Archive for the ‘A/N wank’ Category


I’m a firm believer in kicking a man when he’s down, beating a dead horse, and above all, trying to convince the fandom that publishing with Omnific, and TWCS Publishing house is better than just going to Amazon and cutting out the middle man.

From chapter 1 of  Lindseyfair’s Bring Me To Life.

May 8th, 2010

It pains me in many ways to have to do this, but I am removing all but the first chapter of “Bring Me to Life”. As some of you might know, I have been working on an original version for some time now. I have finally found a publisher and I’m getting ready to send it off shortly after I post this note. I hate to do this because this story is still getting reviews and favorite alerts daily. I apologize to those of you who were unable to read this story completely.

If you keep this story on alert, I will be posting notes as the publish date gets closer. You will also be able to keep up to date on my web site, lindseygray.webs.com (broken link)

Now, after thinking some, we realized that perhaps there is still confusion (how? idk idk)…so we decided to go to the expert–Google:

Question: What is FanFic?

Answer: Fan Fiction (FanFic) is a genre of amateur creative expression that features characters from movies, TV shows, and popular culture in new situations or adventures.

The vast majority of these stories and poems are written by fans with no commercial interest to disseminate their work over the Internet, email lists, or newsgroups…

Now wait–maybe I misunderstood!  Could it be that the expert’s on fanfic have it wrong?

“…Regardless of whether FanFic authors are really fans, owners of original works often do not look favorably upon these works. In response, the owners of the rights often try to stop the creation of FanFic through cease and desist letters and the threat of lawsuit.”

Hmmm…but what about…

Question: What kinds of things are copyrighted?

Answer: In order for a work to be protected by copyright, it must be an original creation set in a fixed medium.

An artist or author does not have a copyright in material borrowed from someone else. Also, stock characters (the sidekick) or plot lines (boy meets girl) are not copyrightable.

But enough about the dead horse…  Publishing can be hard work:

There’s also this (from chapter 1 A/N):

“It looks like I might also be attending the Twilight Convention in Dallas this November as part of this publishing house’s first authors. I would love to meet any of you who will be attending. I will hopefully be able to let you know the release date for my other novel by then.”

Because all books produced by this “publishing house” are so original and not in any way shape or form tied to Twilight that they’re piggybacking off the franchise’s convention.

Okay.

We don’t even know what to do with the fact that she’s announcing that she’ll be at Dallas Twi-con…well, except to show you this post from her blog- just in case you aren’t sure of where she will be and her availability…

Hey all!

As the date creeps near, I will be available for interviews and personal appearances. If you or anyone you know would be interested, please contact my marketing agent, Shae. She can be reached at (714)989-6564 or Shae@thewriterscoffeeshop.com.

This is such an exciting time for me and I hope that you all will be this excited after you read the book. I look forward to discussing it with you all.

And in an unrelated twank that we’re just tossing in here because we can, HappyWanderer’s Bad Press was recently pulled:

They say that imitation is the finest form of flattery; but in the case of plagiarism, I don’t believe this to be true. In recent weeks, there have been a couple of cases of “Bad Press” being hijacked by plagiarizing authors on different websites. (Thank you, once again, to the faithful readers that alerted me to this fact. You know who you are.) With the ultimate goal of publishing this story professionally, I’ve decided to copyright my chapters sooner than expected. As a result, I’m forced to pull my story from fanfiction.I’m aware that most of you will be displeased with me and my decision. I only hope that the artist within each of you will understand where I’m coming from as I circle the wagons and protect my writing.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

HW

PS: If the thieving bastards are reading this, I hope you’re happy and know that I’m coming for you with everything I have. Be afraid.

Be afraid, you thieving bastards!

.


Twelve twank reports in thirty minutes. It can only mean another round of PULL THAT FIC AND SELL IT!

ekimmuh, author of Finding Bella decided to pull it from FFn in light of the recent pulled/completed fic database (which didn’t even include her story).

From Finding Bella (the only chapter left up), her blog, and a Twilighted.net forum post:

It was brought to my attention tonight that some members of the fandom who are not happy about some of the fanfiction authors publishing their stories have taken it upon themselves to compile a list of fics and put them into a database for everyone to access who wants to. This makes publishing a story that one has written and posted on the fandom extremely difficult. It is sad that these individuals feel that they have the right from the author to take the story they’ve created to a larger readership, but that is exactly what is happening. We all share our writing on the fandom for free, but that does not mean that if we find our work to be ‘good enough’ we would not want to try and publish it and make money from it. We all put a lot of time and effort into these stories.

