to say about unforgiving. An unforgiving tangle?

    –> Overall, I’d strike a lot of the adverbs and adjectives. It’s a style, but not one that I appreciate. I prefer cleaner prose.

    So, I don’t think he’s all that.

    • Oh for fuck's sake says:

      Personally, I find when I marvel to the left it gets the job done much better.

    • Anonymous says:

      It is in my opinion that this male ought to pitch his synonym book in the nearest trash receptacle.

      In other words, dude needs to get rid of his thesaurus.

    • WTFchuck? says:

      OH MAN! See it’s readers like you that scare the little people like me LOL. I hope you haven’t read my story haha. I have faith in my Beta, but no one is perfect….

      LMFAO at the previous quote from his story ^^^above somewhere about the white noise from Bella’s thigh flesh.

      Gold ML! Pure gold! You make it so easy to point and laugh.

      • Hey Nonnie Nonnie says:

        I’m seriously hoping there’s no white noise coming from between my thighs!!! I’m not sure what sort of Dr I’d have to see to cure that.

      • Hmmm says:

        I looked at the story honestly hoping it was as good and special as he said. But it was so NOT. And then he said if people didn’t like the story, it was because our reading comprehension skills were not up to the task. So I felt I should mention some specific reasons why I did not care to read further. Luckily, it was the work of a moment to find many such reasons!

  50. easgsrg says:

    This guy is OBSESSED with what he calls “PR” and “Press”. Even in his interviews with his wife (someone posted a link up there), he admits he came out as a male author because it would be “great PR”.

    NEWS FLASH! YOU AREN’T A CELEBRITY! I can appreciate any FF author wanting to gain readers, but I mean really. No FF author needs a “PR” strategy. That is just… ridiculous. So wanky, I can’t even…

    He’ll have his people call our people.

  51. Anonymous says:

    Off topic but I’m curious, how many people are getting follower requests from @ffbitchrant ? Twank copy cats?

  52. Jane Smith says:

    Honestly, his behavior is quite disgusting. It amazes me that someone like him can exist in this fandom and receive any sort of accolade for his work. I have never heard of him or his story before, but even if I had, does that give him the excuse to act like a giant tool?

    This is fan fiction. I feel like some people need a giant reminder of that.

    I don’t understand why there is such excitement over the fact that male Twilight fan fiction authors exist. Who cares? I’m not going to read your story or not read your story because you are female, male, straight, gay, black, white, or purple–none of that matters. I’m going to read or not read your story because of two things:

    a) Is it good or bad?

    b) Are you a douche or not?

    Fan fiction is a hobby, and I’m not going to waste my free time reading a story by someone who parades around acting like they are the most original, most talented fan fiction author ever to post a story.

    News flash–no fan fiction is truly original.

  53. Anonymous says:

    I swear, at this point, I honestly cannot say who the bigger scrotanus is.

    Clearly ML has a legit claim to that title as evidenced here today, but then there is SR who has pitched an epic-sized hissy fit and abandoned his flock for over a week now. They’re practically organizing prayer circles for him, not ever pausing to wonder if the whole thing was just a satire and he has, in fact, left them behind. They may be delusional, but they are loyal to his smug ass, and he should be grateful for every single last fangirl, review, and flirtation that was sent his way.

    What the fuck is WRONG with these damn writers lately?

  54. copywho says:

    I too have wondered whether SR’s story UoEM was a satire on FFn. The way he pushed such buttons as Bella getting pregnant and blew out of proportion bad reviews (beret’s anyone). These things got all the devotees fired up on the thread. The very fact that his/her gender became something we discussed added fuel to the fire. Given that so many people took UoEM to heart I really hope that we have not all become players in some greater game for SR, or footnotes in some dissertation on the role of FFn in sub culture.

    • Anonymous says:

      You sound like someone who was involved in the slore-dom. Isn’t it nice to actually say what you really think for once?

      If SR played all his fans like that or they are turned into some study or some BS like that…

      Fuck. That’s just wrong. I don’t even know what to say.

