Archive for the ‘Review wank’ Category


Warning! This twank doesn’t come with brain bleach.

rubber-duckies-1234 has an interesting little story by the title of Daddy’s favourite girl, which features an incestuous/pedophilia/omgthisissogross mature relationship between Charlie and Bella. Our first instinct was to just run very far away, but others have been reporting this story to FFn for violation of the ToS.

But we can’t understand why they would. Like rubber-duckies says again and again:

I put up a warning that there was going to be incest. So please don’t review or if you don’t like it, or if your disgusted by it, I mean why review a story and tell me it’s sick. I know it’s sick and twisted but everyone has different opinion and there is a plot for this story.

Rated M for mature themes and incest.

You’ve all been warned! We don’t know about you, but whenever we see something offensive, disgusting,  repulsive, immoral, scary, etc and so on, we just ignore it. That’s why whenever we see suspicious men on playgrounds with their hands in their pants, we walk the other way instead of causing a scene, amirite?

A/N: No rude reviews please and vote on my poll!

The readers have been warned that the story is sick, twisted, and incestuous, and instructed to only leave nice reviews.

ENTER: THE RUDE REVIEWS!

Okay everyone, don’t be mad because I know that I promise there won’t be another AN. I have some bad news and good news.

Bad news:

People have been reporting this story saying it’s sick and disgusting. I put up a warning that there was going to be incest. So please don’t review or if you don’t like it, or if your disgusted by it, I mean why review a story and tell me it’s sick. I know it’s sick and twisted but everyone has different opinion. I don’t know if this story is going to be deleted or not.

And remember it is Fanfiction “Unleash you imagination.” That is the quote for the FF. Just saying.

She seems so familiar with Fanfiction.net’s slogan. We wish they’d add to that “…if you’ve read the ToS.” (Which she obviously hasn’t)

She also lists in her last chapter every (good) reviewer, story alerter, and story favorite’er, because that’s something everyone wants to be closely associated with.

Also an Evil Twin wank from her FFn profile, just because it made us lawl:

Sorry for those of you that gotten hate messages from me, I lent my brother my laptop and forgot to sign out of FF because I just made an account and my brother went on, so I am so sorry for the trouble I caused.

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Nonnie blesses our inbox with something truly twank worthy.

We’re not going to go into the specifics of what a good review is, but why would we, when mac214 has already done the homework for us? In her blog entry titled, The Lost Art of Constructive Criticism, mac teaches us what an acceptable review is. AND HER BLOG IS WEARING OUR DRESS, BUT ASIDE FROM THAT… According to her,

The art of constructive criticism seems to be lost on those in the fandom who consider themselves qualified enough to leave it. Most of the time it seems designed to make the writer feel like shit instead of genuinely helping them improve their writing.

This would seem to imply that not only is everyone not qualified enough to constructively criticize a Twilight Fanfiction, but also that most negative reviews (which are likely a generous 5% of all FFn reviews) are only being left to bring the author down.

re·view (r-vy)

v. re·viewed, re·view·ing, re·views
v.tr. 

1. To look over, study, or examine again.
2. To consider retrospectively; look back on.
3. To examine with an eye to criticism or correction: reviewed the research findings.
4. To write or give a critical report on (a new work or performance, for example).
5. Law To reexamine (an action or determination) judicially, especially in a higher court, in order to correct possible errors.
6. To subject to a formal inspection, especially a military inspection.
7. Given for the sole purpose of aiding the subject of said criticism to improve.

One could argue she was only referring to constructive criticism and not reviews as a whole. It’s not like she picked a negative review, threw it up on her blog, made an example out of a reader who was just leaving an honest and not at all hostile opinion, and then took it upon herself to correct them.

Or maybe she did.

Last night someone complained about the accent in Coming Through the Rye in a way that was less than constructive:

I’m sure you really won’t care about this review but I can’t believe you have someone Scottish helping with this dialect. You’re mixing different Scottish dialects throughout, also the only people who sound that broad are farmers and people over 70, and the glossary is hit or miss too. For a start “teucher” is absolutely not a highland term, it refers to people from NE Scotland. Black Pudding? NOTHING like a sausage, the texture/taste is so different that calling it this is ridiculous. As a Scot it pains me to see this as a representation of Scotland.

