Archive for the ‘Blog/Community wanks’ Category


I’m a firm believer in kicking a man when he’s down, beating a dead horse, and above all, trying to convince the fandom that publishing with Omnific, and TWCS Publishing house is better than just going to Amazon and cutting out the middle man.

From chapter 1 of  Lindseyfair’s Bring Me To Life.

May 8th, 2010

It pains me in many ways to have to do this, but I am removing all but the first chapter of “Bring Me to Life”. As some of you might know, I have been working on an original version for some time now. I have finally found a publisher and I’m getting ready to send it off shortly after I post this note. I hate to do this because this story is still getting reviews and favorite alerts daily. I apologize to those of you who were unable to read this story completely.

If you keep this story on alert, I will be posting notes as the publish date gets closer. You will also be able to keep up to date on my web site, lindseygray.webs.com (broken link)

Now, after thinking some, we realized that perhaps there is still confusion (how? idk idk)…so we decided to go to the expert–Google:

Question: What is FanFic?

Answer: Fan Fiction (FanFic) is a genre of amateur creative expression that features characters from movies, TV shows, and popular culture in new situations or adventures.

The vast majority of these stories and poems are written by fans with no commercial interest to disseminate their work over the Internet, email lists, or newsgroups…

Now wait–maybe I misunderstood!  Could it be that the expert’s on fanfic have it wrong?

“…Regardless of whether FanFic authors are really fans, owners of original works often do not look favorably upon these works. In response, the owners of the rights often try to stop the creation of FanFic through cease and desist letters and the threat of lawsuit.”

Hmmm…but what about…

Question: What kinds of things are copyrighted?

Answer: In order for a work to be protected by copyright, it must be an original creation set in a fixed medium.

An artist or author does not have a copyright in material borrowed from someone else. Also, stock characters (the sidekick) or plot lines (boy meets girl) are not copyrightable.

But enough about the dead horse…  Publishing can be hard work:

There’s also this (from chapter 1 A/N):

“It looks like I might also be attending the Twilight Convention in Dallas this November as part of this publishing house’s first authors. I would love to meet any of you who will be attending. I will hopefully be able to let you know the release date for my other novel by then.”

Because all books produced by this “publishing house” are so original and not in any way shape or form tied to Twilight that they’re piggybacking off the franchise’s convention.

Okay.

We don’t even know what to do with the fact that she’s announcing that she’ll be at Dallas Twi-con…well, except to show you this post from her blog- just in case you aren’t sure of where she will be and her availability…

Hey all!

As the date creeps near, I will be available for interviews and personal appearances. If you or anyone you know would be interested, please contact my marketing agent, Shae. She can be reached at (714)989-6564 or Shae@thewriterscoffeeshop.com.

This is such an exciting time for me and I hope that you all will be this excited after you read the book. I look forward to discussing it with you all.

And in an unrelated twank that we’re just tossing in here because we can, HappyWanderer’s Bad Press was recently pulled:

They say that imitation is the finest form of flattery; but in the case of plagiarism, I don’t believe this to be true. In recent weeks, there have been a couple of cases of “Bad Press” being hijacked by plagiarizing authors on different websites. (Thank you, once again, to the faithful readers that alerted me to this fact. You know who you are.) With the ultimate goal of publishing this story professionally, I’ve decided to copyright my chapters sooner than expected. As a result, I’m forced to pull my story from fanfiction.I’m aware that most of you will be displeased with me and my decision. I only hope that the artist within each of you will understand where I’m coming from as I circle the wagons and protect my writing.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

HW

PS: If the thieving bastards are reading this, I hope you’re happy and know that I’m coming for you with everything I have. Be afraid.

Be afraid, you thieving bastards!

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Twelve twank reports in thirty minutes. It can only mean another round of PULL THAT FIC AND SELL IT!

ekimmuh, author of Finding Bella decided to pull it from FFn in light of the recent pulled/completed fic database (which didn’t even include her story).

From Finding Bella (the only chapter left up), her blog, and a Twilighted.net forum post:

It was brought to my attention tonight that some members of the fandom who are not happy about some of the fanfiction authors publishing their stories have taken it upon themselves to compile a list of fics and put them into a database for everyone to access who wants to. This makes publishing a story that one has written and posted on the fandom extremely difficult. It is sad that these individuals feel that they have the right from the author to take the story they’ve created to a larger readership, but that is exactly what is happening. We all share our writing on the fandom for free, but that does not mean that if we find our work to be ‘good enough’ we would not want to try and publish it and make money from it. We all put a lot of time and effort into these stories.

Our C&P links to all those websites confirming how ILLEGAL that is have begged us to give them a vacation, so we won’t bother.

So, it is with a sad heart that I have removed Finding Bella. Given that I have announced that I am publishing a novel (not Finding Bella), I feel that I, and my story will soon be targeted by this group. Believe me when I say that I do this with great sadness. I know that Finding Bella has a huge following in the fandom and that it will be missed.

That’s a lot of self-importance. Allow us to translate.

*WANK* *WANK* *WANK*

With that said, I want to assure you that you all will get your ended. Unfortunately, due to what is going on, you are now going to wait until the story is published. It will be a series of books instead of one and I am hoping to have the first one out, if all goes well, sometime next year.

At first, we thought this meant she was publishing Finding Bella, even though she just said the paragraph before that she wasn’t, but truthfully, her blog post was so poorly written that we’re not even sure what she means. Since she spends many words defending her copyrights, we’re going to tentatively assume she intends to publish her fanfickshun.

I will not be disappearing from the fandom, and I will probably still write here although I will most likely be sticking to cannon or AU stories from now on.

We’ll all just be jumping to read that, since you treated your HUGE FOLLOWING with such obvious respect with your last story.

I am asking that if you do have a copy of Finding Bella saved on your hard drive that you do not share it. Many of you will not be happy with my decision, but I do hope you understand. This is personal. Whether or not an author used the Twilight characters as a jumping board or not write their story, it is still their story and belongs to them. I ask my readers to please respect that and not help add to this.