      • copywho says:

        No I wasn’t involved in the slore-dom and only posted once on the twilighted thread for UoEM. I always felt like you needed a liberal arts degree to post on there, especially if you dared question if there was going to be a HEA (another button SR pushed). There was something about UoEM that never felt right. Everytime Edward gave some speech about Dante, in the next chapter SR would have a character critique it. It was almost like his supervisor or a reviewer had questioned that take on Dante, so SR showed us in the next chapter that he knew that Edward had made a mistake.

        • asphinctersayswhat says:

          ding ding ding.

          we have a winner.

          This stunt appeared transparent as hell to me from the very beginning. Maybe I just have a sixth sense for twank, but I knew if I kept reading the joke would be on me.

          • copywho says:

            It does make you wonder whether the whole pulling the fanfic was the final button he/she pushed. SR knew this would cuase a riot and he/she has just stood back and watched. If SR really does want to publish he/she might just have pushed one button to far and isolated all but the devoted fans.

            • WTFchuck? says:

              This is what a friend had to say when I asked her about UoEM and told her about the previous twank…..

              OK. I believe that I am not saying this from any point of jealously about the popularity of a particular author or authors.
              WTF is up with the popularity of UoEM? Seriously! It is a crap story at its core. Former male dope addict can’t let go of the love he he feels for what he believes was a hallucination. Female Subject of hallucination is real and too stupid to realize that reknowned drug addict was high when he kissed her and called her by another name. Yeah, dumb.
              We readers are asked to suspend our disbelief and buy that years later, supposedly brilliant enough to be eligible for Harvard Lit student enrolls under the drug addict/professor and goes unrecognized by same (though was family friend) Whatever.
              Professor who values scholarship above all things & does so clearly & unapologetically to the very last word of the story thiinks with his pecker & sleeps with the student thus jeapoardizing his career & her scholarship. Yeah, I don’t buy it.
              But, BEYOND all that, BEYOND poor plotting and unbelievable characterization that is commonplace, what PISSES MY RIGHT THE FUCK OFF about the popularity of this story is 2 things.
              1)It is pretentious – and I fully believe that “fans” of it feel like they are smarter for reading barely tangentally associated allusions to Dante and works of art. Like, they “get it” – but thye don’t really, because the author is so condescending that he assumes the reader doesn’t know ANY of these references and explains them. THE AUTHOR INSULTS HIS READERS’ INTELLIGENCE CONSISTENTLY & yet he is embraced for it.

              Which brings me to item 2…
              2) It’s misogynistic. Blatantly. The author thinks little of females. It’s one of the reasons that he talks down to his reader base – because he thinks females are stupid. His, supposedly, redeemed male lead in a final chapter still thinks along the lines of “enjoyed the pleasure of a female” – wtf. The professor still withholds sex until he deems it appropriate despite the female’s pleas. And this is when he’s “reformed” & not being a selfish prick. Because it is oh so very loving and supportive to make a unilateral decision that effects both parties.
              This after he disappeared w/o explanation or contact, bought a house for them w/o consulting her, bought wedding rings and wore his w/o even asking her to marry him.
              Why is this story popular? It’s a fucking insulting and pretencious piece if sexist drivel. I would NEVER send SR a fan letter. It, above all other ff I have encountered, infuriates me on all counts.
              I am less insulted by a fic that has Bella experiencing an orgasm during rape as that is at least physically possible though highly unlikely. UoEM is an abomination in that is poses as a love story but preaches until it’s last paragraph that oppression is romantic. It think it is dangerous. I’m not saying people should take life lessons from entertainment…but it sickens me that this is so widely embraced & people don’t see it clearly.

              I know Master of the Universe gets a lot of grief. I understand on some levels. But, when I set back & see the story for what it is – the story of Edward/Fifty but told through Bella’s POV – it has some merit. I think most of the problem with it is that it is “marketed” as a BDSM fic & might convince some niave soul(s) to take that path. It’s not a BDSM fic, it’s an agressive sex fic & the core story is about “un-making” Fifty as a Dom.
              The sequel is boring the piss out of me. Why? Because there is no point with the characters anymore. The original was character-driven. The sequel is plot-driven and it’s not an interesting plot.
              I do think it is a bit more popular than it deserves to be…but so are most blockbuster movies. (ahem)

              • Anonymous says:

                I just held my breath the whole time reading that. THANK YOU!