Combative. Rude. Arrogant. Did I miss anything?  I thanked the reviewer for her opinion, but shockingly this particular reviewer HAD to assure me of her superiority and correctness, which led to me letting out a tiny bit of snark.  I probably would have reined it in a bit if she’d just been insulting me (I’m certainly no expert at Scottish slang and accents), but she’s also insulting Claire, my prereader who lives in Glencoe, Scotland – and what kind of idiot implies I wouldn’t know a sausage if it bit me in the ass?  Not to mention, if you’re going to dispute the glossary definitions, be sure googling the term “teuchter” doesn’t immediately take you to page after page that defines it as a word referring to people in the Highlands. Considering Claire’s people refer to themselves as “teuchtery”… well, I don’t think the reviewer in question could have outed herself as a true troll and absolute moron any more if she tried.

How might this reviewer have transmitted her viewpoint without coming off as a complete douchebag?

Mac then proceeds to reconstruct (we can’t make this up) what she felt the review should have been. Anyone got a facepalm gif handy?

“I like that you’re writing a Scottish Edward.  I live in Scotland, though, and your portrayal of the accent doesn’t seem quite right.  To my ear, the accent appears too heavy and the slang is wrong for a person of that age group.  Perhaps you might add an additional Scottish person to join your prereading team to offer a second opinion – I would be happy to step in if you’re interested.  You may also want to consider rewording your description of blood pudding.  It doesn’t seem very sausage-like to me – it’s not quite as firm and meaty. Thanks for putting so much effort into your fic!” It gets the point across, offers solutions, and doesn’t imply the reviewer is schmuck.

We’d point out that instead of looking like a schmuck, now it just looks like the reader has her tongue glued to your anus, just the way you like, but we won’t. You’d probably make an example out of us too.

Twank Roundup:

Blog Post: Contests are unfair and only the popular girls win (Even though she only made the blog post to announce she’s placed in one)

Blog Post: Teaching the world about the evils of homophones (You can leave links to any homophone errors present in her fics in the comments… we don’t read…)

Blog Post: Tax deductions for fic research (Just no)

Blog Post: Your BDSM fic is boring and only popular because it’s trendy (Not that we disagree, but her fic list isn’t exactly screaming INTRIGUE)

Blog Post: Just everything.

Profile Page: “Thinking about leaving negative feedback? Consider whether your review is constructive or abusive. My policy is to ban anyone who leaves abusive criticism and make fun of them publicly for being a douchebag.” (Should we remind you what she considers “abusive”?)

We didn’t look at her Twitter, but we ‘magine it goes something like:

*SELF-IMPORTANCE* *SELF-IMPORTANCE* *SELF-IMPORTANCE*

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(Really, we’re trying to do more general Twilight Fandom crap, but this whole publishing phenomenon has spread worse than a case of herpes, and the hypocrisy is a lollercoaster of amazing.)

This all starts out with a thorough Nonnie Mouse. She sent us a twank on someone else, but we don’t have enough lulz for that yet, so we’re twanking her second suggestion, because Twanker in question just gives us so much material.

We’ll start with the A/N, because doesn’t everything?

5.21.10 I’m posting this here as well, since there have been several people who started the story after the fact, and have sent hateful reviews. After an agonizing process, I made the decision to pull NYA from FFN and Twilighted, because I want to try to publish it. I’ve been told by many with experience that this is the first step, and it should have been done long before now, but I chose to allow my readers to finish the story. I’m really sorry you missed out, but I’ve worked hard to help out those who were in the middle of the story. If you just found it today, please don’t send me hateful reviews. Thanks.

DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns any and all things Twilight. The plot belongs to me!

That’s a lot of self-importance, allow us to translate:

*BAWWW BAD REVIEW*

*I’M GOING TO BE LYKE A REEL ARTHUR OMG!*

*MY REVIEWERS TOLD ME I WAS LYKE SO AWESUM*

*STOP HAVING OPINIONS BAWWW*

*MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT*

One wanky A/N for all that wasn’t enough. She added another to the bottom a month or so later.

AN: 7.5.10 A new note thanks to all the messages – some not very kind.

First off, this story was completed on May 2, two months ago. I waited until the reviews had all but stopped coming in before I pulled, and that was on May 21st. I knew there were a few still reading, so I created a temporary, private Live Journal account for those people to finish it. That account was left open for over a month, and I’ve only recently taken it down. Of course, it turns out there were over 100 people still reading, many of whom had never reviewed. It’s very difficult to know who is still following your story when they aren’t telling you about it.