Our C&P links to all those websites confirming how ILLEGAL that is have begged us to give them a vacation, so we won’t bother.

So, it is with a sad heart that I have removed Finding Bella. Given that I have announced that I am publishing a novel (not Finding Bella), I feel that I, and my story will soon be targeted by this group. Believe me when I say that I do this with great sadness. I know that Finding Bella has a huge following in the fandom and that it will be missed.

That’s a lot of self-importance. Allow us to translate.

*WANK* *WANK* *WANK*

With that said, I want to assure you that you all will get your ended. Unfortunately, due to what is going on, you are now going to wait until the story is published. It will be a series of books instead of one and I am hoping to have the first one out, if all goes well, sometime next year.

At first, we thought this meant she was publishing Finding Bella, even though she just said the paragraph before that she wasn’t, but truthfully, her blog post was so poorly written that we’re not even sure what she means. Since she spends many words defending her copyrights, we’re going to tentatively assume she intends to publish her fanfickshun.

I will not be disappearing from the fandom, and I will probably still write here although I will most likely be sticking to cannon or AU stories from now on.

We’ll all just be jumping to read that, since you treated your HUGE FOLLOWING with such obvious respect with your last story.

I am asking that if you do have a copy of Finding Bella saved on your hard drive that you do not share it. Many of you will not be happy with my decision, but I do hope you understand. This is personal. Whether or not an author used the Twilight characters as a jumping board or not write their story, it is still their story and belongs to them. I ask my readers to please respect that and not help add to this.

In response to a reply on her blog post:

Charmie,

No. This is not selfless. I put a lot of time and energy into this story and if I would like to publish it one of these days then that is something I feel is perfectly within my rights to do as it has nothing to do with Twilight. Putting it on the blog or another site would not protect it from being stolen. The only option was to take it down, which is what I have done.

Insert the same 10 or 20 links to copyright law here.

Just no.

Her Twitter and blog suggest that she’s in support of TWCS, who we twanked last month for basically being thieves. They’re also the “publishing house” that’s about to market such treasures as Just Wait and The Perfect Wife, whose author is about to have some kind of big reveal in the next eight days, idk idk. It’s not a big leap to assume she plans to submit Finding Bella to them as well, if they haven’t already agreed to steal her HUGE FOLLOWING’s money publish it already.

That’s just speculation though. It’s possible she’s going to a real life publisher to query her fanfickshun, but since she recently made an entire blog post whining about Twilighted beta feedback, we don’t think she’s up for all that.

Twilighted is a privately owned site and the administrators have the right to run it as they see fit, however, as the author I have issues with being asked to change my story.

.


Warning! This twank doesn’t come with brain bleach.

rubber-duckies-1234 has an interesting little story by the title of Daddy’s favourite girl, which features an incestuous/pedophilia/omgthisissogross mature relationship between Charlie and Bella. Our first instinct was to just run very far away, but others have been reporting this story to FFn for violation of the ToS.

But we can’t understand why they would. Like rubber-duckies says again and again:

I put up a warning that there was going to be incest. So please don’t review or if you don’t like it, or if your disgusted by it, I mean why review a story and tell me it’s sick. I know it’s sick and twisted but everyone has different opinion and there is a plot for this story.

Rated M for mature themes and incest.

You’ve all been warned! We don’t know about you, but whenever we see something offensive, disgusting,  repulsive, immoral, scary, etc and so on, we just ignore it. That’s why whenever we see suspicious men on playgrounds with their hands in their pants, we walk the other way instead of causing a scene, amirite?

A/N: No rude reviews please and vote on my poll!

The readers have been warned that the story is sick, twisted, and incestuous, and instructed to only leave nice reviews.

ENTER: THE RUDE REVIEWS!

Okay everyone, don’t be mad because I know that I promise there won’t be another AN. I have some bad news and good news.

Bad news:

People have been reporting this story saying it’s sick and disgusting. I put up a warning that there was going to be incest. So please don’t review or if you don’t like it, or if your disgusted by it, I mean why review a story and tell me it’s sick. I know it’s sick and twisted but everyone has different opinion. I don’t know if this story is going to be deleted or not.