In response to a reply on her blog post:

Charmie,

No. This is not selfless. I put a lot of time and energy into this story and if I would like to publish it one of these days then that is something I feel is perfectly within my rights to do as it has nothing to do with Twilight. Putting it on the blog or another site would not protect it from being stolen. The only option was to take it down, which is what I have done.

Insert the same 10 or 20 links to copyright law here.

Just no.

Her Twitter and blog suggest that she’s in support of TWCS, who we twanked last month for basically being thieves. They’re also the “publishing house” that’s about to market such treasures as Just Wait and The Perfect Wife, whose author is about to have some kind of big reveal in the next eight days, idk idk. It’s not a big leap to assume she plans to submit Finding Bella to them as well, if they haven’t already agreed to steal her HUGE FOLLOWING’s money publish it already.

That’s just speculation though. It’s possible she’s going to a real life publisher to query her fanfickshun, but since she recently made an entire blog post whining about Twilighted beta feedback, we don’t think she’s up for all that.

Twilighted is a privately owned site and the administrators have the right to run it as they see fit, however, as the author I have issues with being asked to change my story.

.


Nonnie blesses our inbox with something truly twank worthy.

We’re not going to go into the specifics of what a good review is, but why would we, when mac214 has already done the homework for us? In her blog entry titled, The Lost Art of Constructive Criticism, mac teaches us what an acceptable review is. AND HER BLOG IS WEARING OUR DRESS, BUT ASIDE FROM THAT… According to her,

The art of constructive criticism seems to be lost on those in the fandom who consider themselves qualified enough to leave it. Most of the time it seems designed to make the writer feel like shit instead of genuinely helping them improve their writing.

This would seem to imply that not only is everyone not qualified enough to constructively criticize a Twilight Fanfiction, but also that most negative reviews (which are likely a generous 5% of all FFn reviews) are only being left to bring the author down.

re·view (r-vy)

v. re·viewed, re·view·ing, re·views
v.tr. 

1. To look over, study, or examine again.
2. To consider retrospectively; look back on.
3. To examine with an eye to criticism or correction: reviewed the research findings.
4. To write or give a critical report on (a new work or performance, for example).
5. Law To reexamine (an action or determination) judicially, especially in a higher court, in order to correct possible errors.
6. To subject to a formal inspection, especially a military inspection.
7. Given for the sole purpose of aiding the subject of said criticism to improve.

One could argue she was only referring to constructive criticism and not reviews as a whole. It’s not like she picked a negative review, threw it up on her blog, made an example out of a reader who was just leaving an honest and not at all hostile opinion, and then took it upon herself to correct them.

Or maybe she did.

Last night someone complained about the accent in Coming Through the Rye in a way that was less than constructive:

I’m sure you really won’t care about this review but I can’t believe you have someone Scottish helping with this dialect. You’re mixing different Scottish dialects throughout, also the only people who sound that broad are farmers and people over 70, and the glossary is hit or miss too. For a start “teucher” is absolutely not a highland term, it refers to people from NE Scotland. Black Pudding? NOTHING like a sausage, the texture/taste is so different that calling it this is ridiculous. As a Scot it pains me to see this as a representation of Scotland.

Combative. Rude. Arrogant. Did I miss anything?  I thanked the reviewer for her opinion, but shockingly this particular reviewer HAD to assure me of her superiority and correctness, which led to me letting out a tiny bit of snark.  I probably would have reined it in a bit if she’d just been insulting me (I’m certainly no expert at Scottish slang and accents), but she’s also insulting Claire, my prereader who lives in Glencoe, Scotland – and what kind of idiot implies I wouldn’t know a sausage if it bit me in the ass?  Not to mention, if you’re going to dispute the glossary definitions, be sure googling the term “teuchter” doesn’t immediately take you to page after page that defines it as a word referring to people in the Highlands. Considering Claire’s people refer to themselves as “teuchtery”… well, I don’t think the reviewer in question could have outed herself as a true troll and absolute moron any more if she tried.

How might this reviewer have transmitted her viewpoint without coming off as a complete douchebag?

Mac then proceeds to reconstruct (we can’t make this up) what she felt the review should have been. Anyone got a facepalm gif handy?

“I like that you’re writing a Scottish Edward.  I live in Scotland, though, and your portrayal of the accent doesn’t seem quite right.  To my ear, the accent appears too heavy and the slang is wrong for a person of that age group.  Perhaps you might add an additional Scottish person to join your prereading team to offer a second opinion – I would be happy to step in if you’re interested.  You may also want to consider rewording your description of blood pudding.  It doesn’t seem very sausage-like to me – it’s not quite as firm and meaty. Thanks for putting so much effort into your fic!” It gets the point across, offers solutions, and doesn’t imply the reviewer is schmuck.

We’d point out that instead of looking like a schmuck, now it just looks like the reader has her tongue glued to your anus, just the way you like, but we won’t. You’d probably make an example out of us too.

Twank Roundup:

Blog Post: Contests are unfair and only the popular girls win (Even though she only made the blog post to announce she’s placed in one)

Blog Post: Teaching the world about the evils of homophones (You can leave links to any homophone errors present in her fics in the comments… we don’t read…)

Blog Post: Tax deductions for fic research (Just no)

Blog Post: Your BDSM fic is boring and only popular because it’s trendy (Not that we disagree, but her fic list isn’t exactly screaming INTRIGUE)

Blog Post: Just everything.

Profile Page: “Thinking about leaving negative feedback? Consider whether your review is constructive or abusive. My policy is to ban anyone who leaves abusive criticism and make fun of them publicly for being a douchebag.” (Should we remind you what she considers “abusive”?)

We didn’t look at her Twitter, but we ‘magine it goes something like:

*SELF-IMPORTANCE* *SELF-IMPORTANCE* *SELF-IMPORTANCE*

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SnowqueenIcedragon’s stans made her this tribute website for MotU’s 1 year anniversary.