                I HATED this Edward. And Bella? I have never been so utterly disappointed in a character. She was pathetic. I stopped reading around the time she lost her virginity.

                Just an awful fic that was so promising in the beginning (I honestly found the academic stuff really interesting at first, but eventually, there was no denying the pretentiousness of it all), but the story just lost anything that appealed to me as each chapter went by.

                GAH! Everything was so demeaning – the cranberry juice, him feeding her, the book bag, etc etc etc. He wouldn’t let her make any decisions, he wouldn’t stop ordering her, she would barely make decisions and when she actually did, they were all based around him. Just nauseating. Yeah. I think this fic was the biggest scam going in the whole twific world. SR fucking played us, and he/she/it did it well.

                • copywho says:

                  Great analysis from your friend WTFchuck? I love both your points. On the issue of pretentiousness this is very true of UoEM. One of the acusations that was wielded at Dan Brown author of Da Vinci Code was that his story had truths, half truths and myths all rolled up as fact. In UoEM SR assumed all readers couldn’t tell the difference between any of these and lecturered to us his truths. When someone picked up on things that were wrong he allowed a character to critique the previous commentary, giving him a get out of jail card only afforded authors who write in serial mode and not in a book.

                  The biggest myth of UoEM is SR him/herself. We know so little of this person and that is intentional. Time will only tell what SR’s next move is.

    • amaaaazed says:

      oooh… now THAT is interesting, and quite possible. not to mention there are readers in this fandom that get so into it they would fall all over themselves trying to appease someone who could be that self-serving and their very own expense. time will tell.

      • anonymous says:

        It is increasingly obvious that SR and the UoEM are not what people have assumed them to be.

        I’ll admit, I found the story interesting for the first 15 or so chapters.

        And then it got increasingly over the top, increasingly cliched, and increasingly boring.

        The ‘mystery’, if there was ever a mystery, had gone.

        It became pretentious and the way that the characters spoke – it was more about the writer making herself look super-smart, rather than enhancing the characters who are the fan fiction equivalent of dumb and dumber.

        This Bella could easily be the dumbest Bella in fan fiction and the fact that she is meant to be a university educated PhD student is just one example of bad characterization. I can’t decide if that makes it a satire or an elaborate joke.

        The Dante lecture was the turning point – it was totally irrelevant to the the rest of the story and served no purpose in moving things forward. The same goes with the use of Donne’s ‘Flea’ during the carrel scene. It does NOTHING for the story. It shouldn’t be there.

        The planting of tampons and ongoing references to Bella’s cycle were so obviously obvious – this was not good writing, unless it was intentional.

        The over the top virginity scene, the name calling of expensive and elitist products, to say nothing of the over-familiarization with someone like Margaret Atwood, all designed to make the writer look smart and sophisticated and connected regardless of their relevance to the story.

        I never really thought of a conspiracy theory about SR writing a Uni thesis on the fan fiction community or romance literature until I started reading this blog. Certainly starts getting you thinking about stuff.

        I wish to god I’d never reviewed that story or got sucked into the mind-numbing vortex that comes with reading it.

        It is the most over-rated, pretentious, ridiculous story in fandom and that takes some doing, given the competition.

        Um. The review I wished I hadda written for realz?!

        • Anonymous says:

          Very well said. Kinda almost wanna ask if this is SR, but that couldn’t be, as SR has decided to crawl back up into its own asshole and WiFi signals are rather weak in such settings.

        • copywho says:

          Loved your review Anonymous! Reading it, I realised that I must have skipped portions of the story as I can’t even recall the Donne’s Flea during the carrel scene and don’t get me started on any of the Dante lectures. The pretentious moments you note are spot on. The naming of so many brand names was nauseous. So many stories mention brand names and for the most part it often irrelevant to the story development.