And remember it is Fanfiction “Unleash you imagination.” That is the quote for the FF. Just saying.

She seems so familiar with Fanfiction.net’s slogan. We wish they’d add to that “…if you’ve read the ToS.” (Which she obviously hasn’t)

She also lists in her last chapter every (good) reviewer, story alerter, and story favorite’er, because that’s something everyone wants to be closely associated with.

Also an Evil Twin wank from her FFn profile, just because it made us lawl:

Sorry for those of you that gotten hate messages from me, I lent my brother my laptop and forgot to sign out of FF because I just made an account and my brother went on, so I am so sorry for the trouble I caused.

.


This twank has had us laughing all night long. At least 5 Nonnies reported it, but by the time Twankharder2 *glares* got around to checking our email, the author had pulled the material in question. But we could kiss Nonnie #6, who so diligently took a screenshot for your entertainment.

Firstly, we’d like to congratulate Hannah81 (Twilighted validation beta, of course) on this:

ACO would be All Cried Out, a twilight fanfiction that she completed and later removed. She still has the outtakes on her fanfiction.net profile.

She’s obviously been terribly busy, editing the fanfiction into a marketable masterpiece (and only in one month!).

We all know how illegal immoral difficult it must be to transform a fanfiction into something resembling an original work. We imagine there must be an abundance of search and replace plot and character revisions. So much, that she’d basically have to rewrite the story.

Omnific was pleased with the revisions Hannah chose, and look how excited she is! She is going to be real life published by a real life publishing company! Break out the champagne! All that searching and replacing hard work paid off!

But first, Hannah must tell her readers! And how better to tell her readers than to offer them a oneshot with an A/N proclaiming she now has absolute ownership of All Cried Out, and Oh! She hopes you’ll buy the book! She realizes you already read the fanfiction, but this book is going to be so different. Practically not even the same thing.

But the chapter update doesn’t exist. This is the point where Twankhard taps a finger against our chins and hems and hahs.

Enter, Nonnie of the Week! She took a screenshot before Hannah81 removed the chapter, probably in a  fit of total embarrassment.

(Click to see fullsize)

Note that every recognizable Twilight character and location name now has a new one smooshed up beside it. EdwardWesley and CharlotteBella are just so glad Hannah81 took the time to properly edit her fanfiction into something original and publishable. It’d be awful to know she used search and replace, and awfuller to know she didn’t even do that correctly. Awfuller even to know she’d post it by accident without even reading it through.

Hannah81 is clearly publishing material.

(PatrickJasper/ChloeAlice OTP)

.


You know it’s going to be lulzy when chapter 1 is nothing but A/N and it still has over 4,000 reviews.

There Will be Blood by johnnyboy7

Dear Faithful Readers (who from this moment on, will be called Johnny’s since I’m vain like that haha).

Welcome to a new adventure from my mind and trust me, its going to be a trip.

If you’ve been reading some of my other stuff aka THVC or LDV,

you will know that I am a pretty extensive writer who enjoys diving head first into the lives and characters of my stories. This story is going to be no different and expect long, detailed chapters.

This is a Bella/Edward, ALL HUMAN story and is very OCC as far as the Cullen’s go. I don’t want reviews telling me this because I wrote the story so I know this is going to be totally different from Stephanie Meyer’s stuff. This is a pure Johnnyboy7 creation. Remember that.

We’ve never ready anything like this before!

Also, since this is going to be a ‘life story’, there won’t be drama and lemons in every chapter. Of course, you know I love my smut and drama but it won’t be happening every day.

Life story? More like an autobiography AMIRITE?

Just let the story progress and stick with it. I promise you’ll be on a roller coaster from the prologue.

Well, since you demanded asked so nicely…

Now on to the technical stuff; this story will have alternating Bella/Edward POV’s by chapter except for the prologue, which was just something I was trying out. There will be cannon pairings but like I said before, Edward is VERY DIFFERENT.

Well maybe I should say that he isn’t different but for a human, he can be pretty messed up. Think of him as the closest thing to vampire as a human can be.v

THIS IS A MAFIA STORY.

ALL THE THINGS THAT COME WITH THAT WILL BE IN THE SUBSEQUENT CHAPTERS.