Master of the Universe has become the biggest thing the fandom has seen in terms of reviews, fan reaction and outside interest. In some cases this story has been life changing for the readers. It has definitely been life changing for it’s author. Who knew that this little fanfiction story would be MORE.

Idek. We’ll let the twankas handle that one.

Now SebastienRobichaud’s stans are doing something similar. From an email sent to every member of his FGB team:

Good day to you all.
You may be wondering why you’re receiving this email.
Well, SR is currently writing the FGB outtakes you have been waiting for. So I wanted to let you all know that they are not far away. Please keep an eye on your spam folders for the next little while.
The other reason you are receiving this is because fans of SR have decided to put together a tribute site for him for the completion of “The University of Edward Masen”. Our dear author has had a lot of life changing moments while he has been writing this story and many of us are thankful for being able to read it.
If you wish to let him know what this story has meant to you then you can do so by clicking this link and writing him a message.
Only Sebastien Robichaud, myself and my techie Hoot will ever see what is written. This will be turned into a private letter and sent to SR.
You are under no obligation to do this but we wanted to give you this opportunity.
With sincere gratitude,

Squally & Hoot x

Okay, we’re bored with the Icy/SR reader twank now. They’ll never be not-twanky. Unless something is particularly appalling, we’ll no longer be twanking the MotU/UoEM stans with new posts. We’ll just ETA this one. You probably won’t see anything more on the authors either, until they decide to publish.

Lets move it along.

ETA1: MotU stans roleplay the fic into a “show.”

From this amazingly scary website:

ANNOUNCEMENT

Due to recent circumstances, chat will NO LONGER be held in Edward’s apartment. Instead, we shall be meeting in the downstairs cigar room of Escala. When entering the building, turn right off the main lobby to find the cigar room. Thank you for your cooperation.

THE SHOW STARTED MONDAY AUGUST 9 @ 8 PM FORKS

PLEASE FOLLOW ALL CHARACTERS to Follow along.

With Permission from Icy herself we are acting out SnowQueens IceDragon’s Master Of the Universe here and out on twitter

Follow us @FiftyShadesEd and @Ms_IsabellaSwan.

We Started at chapter one and will continue to move thru to the end 87 89 endless chapters and the 50 Shades of Mr Edward Cullen. Please join us on this journey of making Mr Cullen and Ms Swan a reality. Spread the word and join the site for chats and discussions about MotU as well as interact with Mr Cullen and Isabella and the rest of the cast.

This site is for 18 and over only due to extreme language and explicit sex and because Edward Cullen is 50 Shades of Fucked up.

We run the story one chapter at a time for 1-1.5 hours each night
Starting at 8pm Seattle time.

They even got a fucking twibbon for this crap. That thing people on Twitter do to support a cause, like breast cancer, or feeding the hungry, or stopping hate and bigotry. They have a twibbon for the “Bunker Babes” too.

We can’t.

Then, the application to “become” a character includes questions like:

Do you understand we will be acting out line by line the Queen’s story first in MSN and then moving it to twitter?

And

Mr Cullen’s NDA states nothing that happens in MSN can be discussed outside of our Behind the Scenes Conversations. Also that you fully understand and agree to all the terms listed on this app? If you are found to be in violation of the NDA depending on the severity of the offence you may have your role taken from you. Do you Agree if you become an Official MotU character you will abide by the NDA?

ETA2: Love comes in spurts (little spurts):

Tribute to “Master Of The Universe (by Snowqueens Icedragon)”
Song written and performed by Betti Gefecht
Mp3 download at http://bettis-art-house.blogspot.com

Lyrics:

Quick to be angered
Hard to please
Hot and cold and bittersweet
Everything about him
Makes me weak in the knees
And yet I’m still on my feet
Cuz when he shifts his way
From bright to moody
It’s just one of the fifty shades
Of his Beauty

Some call him master
Some call him a mess
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes I want it faster
Sometimes I want less
Love comes in spurts (little spurts)
Because the gift he
Makes me
Is a treasure
He gives me fifty shades
Of pleasure

Doubt swiftly fades
Here’s my confession:
(Goddess to god, inner goddess calling)
I crave his fifty shades
Of love and passion

Fifty shades of love…

.


You haven’t been creeped out enough today. Look what Nonnie’s sent us!

What the hell is RobManiPorn?

Well, isn’t it obvious? It’s manipulated Robporn. His head, on hot bodies. Can it get any better?

CaroSlickLips finds the goods, and Lindz does the manip’in. It’s a match made in Robporn heaven.

So tune in for your daily dose of Robmaniporn. You will not leave disappointed….or with a dry pair of panties. ;o)

There’s this message on the bottom of the blog:

Like these manis? Want to use them for fanart or banners?

Simply ask and we will provide you with un-watermarked pictures. Just let us know the date and name of the mani you are interested in. robmaniporn@yahoo.com

We do ask for a favor, though. Credit the blog, please. Wherever you do decide to post your banner or fanart, we’d appreciate a mention.

Also, we apologize, but we cannot provide unmarked pictures for personal purposes like wallpapers or avatars. Sorry.

Naturally, we wanted to get access to a few and make them into personal avatars and wallpapers (and distribute freely!), but then saw what happens when a robmaniporn flutters out into the interweb without permission. I wonder if they realize these can’t be copyrighted? We also wish Rob pursued more legal suits. *f*

Click READ MORE for some samples and prepare to vomit be dazzled.

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(more…)


Twank happens in the UoEM thread, Nonnies flood our inbox, we sift through it to find the lulz.