          I like your question whether it was satire or elaborate joke. I think SR would like the former but if we have all been had, then I think it was an elaborate ruse. (Perhaps Twankard needs a poll on this very question, and yes option three would be who cares!).

          We await your next move SR. I’m sure you are working through your game theory analysis at this very moment. Let’s hope you are not in a Prisoner’s Dilemma at the court of Aro.

        • amaaaazed says:

          Yep. I stopped caring about the updates for the story after Bella lost her virginity. It became clear to me that it was about to go into an extended angst mode, so I thought I’d take a break until it got to the end. But that didn’t stop me from hearing all of the wank from that point on. I’m so glad I stopped reading it if you could call what I was doing that. It was incredibly pretentious and dull, and you’re right. The plot development showed a lack of subtlety and skill that if the person were truly uber-intellectual… it would have been seamless, but it wasn’t. And yet, people were so impressed with it because it went on and on and on and on and…. about shit that’s irrelevant, but clearly aimed to advertise to the reader that SR must be really smart. It’s unfortunate that a lot people allow perceived intelligence to steamroll over them because of fancy words or literary/artistic references. People assume that because they’re learning about things (usually without questioning it) the text and the writer must be smarter than them, which is bullshit. It just means you got duped. It started out okay. Then I started to skim read before the updates just sat in my fandom email account.

        • Anonymous says:

          I flounced UofEM early on when they had that ridonk argument in front of the whole class, mostly because of the way the story reminded me of a particularly bad telanovela. I just had this sick feeling that whoever was writing it was openly mocking not only anyone in the fandom who writes stories in academic or artistic settings, but also openly mocking s/h/its own readers.

          I have no problem with people not wanting to read something for whatever reason they don’t want to read it, but holy shitballs, why be such an asshole with people who are just trying to enjoy a goddamn story?

          I’ve always hoped that I was wrong, and I still hope I’m wrong, and that whoever is going by the seriously over the top name SR, s/h/it is seriously just that pretentious and meant every precious word of it. If that person or people really did start this as a giant twank, I hope the recent disappearance just stays permanent.

        • Anonymous says:

          “The ‘mystery’, if there was ever a mystery, had gone.”

          Everything we thought was a mystery really wasn’t. I appreciate you saying this, as very few do. The mystery turned out to be better than what we were force fed in the end.

          The suggestion that her writing of this as a social experiment makes a lot more sense when we consider that his thread participants came up with many of the scenes that ended up in the story. A poster suggests Dante dolls and what shows up? A few posters discuss corsets on the thread and lo and behold! A couple of posters mention going to Italy and what they did and bam! A poster suggests that the worst thing Tanya could give him would be a sonogram and what shows up in the next chapter? It happens often. This story is a social experiment and the thread wrote a lot of it. The muses played into her hands. SR manipulated them all and they don’t even realize it.

          If she gets credit for this experiment, shouldn’t they? Or his reviewers? They earned part of that grade/paycheck/whatthefuckeverrrrr. Has anyone talked about the readers writing parts of this story yet? Sorry if they did say it already. I expect Anonymuses to show up after the comments we’re making here.

          I can’t believe none of them have mentioned Twankhard on that thread yet. I wonder why is that?

          • oh jeebus says:

            They’re trying to pretend we don’t exist would be my guess.

            • amaaaazed says:

              Exactly, my dear. They are trying to believe we are all stupid, bullying hags who don’t make a point every once in a while.

              Twific Twankings are my favorite because this has been an education, and there are not a lot places where you can discuss it freely without the writer or his/her minions attacking you like a good little freak show. Seriously, I’ve said things and been attacked or just blatantly ignored for it in ~non-anon threads, and then I would get PMs from people who agreed with me but didn’t speak up in the threads because they were ~afraid to agree with me openly. Now what kind of shit is that? We are all on the internet and for some people, more than others, mostly anonymous. Who’s the cyber-bully now?

            • amaaaazed says:

              oops, TYPO. I meant to say you “CAN’T” discuss it freely.