That brings me to my next part of my first of many author’s rants. This story is a very intricate reflection of the underground crime world.

The mob is never a clean thing so this story won’t be either.

IF YOU AREN’T OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE THEN PLEASE JUST SKIP RIGHT OVER THIS STORY AND COME BACK WHEN YOU’RE OLDER.

CAN WE AT LEAST STILL CLICK ON ALL THE OUTFIT PICTURES ON YOUR PROFILE, JOHNNY? OH PLEASE!

This story has blood, gore, violence, guns, references to religion, drugs, alcohol, language, dirty lemonade and so much more. It’s rated M for a reason; very dark themes dealing with the mafia and crime families. I think I use the word ‘fuck’ or some variation of it at least twenty times in the first chapter.

… wasn’t Edward supposed to be VERY DIFFERENT?

Expect lots of Mobward. He’s not a very close ‘Twilight’ Edward. Bella is closer to the books but not fully. Although he might ‘soften’ throughout the story, don’t expect him to ever truly be fluffy per se.

I think that’s all. I just wanted to warn everyone before we get this thing started.

I know I’m sounding like a ‘father’ right now

Is that what they’re calling tools now?

He ends the rest of the chapters in BOLD SHOUTY CAPS, telling the reader what they should be focusing on and worrying about, narrating the rise in reviews, and promoting contests that he REALLY WANTS TO WIN SOMETHING from!

Chapter 13:

AND GOOD NEWS…LEMON COMING UP NEXT! I KNOW HOW PERVY YOU ALL ARE

Chapter 14:

EVERYONE KEEPS ASKING WHEN BELLA WILL REVEAL HER AGE. AT THIS POINT TO THE CHARACTERS, ITS NOT A BIG DEAL TO ANYONE EXCEPT BELLA. EDWARD COULD EASILY GET THE INFORMATION IF HE WANTED BUT SHE TOLD HIM SHE WAS 21, WHY WOULDN’T HE BELIEVE HER? PLUS, IN THEIR EYES, THIS IS A ONE TIME DEAL…AS OF NOW. THE AGE THING WILL BE COMING UP SHORTLY, ESPECIALLY ONCE THE FAMILY FINDS OUT ABOUT OUR LOVER’S LITTLE TRYST.

WHAT EVERYONE REALLY NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT IS WHETER BELLA IS ITALIAN OR NOT. THAT’S A WHOLE SEPARATE ISSUE ON ITS OWN AND DID WE FORGET THAT CHARLIE’S A COP? MY, MY, MY. THINGS ARE HEATING UP.

LOTS GOING ON. HOPE YOU CAN ALL KEEP UP.

Thanks for mansplaining that to us, Johnny. Our minds are just so tiny and insignificant and pervy. It is so hard to keep up with your ignorance intricate reflections of the crime world.

Chapter 17:

ONCE AGAIN, I KEEP GETTING SO MANY COMMENTS ABOUT BELLA’S AGE. ONE REVIEWER EVEN CALLED HER A HYPOCRITE FOR KEEPING SECRETS. GOOD LORD FOLKS, IT’S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL ALTHOUGH SHE THINKS IT IS. I PROMISE THAT THE AGE QUESTION WILL BE ADDRESSED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, ON FRIDAY, WHICH IS A BEAST BY THE WAY.

BUT AS I’VE SAID BEFORE, THE AGE THING ISN’T THE BIGGEST DEAL. DID EVERYONE FORGET THAT EDWARD’S IN THE MOB? MAJOR PROBLEM. I CAN’T STRESS THAT ENOUGH.

IN OTHER NEWS, LOTS OF THINGS GOING ON OUTSIDE OF THE STORY.

SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE RECOMMENDED THIS STORY TO OTHER SITES AND I’VE GOTTEN AN INFLUX OF REVIEWERS WHO HAVE BEEN SENT OVER TO THE STORY. THERE HAS BEEN SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORKS, THAT I’VE DECIDED TO START A BLOG.

With all of your new popularity, intricate plots that we can barely keep up with, and neverending efforts to please the hoards of “pervs” that read you, of course you need a blog! Next stop, COPYRIGHTING!

.


(Really, we’re trying to do more general Twilight Fandom crap, but this whole publishing phenomenon has spread worse than a case of herpes, and the hypocrisy is a lollercoaster of amazing.)