The general tl;dr gist of this is:

  • SR makes a few brief posts (he’s been MIA for a long while) that have something to do with spreading goodness and charity. Got a lot of people to volunteer to do all the work. Denounced all the negativity rippling through fandom. Suggests he not be terribly closely tied to the fundraiser, as blind hatred for his name alone will sully it. Made no mention of UoEM specifically.
  • Maybebymonday decides, since SR is around, it might be a good time to finally get an answer as to why he pulled the story.
  • Isabeausink replies begging The Muses to ignore MBM, laces her post with the most pretentious/condescending vernacular to ever grace Twilighted.
  • After the thread diligently ignores MBM for a dozen or more posts, MBM replies to Isa that she only needs SR to reply, anyway.
  • Mostly A Lurker replies to MBM, explaining that it is an open forum, so she is inviting response from anyone except when the thread is told to ignore her. Maybe she should visit SR’s official website?
  • MBM replies stating that she is only interested in a response from SR, but given the mystery surrounding the story’s disappearance, it seems valid to post it in a public forum where others might also have questions.
  • Zoe123 pops in with a big GUUURRLLLL OH NO YOU DI-IN’T since MBM referred to SR as a “she.”  Also this overdramatic nonsense: “who are you to ask with such a sinister attitude against him and all of us
  • Chriserlyn makes a post suggesting that there is a conspiracy! MBM is trying to provoke The Muses so as to gain merit to report false accusations to the mods.
  • boricua_smv: “Wise words, my dear Gardenia. Sloretinis anyone?
  • More general agreement
  • MBM is all “WTF?”
  • HNWhitlock200 makes EMPHATIC ALL CAPS REPLY IN TEAL: “SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” MBM has clearly ruined her entire day.
  • Morgan Locklear: “First, let’s not pretend that MBM ‘s question isn’t valid. But her problem is that she’s rude, plain and simple, she’s been chasing budding posters off this thread for ages, (even a mostly blind lurker can see that.)How insulting to think that SR wouldn’t answer all our questions when he can.” Only he hasn’t. “Madam, you are surprisingly aggressive for someone who is attached to a non bullying campaign starting today.” She then tells MBM how to properly make an inquiry to our dear, fragile SR.
  • General agreement with Morgan in the form of “POSITIVITY ONLY DAY!” and “YOU HAVE BALLS, LIKE SR!” and “YOU WERE SO MUCH NICER THAN I WOULD HAVE BEEN!”
  • *MOB MENTALITY* *MOB MENTALITY* *MOB MENTALITY*
  • MBM is all “Oh, so this is why no one likes you people.”
  • WritingBabe makes a particularly lulzy teal deer post in which she recounts a story of being bullied as a child and likens MBM’s antics to that of her oldendays aggressors. “MBM, you may feel a victim, but you’re behaving like an aggressor. and your persistence leads me to tell you that you are on a destructive path. Destructive to others, but also destructive to yourself. Even if you relish the idea of hurting people you believe have somehow wronged you, you are setting patterns of behavior that will never help you thrive.
  • *SYMPATHY* *SYMPATHY* *SYMPATHY* WE WERE BULLIED, TOO!
  • Morgan Locklear: “If you would like to avoid further embarrassment at having your flimsy posts dismantled you may address me privately. But since it is the attention you seek, I won’t hold my breath.
  • MariaVisconti: “SR, thank you for your leadership. You’ve set a precedent on how to address negativity and hatred…. Do something Good! We may not be able to control all the evil in the world but we can , by helping others, stop our hearts from becoming hard, closed off, bitter, and most terrifying….faithless.
  • Twankhard reminds you that SR has made no appearance since MBM’s post.
  • Strange thread-wide “Book Club Meeting” in which they compare UoEM to the classic Jane Eyre.
  • Charlotte Bronte rolls over in her grave.
  • Morgan Locklear: “Jane Eyre, chapter 4, “November, December, and half of January passed away.” Anyone else think of New Moon?
  • Charlotte Bronte rolls over in her grave again.
  • Monamour finally clears up the charity thing: “SR and others are putting together an outtake book raising money for charity in Trayce’s honor as a show of the goodness in the fandom.
  • Twilighted Mod finally comes on to remind them that SR rules even Twilighted with his ginormous group of followers who give them traffic to be nice.

We’d like to point out that we’ve seen far worse mob mentality on Twilighted. On this specific thread even. As notorious as the mob mentality is around there, and since MBM has experienced it first hand herself, we can’t really argue that she didn’t make the post expecting a reaction and hoping it’d be worse.

But it is lulzy, if not for the Jane Eyre comparisons alone.

All the posts are hidden from font page. Click to read them in all their teal deer glory.

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(more…)


By popular demand in Johnny’s thread (*irony*), we present to you…

The Fic Bridge: Big Name Author Love

Today, we are being positive about Big Name Authors. Why? Because chances are they have felt the heat of hate. They are easy targets and usually are tough to get a rise out of.

Instead of reacting, more often than not, a BNA will power through and keep writing for the readers that are enjoying their stories. Chances are, they jump at the opportunity to participate in charities and pimp other author’s stories.

When I was starting out, I had friendly, sweet help from quite a few well known authors. They answered questions, gave me the time of day, and continued to talk to me even though I am such a disgusting thing on Twitter.

They have set precedents for up and coming authors.

So today, big name authors get a little love.

We were going to make a day where we could just appreciate all authors equally, but the BNAs with 30,000 reviews just don’t get enough support! SR and SnowqueenSomething don’t have even have BIG NAME READERS to write creepy RPFs about them and their genitalia versions of Edward. Hurry! Let’s make them feel fellated and appreciated!

squalloogal wrote: I have turned off PM’s for the time being.

To those who had sent messages – Please wait on word from SR. I don’t know anything helpful to you. If you have copies of UoEM I don’t want them. I don’t want to know and I wish to remind everyone that “University of Edward Masen” is owned and written by the author going by the penname Sebastien Robichaud.

DO NOT DISTRIBUTE COPIES – this is theft.

DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT – I will just swear and call you a FUCKER.

That is all.

***********

Urgh I hate these kinds of posts.

So to cleans the palet…

Something lazy with hopefully some laughs and Something to SAY.