          • Anonymous says:

            I’m deliberately being confusing interchanging the hers and his because I think its a SHE, but because the ambiguity is so comical already, I was joking around. After reading it, I just sound confused. Soooorrrrryyyyy. Carry on

          • anonymous says:

            They don’t see the use of their ideas in the story as anything but a good ole’ pat on the back from the most esteemed author.

            A shout out from SR! Aren’t we amazing, muses?!
            Isn’t SR so clev-vah, reading all our posts and putting it into the story!

            Looking at the story from a different point-of-view and recognizing that maybe they/us/me got had is sure to rock yer world when you’ve emotionally attached yourself to the story like the slores have.

            SR has said that she/he/whatever is a published writer and a former student of the Sorbonne who travels for work. Can’t decide if that makes SR a PhD candidate doing a thesis on FF or a journalist or a non-fiction writer. Not that it matters. The mystery of SR is probably like the mystery of the story itself.

            And just because the slores aren’t discussing this blog on the forum, doesn’t mean that they aren’t doing it privately. They practically have shares in Skype and g-chat.

          • Anonymous says:

            I am trying to be discreet with specific details, or else it would be way too obvious who I was on that fucking thread, but there was an idea I had about WTF was going on with one of the characters that I put quite a bit of thought into. A lot of people did not agree, but I stuck with it, and then randomly, 3 weeks after I first brought it up, it showed up in the fic, and yet it served NO PURPOSE to the story. It was really weird, it seemed really out of place, and it felt like it was added in just to accommodate me. It almost seemed like I was expected to go apeshit over the nod to my theory and kiss SR’s feet. Now, in truth, I do not remember if I ever acknowledged the whole thing on the thread, but I really don’t think I did. It just felt wrong. And from then on, EVERYTHING discussed on that thread went right into the story, with everyone shrieking and *blushing* and *swooning* over every little mention. It felt gross and I honestly wanted to say that it no longer felt like SR was writing the fic. It felt poached.

            • copywho says:

              Very interesting post Anonymous (our UoEM thread insider)! It is an interesting dilemna that authors in serial fanfiction face. On the one hand authors ask for reviews, but I’ve read interviews from authors where they get dismayed that readers work out a plot point they had planned for upcoming chapters (Icy mentioned this recently). On the other hand, they can use reviewers with a good idea and incorporate that into the story. This can be done to give kudos to a reviewer or alternatively it can be used as it was a better idea then they had planned. The author can then of course just say they planned it all along.

              The one time I posted on the UoEM site was with a theory about a minor character and their role (before the resolution of the tribunal). Looking back on it, that character did play more of a role then even I would have thought the story justified. I now offer my apologies to all the readers of UoEM for the extra 5,000+ words (and epilogue) this character received. I shall die happy knowing Peter has his own HEA. Thanks SR!

              In fairness to SR near the end he/she did acknowledge the early reviewers of the fic. Whether any published story acknowledges how much of the story was actually a collaboration (prompt anyone) is to be seen.

  55. Anonymous says:

    Wow..this was an eye opening twank indeed….not because I never got past the first few chapters, but indeed the writers behaviour at being twanked.

    Sometimes you think you know people and then..kapow….. you really don’t!

    I must say, at the beginning I was an advocate of the story and was happy to promote it, but as it went on…things changed, people changed and well heck…everything changed.

    I just wanted to say that I lulz’d at all the gifs…..and personally, I don’t want to know who’s ‘behind’ this blog…it’s amazing the traffic it’s been getting and I think it’s been long overdue.

    Twank On & Prosper

    • AnonymousHonesty says:

      Exactly. This has been a long time coming and the ones guilty of it are calling it hate and bullying. But bullying people in reviews, ANs and on Twitter isn’t bad at ALL. Oh reeeeeaaaaalllyyy.

      This is a honest eyeopener and I love it.

  56. Anonymous says:

    How is he a big name author? His review count begs to differ. Is it a self-proclaimed title? Just wondering.

  57. WantToHumpTwankWard says:

    Meh…. this writer is indeed worthy of a twank but I’m over it….reading the comments are always so much more fun than the original twank!