This all starts out with a thorough Nonnie Mouse. She sent us a twank on someone else, but we don’t have enough lulz for that yet, so we’re twanking her second suggestion, because Twanker in question just gives us so much material.

We’ll start with the A/N, because doesn’t everything?

5.21.10 I’m posting this here as well, since there have been several people who started the story after the fact, and have sent hateful reviews. After an agonizing process, I made the decision to pull NYA from FFN and Twilighted, because I want to try to publish it. I’ve been told by many with experience that this is the first step, and it should have been done long before now, but I chose to allow my readers to finish the story. I’m really sorry you missed out, but I’ve worked hard to help out those who were in the middle of the story. If you just found it today, please don’t send me hateful reviews. Thanks.

DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns any and all things Twilight. The plot belongs to me!

That’s a lot of self-importance, allow us to translate:

*BAWWW BAD REVIEW*

*I’M GOING TO BE LYKE A REEL ARTHUR OMG!*

*MY REVIEWERS TOLD ME I WAS LYKE SO AWESUM*

*STOP HAVING OPINIONS BAWWW*

*MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT*

One wanky A/N for all that wasn’t enough. She added another to the bottom a month or so later.

AN: 7.5.10 A new note thanks to all the messages – some not very kind.

First off, this story was completed on May 2, two months ago. I waited until the reviews had all but stopped coming in before I pulled, and that was on May 21st. I knew there were a few still reading, so I created a temporary, private Live Journal account for those people to finish it. That account was left open for over a month, and I’ve only recently taken it down. Of course, it turns out there were over 100 people still reading, many of whom had never reviewed. It’s very difficult to know who is still following your story when they aren’t telling you about it.

I understand readers frustration with authors pulling, but please don’t take it out on me. I feel I’ve done more than most authors who pull their stories. Some have asked why I even bothered to post this story here if I was going to pull it. The reason is because when I began writing NYA, I had NO idea I would try to publish. I was simply enjoying FF at the time, and wanted to get back into writing because it’s always been something I enjoyed. I didn’t realize until about halfway through that it had the potential (and I’m still not sure it does) and even then it took me quite a while to get the guts to do it. It’s not an easy decision for a writer, and it’s never black and white. I will say that I was advised by several people to pull the story well before it was finished if I had intentions of publishing, but I didn’t want to do that to my readers.

I feel I’ve done the best I could, and at the end of the day, this is my story, and something I need to do for myself.

Secondly, if you’re going to leave an unsigned review with a nasty remark about a story that’s been published for a while, be sure to spell disappointed correctly.

That’s a lot of inaccuracy and reviewer bashing, allow us to translate:

*BAWWW BAD REVIEW*

*BAWWW YOU DIDN’T REVIEW*

*PUBLISHING FANFICKSUN IS SO HARD *

*MY REVIEWERS TOLD ME I WAS LYKE SO AWESUM*

*MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT*

*REVIEWER BASHING* *REVIEWER BASHING* *REVIEWER BASHING*

We don’t want to beat any decaying equine-centric corpses, but if we did, we’d probably just link these again. But then again, we wouldn’t even have to, because the author, EBalways, has already read our blog. We bet that went well!

Just to show we twank all sides, all the time, EBalways had a few laughs over the RPL twank.

But then, we guess she caught of wind our whole stealing is stealing, even when you’re stealing by means of publishing fanfiction theme.

Then, we guess she caught wind of our whole links with facts which prove you can’t publish fanfiction thing.

And we weren’t really funny anymore.

='(

So she’s going to ignore the law opinions of others, because it can’t just be that she might be wrong. No. The entirety of fandom and copyright law must be wrong (unless we’re mocking other plagiarists). JUST LOOK AT RUSSET NOON!

Right.

To tie it all in a bow, she even has a blog, where she documents the long, windy path she must endure to search/replace the names and places edit the plagiarism story into a marketable masterpiece. This same blog boasts the twanktastic long-winded self discussion about her own stories, constructed criticism vs nitpicking/bawwww, and of course, the popular girls of fandom whose ginormous EGOS are holding us all down rant.

That sounds fun! Let’s quote this one!

Egos seem to flare when a fic becomes uber popular, and everyone in the fandom is flailing over the writer. I don’t get it; you just wrote a story using someone elses characters. You didn’t create world peace or solve the homeless problem. You wrote story that’s easy to read and loaded with sex. Good on you…

Which is definitely not the same as posting fanfiction without the intention of publishing, but then pulling it and attempting to do so once it’s gotten 5,800 reviews. Uh huh.