*********

A/N
I do not own Twilight; The University of Edward Masen; Master of the Universe or any other fanfiction stories or characters you may find within.
I am however blessed to call these Authors Friends. So I am not fazed.
Special thanks go to my beloved Beta Jenn who helped make this garbage readable.
This is the tale of a love story across the forums and through the pages of Twilight fanfiction
Above is just a sampling of the love we have shared with our lead characters Snowqueens Icedragon (Icy) and Sebastien Robichaud (SR)
I mean no disrespect. This is an act of love and the usual Squally fuckery.
In Lieu of an awe inspiring update of UoEM and MotU we have in its stead…. this.
Enjoy!

::SRICY a Love Story

Back in the age when fanfic was king there lived a mousy man named Sebastien. He was friends with a dragon called Falcor and a mean but sexy bloke called Sinward.

Sinward was of the tribe of WARDS, of which there were many. All the Wards were hunky, but some of them could kick your ass. Even though Sinward was a fierce guy he was very loyal and a great friend and ally of Sebastien’s.

Sebastien haled from the small village of Uni. Its nearest neighbor was a strange and mysterious place called Bunker. Sebastien heard tales of a beautiful and sassy maiden living in the land of Bunker and chose one day to visit.

As he entered into its royal courts he met a strange and exotic fellow by the name of Fifty. Sebastien thought it such a strange name for a fellow to bear, but said nothing of it. Fifty kind of gave him the creeps.

“What are you doing here? What do you want?” Fifty glared at young Sebastien and made him stutter.

“Um..I um, I’m loo look looking for the beautiful maiden of Bunker.”

“You can’t have her. Be gone you craven little man,” Fifty bellowed. “Even if you could find her, she’d have nothing to do with you. Look at you. ” Fifty stared at Sebastien and as he did he began to chuckle.

“Actually do you know what? I WILL tell you where to find our beauty Icy. She can be found in the midst of Bunker near the fountain of OB.” Fifty laughed harder believing Sebastien to be no threat to his manhood and let him on his way.

Our poor hero was so shaken by his encounter with the domineering Fifty that he looked behind him and pondered on whether he should go back to whence he had come. He was such a brave little Uniman though that with a deep breath he took hold of himself and marched into Bunker with focus.

In the belly of Bunker there could be heard such merriment. Many brazen and barely clothed women were drinking and talking about all manner of unmentionable things. Sebastien looked on in shock.

Who are these women? he thought to himself wondering how such creatures were allowed to mingle in polite society. Yet there in the midst he noticed a flash of long brown locks and the glimpse of a svelte figure.

That was her – he knew it. The beauty. The beauty of Bunker.

Never had he felt so thrilled and so terrified as he did in that moment. Icy, the beauty, turned around in the gaggle of woman and faced in his direction. She was heart stoppingly attractive. All Sebastien’s senses left him and he found his feet leading him closer to her.

When he was but a hares breath away from her he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. She had stolen his very breath with her enchanting whiles. The words of Fifty began to play over in his head. He heard again the laughter of the domineering man echoing through his soul.

Sebastien feeling defeat without saying a single word dropped his head and began to move away. How could a man like him be enough for such a goddess as Icy?

Just as he began to turn to leave her presence he felt her hand gently and tenderly take his. Sebastien looked up into the deep pools of chocolate that seemed to be reaching his very soul.

Icy smiled. “Hello,” she said quietly.

“Hello.” Sebastien being a man of great breeding never forgot his manners, regardless of the situation and circumstance, and began to introduce himself.

“I am Sebastien Robichaud of the land of Uni. You must be Icy of Bunker.”

“What makes you say so?” Icy looked upon him in kindness

“Well, you are the most beautiful lady I have ever set eyes upon” Sebastien blushed at his own bluntness. His face looked like an overcooked lobster. That blood red blush only made Icy’s smile grow. She had never encountered a soul, male or female, that had such little guile. Her heart began to soften greatly towards him.

All at once the gaggling girls surrounding them began to scream and swoon. Both Icy and Sebastien looked around. They had been lost in their not so private moment and were now aware that all the women seemed to be about to pass out. Sebastien looked for the cause of the ruckus when he noticed Fifty approaching him at great speed.

“Step away from her worm. She is mine.”

Icy’s nostrils flared. “I belong to no-one Fifty. How many times must I explain this to you? Just because I spend my weeks with your words and endless stories in my head does NOT make me yours.”

Fifty huffed.

Unbeknownst to Sebastien his good friend Sinward had been worried about his little chum Sebastien and followed him into the land of Bunker, if at a distance. As he came upon the scene in front of him he growled in righteous indignation. How dare this ‘Fifty’ speak to his friend that way.

That was it. He was taking up arms and going to battle. He charged into the throng of gaggling women who, by the way, were fainting and creaming themselves at his very presence and shoved Fifty.

“Back off you overgrown whipping boy,” Sinward huffed.

Fifty was having none of that and began throwing sex toys at Sinward. It was turning into an all out brawl on a scale no fairytale has ever been witness to.

Butt plugs and ben wah balls covered the ground. Sinward had a lovely bullet shaped mark on his forehead that was turning purple at speed while he was trying to strangle Fifty with his bow tie.

Bored of the commotion around them, and while all the woman had taken up various locations and positions sprawled out pleasuring themselves watching the events take place, both Sebastien and Icy snuck away to a quiet place.

They fell in love over time and settled down in the land of Gchat where they whiled away their days playing in Sebastien’s PJ collection and Icy’s bottom drawer.

The land of Fanfinction would always rejoice to have been witness to such awesome fuckery and such passionate love.

THE END {or is it?

This doesn’t have 5 more chapters and videos to go with it. How will all these BNAs know you love them, unless you profess it? Frequently?

What’s this?

You only have 200 reviews?

No one gives a shit about you.

Now, go find someone who’s actually important and tell them how they are LYKE OMG SO AWESUM!

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Daniellier123 actually twanked herself, something all of us here found adorable, if not terribly self-serving.

I would like to report myself. 9 out of 10 times a day, I twank, wank, whatever you call it. Let’s put it simply, I act like a cunt.

I want to get this cunt-like weight off my chest and confess to you now.