    Moving right along!

    **Where is that damn TwankWard by the way…I keep missing him…my humping knows no boundaries**

  58. Nurse of the Twilight Fandon Asylum says:

    Here in the hospital, we print fanfics and use to clean all the bullshit that comes from the mouth and brain of our patients.

  59. Nurse of the Twilight Fandon Asylum says:

    And Lisa Rowe says: “fuck your life” – Angelina Jolie, in “Girl Interrupted”.

    I love this film, I worked in that hospital of the movie, all the patients had a good prognostic, unfotunally this is not happening in my new work… 😦

    This post is dedicated to a friend fan of Angelina too.

  60. Anonymous says:

    Oh, wow. I haven’t read BV (HA, more STD acronyms). I did just remove it from my reading list, however… Everything I could have possibly thought to say (and then a lot of shit I never would have said) has already been posted. So, here’s a visual rendition of the tweets in this post:

  61. WTFchuck? says:

    *ahem* Has anyone seen this? It’s the site to his ‘books’ that already have over 1600 reviews and ALL positive!

    Under this tab…

    What authors do I love?

    c. anna cullen(3)
    Carlisle Bella and the Banana(6)
    cosmogirl7481(4) danielgaleh00rs(3)
    Ironic Twist(10)
    m81170(2) RosaBella75(10)
    Snowqueens Icedragon(2)
    summer lovin contest(15)

    ummmm please, tell me, do a few look out of place to you?

    Here’s the link, enjoy 😉

    • BOO! says:

      I got rec’d by someone from that list. Woot, how speshul am I? But the bitch pulled her shit to have it “published”. RUDE!

      • WTFchuck? says:

        I have a feeling I might know who you’re talking about … someone who recently pulled is on that list and she didn’t pull to publish, she pulled because her story was in that PDF file with HER NAME ON IT there for crediting her and she took her whole story down with a big ‘fuck you’ letter to the person who did the PDF threatening to ‘take them down’ (coz they’re obviously some kind of big blackmarket business) and then added that she was thinking about publishing it anyway so she HAS to take it down. :-s errrm it was a great story and all but not really something I’d read in a book.

        • twankaholic says:


          • WTFchuck? says:

            Starts with H and ends in R LOL If you visit her profile I’m pretty sure she still has her ‘letter to readers’ up? I haven’t been back since i saw what she wrote and pfffft her.

            I have to laugh seeing one of my closest friends on that list, they can’t stand the guy and think he’s a total creep. I’m tempted to email them and let them know they’re loved dearly by ML and if they don’t look out he’ll be hunting them down to give out a morgasm.

          • I'm not telling says:

            From HappyWanderer and her story “Bad Press”

            “Dear Loyal Readers,

            I do not have the words to fully express the appreciation and love I have for the fandom. Your kind words and support have taken my breath away on more than one occasion since I first published my story on this site. I’d love nothing more than to tell you that the support of the many will always overshadow the damage the few can do; but that’s simply not the case here.

            They say that imitation is the finest form of flattery; but in the case of plagiarism, I don’t believe this to be true. In recent weeks, there have been a couple of cases of “Bad Press” being hijacked by plagiarizing authors on different websites. (Thank you, once again, to the faithful readers that alerted me to this fact. You know who you are.) With the ultimate goal of publishing this story professionally, I’ve decided to copyright my chapters sooner than expected. As a result, I’m forced to pull my story from fanfiction.

            I’m aware that most of you will be displeased with me and my decision. I only hope that the artist within each of you will understand where I’m coming from as I circle the wagons and protect my writing.

            Thank you from the bottom of my heart,


            PS: If the thieving bastards are reading this, I hope you’re happy and know that I’m coming for you with everything I have. Be afraid.”

            Hey- wait, I downloaded that to my kindle- maybe I still have it…

        • AnonymousHonesty says:

          I know who you’re talking about. I downloaded the PDF to reread and again, it’s not something that’s publishable to me. It wasn’t that good of a story. Then again Omnific might already have their hands on it so we’ll see.