…I’ll complain about readers, too.

We never saw that coming.

I’ve not had too much of a problem as far as pulling NYA, but I’ve seen sites discussing how wrong it is to pull fan fiction and try to turn it into original work. Really? Why? Because you can’t read it for free?

Well… we we’re going to say because it’s unethical and not legal, but that’s about the same thing, in a roundabout way.

I’m sure only about 1% of the fics that get pulled for publishing go anywhere, but the people complaining about it don’t seem to realize what it takes to write a story.

Hey now. That offends us. We can make grammatically incorrect porn with “Edward/Bella” names too. That’s how SM got started, you know. She posted Twilight online first to use someone else’s audience as a guinea pig too. We all know what it takes to write a real story here.

ETA: FLOUNCITY FLOUNCE FLOUNCE

From her FFn profile

Due to unforeseen issues, I have to leave the Twific community. Thanks to all who have supported me throughout my experience, and I’m truly sorry to all those reading. I don’t like disappointing anyone. There is so much going on in my life, and I’m just not able to keep up with fan fiction any more. This was a tough decision, and I ultimately had to decide what was best for myself. Take care, and please remember to have fun with fan fic. That was the intent all along.

She buhleted her Blogger, took her ball and went home. Never mind that she promised all the readers she was complaining about that she would definitely complete The Hostage and not pull it.

.


We’d like to be the first (?) to congratulate EdwardsBloodType on the flawless copyrighting of her… everything posted on fanfiction.net.

All plot lines, backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without express written authorization. ©2010 EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.

WWWWOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLDDDDD WIDE, BITCHES!

ALL YOU HOMIES OVER THERE IN CAMBODIA,

BURMA,

FUCKING EQUATORIAL GUINEA AND SHIT,

WE KNOW YOU’RE REAL BUSY TRYING TO GAIN FREEDOM AND FIND FOOD AND CLEAN WATER TO KEEP YOUR CHILDREN ALIVE WITH, BUT IF YOU COULD TAKE A MOMENT TO FUCKING RECOGNIZE, EDWARDSBLOODTYPE HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY ABOUT HER FLY ASS TWILIGHT FANFICTION:

ALL THIS SHIT SHE’S WRITING? IT’S HERS, BITCHES (except when it isn’t). SHE IS RESERVING ALLLLLLLL HER RIGHTS (very little, if any), TESTIFY! SO DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT COPYING THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE. YOU WANT TO SEND IT TO A FRIEND? TOO BAD, LINK ALL THEM HOES TO HER SUPER PIMP FANFICTION.NET PROFILE PAGE, BITCHES, BECAUSE EDWARDSBLOODTYPE IS TOO LEGIT TO QUIT.

AND WHOEVER THE FIRST HATER IS TO TELL HER she can’t COPYRIGHT SOMETHING THAT’S ALREADY COPYRIGHTED? THEY CAN SUCK IT. WORLD. WIDE.

Under copyright law, if you don’t own the copyright to a work, you cannot do the following without permission from the copyright holder:

  • Reproduce copies of the work
  • Create derivitave works based on the work
  • Distribute copies of the work
  • Perform the work publicly
  • Display the work publicly

ALL THESE WHACK ASS GOOGLED ARTICLES AND LAW TEXT GONNA LOOK  a lot like this, BUT ALL THOSE LAWYERS AND SCHOLARS BE HATIN. SO WHAT IF THE VERY CONCEPT OF FANFICTION IS ALREADY ON SHAKY LEGAL TERRITORY? SLAP A COPYRIGHT ON THESE SUCKERS AND CALL IT A NIGHT, BECAUSE YOUR WORK IS DONE, SON.

RESPECT.

WORLD.

FUCKING.

WIDE.

BITCHES.


A two hour follow up post? We are (hardly) amazed by the response.

Apparently, wank begats wank. Or maybe it’s just another Saturday night, we’re not sure.

We’ve just received this twank submission:

107yearoldvirgin is accusing feathersmmm of “stealing” from her because she used the word “wang” in Wallbanger and quoted Ron Burgandy in her A/N.

We can’t make this up.