I have made fun of the following fics and authors:

AngstGoddess, but she started it.

Just Wait, including writing out a note on my FB, dedicated to my own fake version of this stories fake ending. I just needed it to die so badly. Sorry.

Hunter Hunting & her damn story. Okay, *both* of them.

Feathersmmm and her Banger Nation, where apparently, no banging actually happens. Not even after 9 months.

I might have called them cunts. I might have called their readers/followers/creepy fans: flap-lickers and/or flap-suckle..ers. When someone noted they should be fucked up their arse with a rusty cucumber (or something) I laughed. Really, really hard.

*hangs head in shame*

I make no real apologies, as I believe all my twank/wank was justified, but hey, I just figured I’d own up to it. Plus, I’m kind of bored.

Anyhow…thanks for letting me show what a douchewaffle I am.

Appreciate it.

We passed all that up, because it’s not really funny to see someone so in love themselves, they scream at every newest thing I AM VERY RELEVANT TO ALL OF THIS!

(Or maybe it is.)

But then Nonnie Mouse pointed out a few fine items that Danieller failed to include in her self-twank report. We figure she didn’t include them for a reason, and we’re hoping it’s because she’s too ashamed to cop to them, though we also know it’s possible she sees nothing wrong with the below.

For those who may be unfamiliar to the long string of wanks of one Danieller123, she wrote The Workshop of Edible Delights and Under the Apple Tree (and other stuff no one cares about). These stories started out on fanfiction.net, but were later moved because, as the author explains, they were in violation of the fanfiction.net TOS.

This wouldn’t have been wank if she hadn’t sprinkled these “blogs” she forced (if they wanted to keep reading, anyway) her readers to visit with various advertisements of merchandise from her own fanfiction.

Hey, since you’re reading my story and love me and my self-proclaimed cuntiness so much, buy this shirt!

You get the idea.

This is the disclaimer from her Workshop blog:

But we couldn’t find anything on her SUPER PIMP ZAZZLE STORE stating that the proceeds go to charity, etc etc etc (like you’d find at myTspot’s Zazzle, though we’re still weighing how twanky that is. At least their hearts aren’t in their own pocketbooks? Ehhh, we’ll see.). So it’s safe to assume that the profit is going straight to Danieller. And since she’s only making profit because the fanfiction has readers, and since the fanfiction only has readers because it’s fanfiction, and since it’s only fanfiction because it has Twilight characters, then… profit is made off her fanfiction. Which is not illegal at all.

The other part of the Nonnie submitted twank was Danieller’s flaming insensitivity when approached about a quote from one of her fanfickshuns, that went something like, “being tighter than a Jew with a one dollar bill.”

Some people I follow on Twitter were upset about it and emailed her. She showed no concern that she offended anyone. She fucking laughed at them.

We didn’t really expect any other reaction, and we anticipate that she’ll enjoy the attention from being twanked very much, but since all of us here hate bigotry like no other, we figured we could save her the self-twank report and send her a big dose of  FUCK YOU.

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(Really, we’re trying to do more general Twilight Fandom crap, but this whole publishing phenomenon has spread worse than a case of herpes, and the hypocrisy is a lollercoaster of amazing.)

This all starts out with a thorough Nonnie Mouse. She sent us a twank on someone else, but we don’t have enough lulz for that yet, so we’re twanking her second suggestion, because Twanker in question just gives us so much material.

We’ll start with the A/N, because doesn’t everything?

5.21.10 I’m posting this here as well, since there have been several people who started the story after the fact, and have sent hateful reviews. After an agonizing process, I made the decision to pull NYA from FFN and Twilighted, because I want to try to publish it. I’ve been told by many with experience that this is the first step, and it should have been done long before now, but I chose to allow my readers to finish the story. I’m really sorry you missed out, but I’ve worked hard to help out those who were in the middle of the story. If you just found it today, please don’t send me hateful reviews. Thanks.

DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns any and all things Twilight. The plot belongs to me!

That’s a lot of self-importance, allow us to translate:

*BAWWW BAD REVIEW*

*I’M GOING TO BE LYKE A REEL ARTHUR OMG!*

*MY REVIEWERS TOLD ME I WAS LYKE SO AWESUM*

*STOP HAVING OPINIONS BAWWW*

*MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT*

One wanky A/N for all that wasn’t enough. She added another to the bottom a month or so later.

AN: 7.5.10 A new note thanks to all the messages – some not very kind.

First off, this story was completed on May 2, two months ago. I waited until the reviews had all but stopped coming in before I pulled, and that was on May 21st. I knew there were a few still reading, so I created a temporary, private Live Journal account for those people to finish it. That account was left open for over a month, and I’ve only recently taken it down. Of course, it turns out there were over 100 people still reading, many of whom had never reviewed. It’s very difficult to know who is still following your story when they aren’t telling you about it.

I understand readers frustration with authors pulling, but please don’t take it out on me. I feel I’ve done more than most authors who pull their stories. Some have asked why I even bothered to post this story here if I was going to pull it. The reason is because when I began writing NYA, I had NO idea I would try to publish. I was simply enjoying FF at the time, and wanted to get back into writing because it’s always been something I enjoyed. I didn’t realize until about halfway through that it had the potential (and I’m still not sure it does) and even then it took me quite a while to get the guts to do it. It’s not an easy decision for a writer, and it’s never black and white. I will say that I was advised by several people to pull the story well before it was finished if I had intentions of publishing, but I didn’t want to do that to my readers.

I feel I’ve done the best I could, and at the end of the day, this is my story, and something I need to do for myself.

Secondly, if you’re going to leave an unsigned review with a nasty remark about a story that’s been published for a while, be sure to spell disappointed correctly.

That’s a lot of inaccuracy and reviewer bashing, allow us to translate:

*BAWWW BAD REVIEW*

*BAWWW YOU DIDN’T REVIEW*

*PUBLISHING FANFICKSUN IS SO HARD *

*MY REVIEWERS TOLD ME I WAS LYKE SO AWESUM*

*MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT*

*REVIEWER BASHING* *REVIEWER BASHING* *REVIEWER BASHING*

We don’t want to beat any decaying equine-centric corpses, but if we did, we’d probably just link these again. But then again, we wouldn’t even have to, because the author, EBalways, has already read our blog. We bet that went well!