I understand readers frustration with authors pulling, but please don’t take it out on me. I feel I’ve done more than most authors who pull their stories. Some have asked why I even bothered to post this story here if I was going to pull it. The reason is because when I began writing NYA, I had NO idea I would try to publish. I was simply enjoying FF at the time, and wanted to get back into writing because it’s always been something I enjoyed. I didn’t realize until about halfway through that it had the potential (and I’m still not sure it does) and even then it took me quite a while to get the guts to do it. It’s not an easy decision for a writer, and it’s never black and white. I will say that I was advised by several people to pull the story well before it was finished if I had intentions of publishing, but I didn’t want to do that to my readers.

I feel I’ve done the best I could, and at the end of the day, this is my story, and something I need to do for myself.

Secondly, if you’re going to leave an unsigned review with a nasty remark about a story that’s been published for a while, be sure to spell disappointed correctly.

That’s a lot of inaccuracy and reviewer bashing, allow us to translate:

*BAWWW BAD REVIEW*

*BAWWW YOU DIDN’T REVIEW*

*PUBLISHING FANFICKSUN IS SO HARD *

*MY REVIEWERS TOLD ME I WAS LYKE SO AWESUM*

*MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT* *MISGUIDED OWNERSHIP ATTEMPT*

*REVIEWER BASHING* *REVIEWER BASHING* *REVIEWER BASHING*

We don’t want to beat any decaying equine-centric corpses, but if we did, we’d probably just link these again. But then again, we wouldn’t even have to, because the author, EBalways, has already read our blog. We bet that went well!

Just to show we twank all sides, all the time, EBalways had a few laughs over the RPL twank.

But then, we guess she caught of wind our whole stealing is stealing, even when you’re stealing by means of publishing fanfiction theme.

Then, we guess she caught wind of our whole links with facts which prove you can’t publish fanfiction thing.

And we weren’t really funny anymore.

='(

So she’s going to ignore the law opinions of others, because it can’t just be that she might be wrong. No. The entirety of fandom and copyright law must be wrong (unless we’re mocking other plagiarists). JUST LOOK AT RUSSET NOON!

Right.

To tie it all in a bow, she even has a blog, where she documents the long, windy path she must endure to search/replace the names and places edit the plagiarism story into a marketable masterpiece. This same blog boasts the twanktastic long-winded self discussion about her own stories, constructed criticism vs nitpicking/bawwww, and of course, the popular girls of fandom whose ginormous EGOS are holding us all down rant.

That sounds fun! Let’s quote this one!

Egos seem to flare when a fic becomes uber popular, and everyone in the fandom is flailing over the writer. I don’t get it; you just wrote a story using someone elses characters. You didn’t create world peace or solve the homeless problem. You wrote story that’s easy to read and loaded with sex. Good on you…

Which is definitely not the same as posting fanfiction without the intention of publishing, but then pulling it and attempting to do so once it’s gotten 5,800 reviews. Uh huh.

…I’ll complain about readers, too.

We never saw that coming.

I’ve not had too much of a problem as far as pulling NYA, but I’ve seen sites discussing how wrong it is to pull fan fiction and try to turn it into original work. Really? Why? Because you can’t read it for free?

Well… we we’re going to say because it’s unethical and not legal, but that’s about the same thing, in a roundabout way.

I’m sure only about 1% of the fics that get pulled for publishing go anywhere, but the people complaining about it don’t seem to realize what it takes to write a story.

Hey now. That offends us. We can make grammatically incorrect porn with “Edward/Bella” names too. That’s how SM got started, you know. She posted Twilight online first to use someone else’s audience as a guinea pig too. We all know what it takes to write a real story here.

ETA: FLOUNCITY FLOUNCE FLOUNCE

From her FFn profile

Due to unforeseen issues, I have to leave the Twific community. Thanks to all who have supported me throughout my experience, and I’m truly sorry to all those reading. I don’t like disappointing anyone. There is so much going on in my life, and I’m just not able to keep up with fan fiction any more. This was a tough decision, and I ultimately had to decide what was best for myself. Take care, and please remember to have fun with fan fic. That was the intent all along.

She buhleted her Blogger, took her ball and went home. Never mind that she promised all the readers she was complaining about that she would definitely complete The Hostage and not pull it.