    • Anonymous says:

      I see cosmogirl7481 (self proclaimed Queen Slore. I wish I had a screen cap of her old Author’s page where she claims it’s all about her. She changed that recently) and Cosmoandmarvar listed…those two need to be twanked. Their are attached to the other’s clits. Their asinine A/N conversations are nauseating. They go on and on and on.

      “Marvar: I’m really loving writing this story. I get to use the vocab. words I’ve been holding on to for the 20 years since I took AP English.

      Cosmogirl7481: I really love writing this story because vocabulary words turn me on…almost as much as SR and his elbow sucking. 🙂

      Marvar: Don’t bring other people into this relationship. We already have enough ‘favors’ to do.

      Cosmogirl7481: You were the one who suggested a threesome with Kassiah first.

      Marvar: LOL True.

      Cosmogirl7481: And while we’re on this subject, we totes owe Caren for her fuckawesome pimping of LiMB this week.

      Marvar: Foursome?

      Cosmogirl7481: I think they’d be into that. So, yeah. But what about SR?

      Marvar: You can keep him on the side.

      Cosmogirl7481: Mostly, I just want him to read to me…slowly by the fire.

      Marvar: I know. *jealous*

      Cosmogirl7481: Don’t be jealous. His ass will never be as hot as yours.”

      Another example, this time showing passive aggressive Review bitching:

      “Marvar: I signed up for Chaste Wednesdays, but no one read.

      Cosmogirl7481: Well, that’s not true. Chaste Wednesdays is huge in the Amish Fanfiction community. They really loved the one you did about Emmett, Rose and the barn…raising.

      Marvar: Maybe that’s why I didn’t get any reviews. They couldn’t use the computers.

      Cosmogirl7481: Well, they might not have left reviews, but hand-delivered letters telling you to update soon are so much more personal.”

      Kiss the BNA’s ass, kiss eachothers asses, beg for more reviews (but they admit to hardly ever responding), repeat repeat repeat repeat. The first was the A/N after chapter 3. I flounced after that. When you have to start your chapter with this kind of drivel you probably don’t have much to offer your reader in way of a story anyway. Going back and glancing at the other A/N’s after I flounced shows more of the same.

      Saw ML’s list and rolled my eyes when I saw these particular authors listed. end rant.

      • AnonymousHonesty says:

        I loved the hell out of that story at the beginning because it was funny but it got boring after Alice married hippie Jasper. Now it’s just dragging. The quirks and banter is a snooze now. They need to wrap it up soon. The review count is good so let it go.

        • bitch please says:

          Oh Cosmogirl so needs her own twank. Dig deep there is a lot there to found for the Queen of the Slores. And she pimped MOG so hard. Her pimping is like watching bad porn.

      • amaaaazed says:

        HAHAHAHHAHAA! OMG! PLEASE! I really hope Twankhard covers the excessive weird interviews/simulated conversations in A/N. I once saw a story, where the conversation in the A/N was longer than the actual update. I just wanted to review and say, “You’re not as funny/clever as you think you are, and most readers skip over this shit.”

        • Hey Nonnie Nonnie says:

          I was following the pair of them on twitter but had to stop cause their constant loving on each other made me want to barf – this is a public forum FFS. If you want to carry on like that, email each other.

          • AnonymousHonesty says:

            JFC that’s annoying. I know people flove their betas and prereaders but some go overboard and she’s one of them. I had to stop reading Retal Therapy for many reasons and her ANs and Marvar love was one of them. I get it! I get it! If you weren’t married you’d play for the other team and marry her in a heartbeat but STFU.

            The whole declaring your love every. fucking. time is annoying. Too many do this. Thank them and move the fuck on. We get it, you love them. Say it in an email or call and do some phone loving but SFU.

            • Chocolate Anony Mousse says:

              Thank fuck I’m not the only one who flounced Retail Therapy. I flounced at chapter 10 and came back in the early 30’s. Guess what? No character development, more bullshit flowery writing and it’s clear the girl knows jackshit about retail. Being someone that has been in a similar occupation as Bella in RT, I wanted to scream at the stupidity of her character and the writing.