Just to show we twank all sides, all the time, EBalways had a few laughs over the RPL twank.

But then, we guess she caught of wind our whole stealing is stealing, even when you’re stealing by means of publishing fanfiction theme.

Then, we guess she caught wind of our whole links with facts which prove you can’t publish fanfiction thing.

And we weren’t really funny anymore.

='(

So she’s going to ignore the law opinions of others, because it can’t just be that she might be wrong. No. The entirety of fandom and copyright law must be wrong (unless we’re mocking other plagiarists). JUST LOOK AT RUSSET NOON!

Right.

To tie it all in a bow, she even has a blog, where she documents the long, windy path she must endure to search/replace the names and places edit the plagiarism story into a marketable masterpiece. This same blog boasts the twanktastic long-winded self discussion about her own stories, constructed criticism vs nitpicking/bawwww, and of course, the popular girls of fandom whose ginormous EGOS are holding us all down rant.

That sounds fun! Let’s quote this one!

Egos seem to flare when a fic becomes uber popular, and everyone in the fandom is flailing over the writer. I don’t get it; you just wrote a story using someone elses characters. You didn’t create world peace or solve the homeless problem. You wrote story that’s easy to read and loaded with sex. Good on you…

Which is definitely not the same as posting fanfiction without the intention of publishing, but then pulling it and attempting to do so once it’s gotten 5,800 reviews. Uh huh.

…I’ll complain about readers, too.

We never saw that coming.

I’ve not had too much of a problem as far as pulling NYA, but I’ve seen sites discussing how wrong it is to pull fan fiction and try to turn it into original work. Really? Why? Because you can’t read it for free?

Well… we we’re going to say because it’s unethical and not legal, but that’s about the same thing, in a roundabout way.

I’m sure only about 1% of the fics that get pulled for publishing go anywhere, but the people complaining about it don’t seem to realize what it takes to write a story.

Hey now. That offends us. We can make grammatically incorrect porn with “Edward/Bella” names too. That’s how SM got started, you know. She posted Twilight online first to use someone else’s audience as a guinea pig too. We all know what it takes to write a real story here.

ETA: FLOUNCITY FLOUNCE FLOUNCE

From her FFn profile

Due to unforeseen issues, I have to leave the Twific community. Thanks to all who have supported me throughout my experience, and I’m truly sorry to all those reading. I don’t like disappointing anyone. There is so much going on in my life, and I’m just not able to keep up with fan fiction any more. This was a tough decision, and I ultimately had to decide what was best for myself. Take care, and please remember to have fun with fan fic. That was the intent all along.

She buhleted her Blogger, took her ball and went home. Never mind that she promised all the readers she was complaining about that she would definitely complete The Hostage and not pull it.

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Long ago, in a land far, far away, there existed an artist. Not the kind who makes something based off someone elses work and calls it a literary masterpiece. One who actually made his living off of the work he produced. He went to school for it, studied hard, and probably went through all the rigmarole any professional artist must face. His product bought his food and clothed him, paid his mortgage, and for all we know, fed his puppies (good god, think of the puppies!).

In this same, odd land known as Real Life, there also exists evil hackers who will stop at nothing to invade this photographer’s privacy and gain access to his highly coveted masterpieces, sell them to the highest bidder, and essentially rob (we heart puns) him of whatever monetary gain he could have made off the photos.

In this case, said photographer Stuart Shining is (supposedly) a bad ass muthafucka who will C&D your ass so fast, you won’t even get a chance to fap to Rob’s bouffant your head will spin. In fact, he apparently did so earlier last year when some of these popular photos were leaked.

Fast forward a bit, and it’s revealed that PattinsonLife/RPL has possession of, and has posted those pictures illegally onto their site(s). Someone speaks up, cue C&D, LiveJournal steps in and takes action, RPL owner/administrator Mandy/Brandnewluv‘s account gets suspended, and the photos get removed.

You’d probably think, “Oh well, yeah, that sucks. Who gives a crap?”

Wait for it….

One could argue that it wasn’t well-known to RPL that C&D letters had been sent already around to other sites possessing the same photos. One could argue that, even though it is well known in the fandom that Delaney84 is already in a legal case with Summit for posting photos from the Eclipse film without permission, and that even though RPL had already dodged the massive bullet that was being included in the same suit, that sometimes, ignorance/accidents/mistakes/drunkeness just happens.

They didn’t know!

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===

===

 

Oooookay, they did suspect something, else this totally random tweet would have never made it onto the web-o-sphere. But it’s not like they all freaked out and irrationally incited a mob against the Meanie McMeanpants who brought the stolen pictures to the higher powers’ attention instead of just owning up to making a dumb mistake or anything. Right?

(right?)

We can’t disagree with you there.

But this is just jittzpattzing who we’d love to insult but her emotional instability and disturbingly effective stalking abilities frighten us greatly. It’s not like the admins of RPL would make entire blog posts playing the victim when, in fact, they knew all along their actions were likely shady and not entirely legal, and there is clear proof to that fact. Right?

(right?)

That livejournal account was deleted because someone reported a few pictures (I don’t know which pictures, since everything was deleted) and I really can’t understand why. I’m sure everyone enjoyed them when they were posted, but the hate around here made a person, that probably saved the photo, file a complaint. When something that it was supposed to be fun starts being the reason I’m stressing all the time, I guess it’s time to stop;

Give us something to work with here! Okay. Okay. The people responsible aren’t taking responsibility. You’re entitled, we get it. We’ve seen that a lot. Whatever. But it’s not like anyone actually bought into this crap. Not when there’s PROOF existing, so readily available (it took me two minutes to search this crap out, really) that RPL knew what they were doing and we’re only sorry they got tattled on. It just wouldn’t go down like that, right?