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I think SR pulled a major twank by pulling the fic down between the final chapter and the epi. SR did it with NO explanation or even acknowledgment on the ffn profile or epi a/n, an acknowledgment but no explanation given at all as to why it was pulled down (minus a reference to disappointment about the bit torrent the week before) in the twilighted thread

Well if we can twank Olivia for it, then why not our good man-pal SR? At least Olivia fessed up and aired out her publishing-fantasies. SR would rather beat around that particular bush (you’re about as transparent as saran wrap, man) with a quite convenient (alleged) plagiary tantrum.

His Fanfiction.net profile reads like your usual spiel of self-importance:

No translations of UOEM have been authorized. No downloading, copying, reposting or distribution of this story have been authorized, either, regardless of the source.

As do his Author Notes:

Disclaimer: The characters of Twilight are owned by Stephenie Meyer. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story are owned by Sebastien Robichaud and copyrighted, as of 2009. Plagiarism is theft and is treated as such in many different countries. Translations of UOEM have not been authorized, nor has any downloading, copying, reposting on other websites or distribution of this story, regardless of the source.

And it wouldn’t be complete without his very own domain name, http://www.sebastienrobichaud.com/, and blog to further reach his masses. All of this screams “E-G-O” to us, but does it really come as a big surprise? Especially with such recent forum comments as these:

Laughs…while I have heard from him with reviews and Pm’s the only post he responded to from me here was recently when I posted my Twilight band-aids so it wasn’t actually to me…oh he did wish me a happy birthday in an AN and called me a “cherished reader” which made me melt, and I like how he calls us “miss”, muses, ladies and today Lovelies!

And don’t forget (as if she’d let you) that he has the fandom’s first and only Big Named Reader (yes, BNR, it exists now) on his team. Of course, you haven’t made it big in this fandom until squalloogal mortifies you showers you with redundantly fannish and blind praise. Every big author needs a sycophant cheerleader to build them mega-FGB teams and turn something like a humble charity into a laughable competition of Twilight fanfiction author egos. She’s flounced deleted that Twitter, so while we can’t provide the hilarity of screenshots for that particular twank, we’ll just leave you with this: the weird emotional devastation she displayed when being cyber-bullied during FGB on that same twitter account earlier this year:

I use to be a tough girl who could handle anything. Really sassy and brassy. After I was attacked that girl died. I no longer have the coping mechanisms to deal with this constant assault. I am sorry.

For those who have judged me.

I forgave those that changed my life that night. I live with those scars physically and emotionally everyday but I wish them NO ill will. I forgave them.

For those doing what your doing. I forgive you too but I just can’t cope.

We love a good, dramatic overreaction. Nonnie from earlier today said it best:

We can follow that up with the dramatic entrances and exits from Twi-World. She’s had more comings and goings than Paris and Lindsay combined.
The drama of ‘blocking’ and ‘unblocking’ twitter users, the big epic posts on the UoEM/MoTU forum about why she is leaving, the big epic posts from her supporters about why this is a disaster, the supporting posts from the writers about how terrible it is to lose someone like Squally.
Squally leaving the fandom for a few weeks is guaranteed to result in a few hundred posts on a Twilighted forum. It’s all about the drama.

But… moving on…

So while there are emotionally-unstable-fangirls aplenty just waiting for the moment to strike their mighty insanity down upon any who would cause their beloved Edward SR harm, we had to wonder. Is this guy for real? Not in a does he really have bits dangling between his legs kind of way, because we could really care less what his gender is. But really. Is he for real?

Did he really pull UoEM because of this whole bit torrent fiasco? Or is he just jerking his faithful readers along until it’s announced that he wants their money support in an upcoming publishing endeavor?

Since this can neither be confirmed or denied, we figured we’d just wait it out until something juicy and incriminating came along.

Enter, Nonnie.

Why do we love Nonnies? Because they can singlehandedly sift through the shit heap known as The University of Edward Masen by SebastienRobichaud’s Twilighted thread and come out with the best quotes. We’d do it ourselves, but we’re just too fond of our brain cells and individualism to plunder through 5,038 pages of blind admiration and borderline disturbing flirtation.

Posted by SebastienRobichaud on Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:03 pm

I’m afriad it’s inevitable. There’s almost no way to control who uploads the story and disseminates it, not to mention who translates it.
The only way to truly address the issue is to sue the bastards who steal the work.