While the nonnie sent us screenshots of 107yearoldvirgin’s facebook wall (where she tells Feathers to “fuck off and choke”), we weren’t able to really find any logic in the accusation, or proof that any of 107yearoldvirgin’s stories we’re so dependent upon use of the popular term “wang” that it would constitute copying of any kind. No amount of digging has uncovered any logic, actually.

No, it’s just funny.

Except the death wish.

That’s just insane.

LET IT BE HEARD, UNIVERSE! ALL WANG BELONGS TO 107YEAROLDVIRGIN, ELSE YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND CHOKE.

Thanks for the warning, nonnie.

ETA:Because 107yearoldvirgin isn’t being self-important at all, she needs a whole contest to prove how much she doesn’t own wang or unfairly persecute people who use common terms.

Welcome to the Steal My Fics One Shot Contest!

What the eff is this about? It’s about giving permission to the strealers and the haters; the lovers and the laughers.

So, you want to take a piece of my second-rate ficcing and make it your own? You think you know Don? Wanna steal my ‘Wards?Come on. Everyone else is doing it.

Why not steal a SleepHumper or a Wang? Maybe take one of my One Shots and twist it around. Or use my Manny in a new house? Perhaps you want to have a mysterious photographer who can’t feel? A gay assistant named Ali? This is your chance! You have my blessing to Steal My Fics. Make me laugh and let me see what you’ve got hidden up your plagiarizing sleeves.

We love how easy you make it to like you. But, we also think “Fuck off and choke” was a way better name for this contest.


Does it come as a huge surprise that our first (blog-worthy) submitted twank hails from the ever-masturbatory feathersmmmm? Not to us, it doesn’t.

For the sake of hilarity, let’s rewind back to a simpler time in fandom. The entire TwiFic blog phenomenon was just being born, and with that came Twigasm, which for those of you who may be unfamiliar, was/is an adult-catered Twilight FanFiction podcast. Feathers, who was at the time authoring the RPF love story I Love L.A. (which has since been pulled for publishing and reworked into the masterpiece we know today as The Unidentified Personalities Redhead) was one of the authors involved.

Since Omnific (a controversial, Twilighted.net business that takes mediocre, yet popular fanfictions and edits them for the purpose of monopolizing off their guise of original fiction) sprinkled Feathers with the ill-gotten gains of publishdom, the author has become widely known for a long string of incredibly verbose and wanktastic author notes. In fact, like any good twankhard, she seems to love the attention (we know you’re reading, chicken), often transparently making the A/Ns as long as she possibly can, while passive aggressively instigating her critics.

Her most recent A/N defends her use of the endearment “chickens” (duh, it means she fucking loves you, you flock of sanctimonious morons). It also promotes her upcoming sequel to The Unidentified Talent Redhead, which she just knows you’ll buy, because you weren’t bored by the complete lack of characterization in the first one entirely fulfilled by her first, admit it.

But this isn’t where the real twank comes in. We were notified of the activity on her Twitter account this evening, and we had to admit. We were quite amused. While it’s against our rules to post screenshots of private Twitter accounts, we couldn’t resist a little creative re-enactment.

Isn’t it funny when people take things too seriously?

Like whenever mediocre fanfiction authors write a self-insert story about boning Robert Pattinson, and then proceed to dress it up as actual literature once it gains a little steam in the community?

Yes.

No matter what I do or how I explain myself, some people aren’t going to like me.

True, but it probably helps if we’re not being preached at/told to go fuck ourselves every single A/N.

Is it ever okay for authors to bash another author’s story?

Oh, this is going to get good. Translation: Someone who actually holds some weight in this community was a big fat meanie pants.

I love concrit. I just think it should only be given by critics whose ultimate goal in giving it is to see the author excel.

I’ll remember that next time I go to see an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

On public vs private criticism: If you sling nasty shit, then own up to it, slather your dildos in it, wear it on your dumb faces.

It’s okay to sling shit in public so long as you wear the feces as warpaint. We’re with you.

I have negative opinions on stories, but I never share them in public.

Wait…. what?

We’re too unmotivated to go through your timeline and prove you wrong. (And we would.)

Feel free to flame me.

Don’t worry, we will.

I’m not judging anyone.

No, you’d never do that. You’re too busy “staying classy” and using your very public A/Ns as a tool to attack and incite your critics.

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