(right?)

dorym said…That mean spirited person is asking for trouble from the universe for putting out such a negative and dishonorable energy which has caused unhappiness for so many fans.

maria2386 said…I miss the old days and agree totally – the bitchiness and nastiness that is apparent in this fandom is absolutely ridiculous. It’s SHOULD be all about sharing and celebrating Rob’s brilliance

*takes memo we never got*

rpattzgirl survived Rob! said…I don’t understand how this could happen, or what lead to it… It’s disgusting, and frankly scary as shit that haters have this much power…

itsyblue said…I am sure Rob would be very disappointed, this is exactly what he meant when he said “little nerds that hide behind their blogs”

*more memos*

papagáj said…What happened is the highest form of human depravity and rudeness. I loathe them. They are not worthy to call them human beings. This is what feeds them is our grief and anger, and note that even they do not deserve, so we must remain strong, maybe in another community.

CullenGal09 said…The fact that such hatred and petty nonsense has caused you to resort to this upsets me greatly, but I also understand totally.

Aeren said…I.m Cryinng Now, I.m a mother a wife, A Rob Fan and I cant understand all this madness.. Think about your followers, affiliates, I Love you…ah Bad day

Engen said…This is so sad! 😦 I really enjoyed reading this blog. So now I’m so angry at the people who reported it!!!

amfipolos said…I guess people with absolutely no lives but with extensive hate over anyone who’s happy, creative and devoted have won once again… I agree with you, you have to do what you have to do when you feel you don’t want to put up with the shit anymore.

Nicole said…The same thing that is happening to you is happening in the fanfiction writing community where UoEM and some other stories were taken down. There is just so much hate and grown women acting like complete idiots. I’m sure you did nothing wrong.

Oh, Nicole. Read above. And then below.

♪♫ Yaelfica ♪♫ said…MANDY i don’t fully understand what happened

Psssst. That’s because she didn’t fully tell you what happened.

skorobeu said…OMG!!!NOOOO!!!I am so sad.its disgasting!!!

papagáj said…KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA KAR-MA

(right…)

We’re hoping that Livejournal will listen and reinstate her account. But this post is mainly to support her and PL. All of us ToR girls love you guys and are behind you 100%. We just wanted to let you guys know that. Don’t give up, we’re right behind you.

ETA: And to all of you haters, you don’t know how much work goes into these sites. Stop your pathetic moaning, bitching & ranting. If you’re not happy then go somewhere else. You don’t have to spew your hate all over the place or better yet why don’t you get a life or create your own freaking site and see how much time and energy it takes you and then maybe you can come back to whine. This fandom went from being a fun place to be to trying to blog in hell. Keep it up and you’ll be losing all the major sources.

No love,

FP

ETA1: COME BACK, RPLIFE!

http://comebackrplife.wordpress.com/

Mandy permalink I have no words. I could barely read all comments because my tears are blinding me…. But I know that in the end you still will be there, even if I’m not RPLife anymore, just Mandy. That’s what I’m trying to be now, just Mandy.

ETA2: WHY DOES LJ HATE MEEEEEEEE?! *VIOLINS*

Mandy made some new LJ accounts, because when the admins tell her “We’re just not that into you” she hears “Blah blah blah.”

Mandy’s locked Twitter; a creative reenactment:

My new LJ is justgoogle.

WHY DID THEY SUSPEND THE NEW ACCOUNT, I AM INNOCENT! THE WORLD HATES ME, WHYYY. THEY DELETED IT. I AM HATED. BAWWW WEEP GOD NOOOO

LJ replied and said they wouldn’t unsuspend my accounts

ARE THESE GUYS SERIOUS? *LINKS TWANKHARD R.I.P R.P.L BLOG*

This is why I’m quitting fandom. I’m so disgasted!!! disgusted.

This is all because of THEM.

Oh Mandy. *Resist the Manilow. RESIST IT!* We’re not out to get you. We don’t even really know you, and you fap to Rob, so you’re naturally off our radar. But wow. A lot of other people?

15 twank submissions in one day don’t lie.

ETA3: No really. WE ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Yeah, we have no idea. It’s not like she made a post saying it was or anything.

ETA4: “With each good soul, each blog removed due to the actions of such spawns of satan is a win for evil.

http://thinkingofrob.com/2010/09/29/taking-a-short-break/

Hi guys,

ToR is tak­ing a short break. We’ve seen so much hate over the past few days that we need to step back.

We’ll see you soon.

Lots of love,

FP

ETA5: HAHAHA JUST JOKINGGGGGG

They flounced the flounce. (Link to ToR post above is gone. We cry)

ETA6: JUST JOKING ABOUT JOKING BUT ONLY A LITTLE

They flounced flouncing the flounce. Or one of them did, idek, but the quote below is pretty lulzy.

Robert is our tree, he grounds us, and we branch out from him in a way that we feel is respect­ful to him.

And all the manip artists smiled. (Then emailed them to us.)

Many efforts have been made to show human­ity and kind­ness on his behalf because we have seen the com­pas­sion in his soul and want to spread the same like­ness. We aspire to keep things uncom­pli­cated because we under­stand that Rob is a sim­ple man. Antag­o­nism and regres­sion is a way of life, unfortunately, but defeat is nonex­is­tent in our minds. Never Think.

You do that so well.

ETA7: THEY ARE INTERNET TERRORISTS

http://www.robstenlove.com/blog/2010/09/have-people-lost-their-minds.html

A beloved site, RPLife, was taken down in our fandom yesterday, and someone is to blame. Some little plotting group of wanna-be bullies. I wish I could say that this is all these bitches are, but they are in fact Internet Terrorists. Quietly plotting, gathering info, seeing where they can throw some ammo and hope they find a weak spot so the blast will leave a hole. You know what I want to refer to with my descriptions. You know where I’m going with this when I call them Internet Terrorists. And all of this was done in the name of what? Responsible journalism? Protecting private property? Puhleeze!

 

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