Unfortunately, it’s the best and most popular stories that are stolen.
But no, I’m not about to pull the story. I know this is not a novel that could be published in its own right anyway; it’s given me the confidence to think I could write a novel and send it to a literary agent. So for me, plagiarized or not, it’s already served its purpose.
But that’s too bad about the stories that were pulled already.

SR

Posted by SebastienRobichaud on Sat Nov 07, 2009 12:06 am

…there will be no LOMAH.
Barring an unforeseen disaster or (God forbid) my untimely demise, I will finish the story and post it. Period.
Plagiarism won’t scare me off; I have friends who are Sicilian.

Posted by SebastienRobichaud on Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:09 pm

Hello Stephk,
You’re welcome.
Once I started the story, there was no way I was going to pull it.
I think that would be unethical.

Posted by SebastienRobichaud on Mon Oct 26, 2009 4:40 pm

Yes, I promise all of the answers will be answered.
Even if I need an epilogue and an appendix numerically listed in order to do so.
And as I said earlier to someone, I’m not pulling the story.
Never.
I knew when I began it that in so doing I was obligated 1) to finish it in a timely manner and 2) never to pull it even if it is stolen/plagiarized
no ITLOMAH for me or my readers.
SR

Hypocrisy tag says: “Too easy.”

So now we get SR’s game. It’s all very obvious to us. It’s unethical and wrong to pull a story for something as silly as plagiarism, unless it gets really illogically popular (and some crooked archive offers to give you money for the rights to the PDF).

Quick! How many languages can we say “sell out” in?

I also wonder if this snippet from his profile will grace the jacket PDF notes:

Throughout the course of the story classical literature, music and art from Western culture will be referenced. No prior knowledge of any of these elements is required. But if one desires to travel more deeply into the heart of the labyrinth, these sources will provide clues to the successive mysteries contained in the story.

We hate to spoil it for you, but…

EDWARD’S EVEN MORE MISOGYNISTIC WITHOUT THE COOL TWILIGHT NAME ATTACHED TO GIVE US REFLECTIVE CONTEXT.

Just saying.

ETA: Some lulzy review twank

From FanFiction.net reviewer dottiez123
2010-07-19 on chapter 40 of The University of Edward Masen

I love being the basis for a character (“Amanda L’Union”).

But you do have a few inconsistencies with the characterization:

1) I’m a literature professor at a major US university;

2) many of your readers attend (or have attended) community colleges, so it’s rather impressive that you’re INSULTING YOUR READERS BY INSINUATING THEIR EDUCATIONAL ROUTES ARE SOMEHOW SUBSTANDARD TO YOUR OWN;

3) if you had any knowledge of community colleges, you would know that they’re often alternatives for high-achieving students who don’t have adequate funds to attend a college or university;

4) most community colleges are staffed solely by PhDs (something you lack); and

5) most community colleges pay better than many private colleges and universities (I know this as the daughter of a retired community college professor).

It’s clear that I intimidate you tremendously, as evidenced by basing a character off of me and using the EXACT words I used in an earlier review, just to cite two examples.

Your story is utter nonsense, and your writing is stilted indulgent. And shame on you for blocking reviews from my original account. It’s clear you cannot take criticism. DO YOU BLOCK ALL REVIEWERS WHO SAY SOMETHING NOT TO YOUR LIKING? Tsk, tsk.’

From Twilighted forum post:

Re: The University of Edward Masen by SebastienRobichaud
by Sebastien Robichaud on Sun Jul 11, 2010 10:41 pm
Forum: Alternate Universe – Human
Topic: The University of Edward Masen by SebastienRobichaud Replies: 50399 Views: 475933

Dear Everyone,

Thanks for reading and posting your theories. I’m going to try to post a teaser early Tuesday …

Those of you who were in on the whole beret episode will be surprised to learn that the reader who trashed my beret as effete pretension is still reading UOEM …. 5 chapters later.

In fact, in reviewing this chapter, she huffed that I should at least ask her permission before quoting one of her reviews.

Sorry if this seems small of me, but her review (and the fact that after pronouncing UOEM as rubbish she is STILL reading it) made me laugh.

So of course, I had to share the humour with you all. And post a few smileys … :lol: :geek:

We’re glad to see SR has such an amazing sense of humor, because creating villains as a form of fan-fic revenge against reviewers is pretty high up there in OMG WTF GET OVER YOURSELF.

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