              Someone please twank her. I can’t stand her and all the fucking love she gets from the fandom. There are way too many people for me to individually throttle.

              • AnonymousHonesty says:

                There needs to be a ricochet throttle twank because some need to be looped together. Don’t know who’d be looped with Morgan though because I don’t think I’ve seen someone show their ass like THAT ever in this fandom.

              • yomama says:

                You mean you didn’t flove Darcyward **GAG**

                • Chocolate Anony Mousse says:

                  Yeah…”Darcyward”? GMAFB. If that man existed in real life, he’d be deemed gay or severe attachment issues. She can’t write for shit and needs to put out another story like I need a hole in the head.

                  • Anon says:

                    That Edward barely deserved the nickname given to him. I did like that story though.

                    I started reading her latest story and immediately wondered what KiyaRaven (Grasping Darkness) thinks of the similarities.

                    • Chocolate Anony Mousse says:

                      *Raises eyebrow* Oh really? That would be interesting, but I have no idea what her story is about. I adore anything by Kiya and I love Grasping Darkness.

  62. I'm not telling says:

    I would say since squalloogal(0) hasn’t written anything- she doesn’t fall under the “author” category…but hey- there a a couple peeps on that list I like and who aren’t ego-maniacs! They didn’t ask to be put on his list! *whispers*I may or may not be on that list!

  63. WTFchuck? says:

    You get a signed copy of ML’s book one (this includes the long list of disclaimers seen here in his disclaimer tab , included is a CD with all the original music and a pull out of all the original artwork.

    Aren’t you totes excited about that? And because i’m feeling generous, I will chuck in an ML blow up doll to make those morgasms more RL like 😉

    • amaaaazed says:

      That is the dumbest link I’ve ever clicked on.

      Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. Stupid rumours (or should I just go ahead say complete falsities?) and fans that go gah gah for them gives people who actually like R/K a bad name. Although I don’t even know any ~shippers who wouldn’t laugh at that story alongside Nonstens and IDGAFstens, tbh. But then again, I don’t know any of the Crazy Robstens. They could be squeeing on AIM right now.

      • WTFchuck? says:

        yer, it’s slightly crazy. Almost as bad as Robert being pregnant as one tabloid wrote last year?
        I’m thinking that Robsten that was twanked for photo leakage? Sounds crazy enough to be her idea.

        • amaaaazed says:

          The matching tattoos were what really made me laugh. I mean, obviously I don’t know the guy, but the image of Rob getting a tattoo … it’s almost as funny as Edward covered in tattoos.

          Tattwards are so hysterical to me. I’ve read some, but I just try my hardest to ignore all the tattoo gushing.

  64. Anonymous says:

    You might be interested to see what this website is all about. Found it while googling our dear Morgan Locklear.

  65. anonymous says:

    My favourite part of this blog is the ‘fuck yeah’ gif.

  66. Anon E Mouse says:

    Bwahaha! I just noticed the tag line under the Twankhard logo. LOL

  67. Anonymous says:

    Is it just me, or does this read like a Victoria Bitter personality? JS.

  68. Whatdoesitmatterifitwontshowanyway? says:

    I am tempted to do something ultra twank-worthy, just so we can have a new entry on this blog.

  69. WrongJustWrong says:

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but this Twank was about MorganLocklear, not Sleepyval or Gisellelx, right? How in the hell did this morph into bashing them?

    • Anon says:

      You’re kidding, right? Judging by the amount of comments it’s impossible to not make connections to other shit in the fandom. It’s the brilliance of this blog. Twankhard gives us a well explained example and we can all respond with scores of others, all related by common threads of facts and observations. The cycle of refreshing truth continues as more is discussed. The problem is?

    • amaaaazed says:


  70. *singing the Doug themesong* says:

    Yes, he’s an asshole…but to be fair, he’s a man and can’t help it. lol

  71. I'm not telling says:

    what’s up with comment moderating again. Not that I mind- just wondering why

  72. Anonymous says:

    So is everything over now? No more twanks? I love finding out about crazy, twanking people.

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