Posts Tagged ‘circle jerk’


It’s been a quiet weekend in twankland, but a few Nonnies starting rolling in tonight. One sent us something we weren’t certain qualified.

On a previous Twank for SR or ICY, a lot was brought up on MoG (Morgan Locklear). He writes a story called Bella Voce, vamp fic, that just isn’t that great tbh. I have attached a pic of his most recent twitter feed, trying to get a known fandom lady to read his story. She does not like to read 3rd person, and is a rare occasion when she does. His story is…..3rd person.

Some people just don’t have preferences for certain things. Most authors would shrug this off with a “to each their own.”

Or you could just badger them repeatedly until they submit to the fact that YOUR story will convert them:

When the reader asks what novel-quality third POV fics come to mind for Morgan, he declares:

WHAT AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF MODESTY! How honored those other two (suckier) authors must feel to be almost as good as Morgan.

His website, where he bounces back and forth between referring to himself in first and third person.

He realizes people are afraid to get invested in WIP fics, so he promotes, “Okay, here’s the link: http://www.fanfiction.net/~ Bella Voce is well crafted and well completed.”

Reminds his readers thatIt has come to my attention that there are many people who won’t even start a story unless it is complete.” Urges them: “So if you find yourself talking about Bella Voce you might want to include that fact. Thanks for all the traffic this week.”

In the same vein, says this of his own story:

*wank* *wank* *wank*

Loving himself raw there.

Sings and records songs for his own story.

Is the one responsible for getting husbands into fic by “having a dood friendly story that is also appealing to the ladies.”

Not to pimp my own work, but as I writer, I have my characters ask questions and it leads the story down better paths.

Just in case you missed his other gazillion self-promotions…

Then there’s this, posted on the discussion thread made for him on Twilighted for Bella Voce:

Let me make one thing perfectly clear…on this thread I will personally run off anyone who uses this place to do anything except celebrating the fandom and it’s accomplishments.

At least he’s honest about the “affirmations only go here” thing.

Twankas arejust jealous.”

Pushes another reader to make him a promotional video, even though she’s short on time, in exchange for retweets and him reading her story.

ZOMGZ my mention on Twankhard got me 100 readers!

And here, we thought it was because, as you yourself boast, your story is so “well crafted” and “has a poetic style that celebrates a classic kind of story telling without being dense” and “a defined wit that will give you giggles and even Belly laughs combined with a kick ass old school vampire approach.”

Did we mention that we love it when wankers review their own stories?

Because we do.

ETA: Arrogance is not a crime!

ETA2: “you think of my pee pee [sic] when you masturbate.”

https://twankhard.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/this-is-the-pit-and-i-am-the-conductor/#comment-2431

ETA3: MY THOUSANDS OF RAVING REVIEWS DON’T LIE

All four people who said they couldn’t complete it have my apologies, I write at an above third grade level so I can understand your confusion.

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SnowqueenIcedragon’s stans made her this tribute website for MotU’s 1 year anniversary.

Master of the Universe has become the biggest thing the fandom has seen in terms of reviews, fan reaction and outside interest. In some cases this story has been life changing for the readers. It has definitely been life changing for it’s author. Who knew that this little fanfiction story would be MORE.

Idek. We’ll let the twankas handle that one.

Now SebastienRobichaud’s stans are doing something similar. From an email sent to every member of his FGB team:

Good day to you all.
You may be wondering why you’re receiving this email.
Well, SR is currently writing the FGB outtakes you have been waiting for. So I wanted to let you all know that they are not far away. Please keep an eye on your spam folders for the next little while.
The other reason you are receiving this is because fans of SR have decided to put together a tribute site for him for the completion of “The University of Edward Masen”. Our dear author has had a lot of life changing moments while he has been writing this story and many of us are thankful for being able to read it.
If you wish to let him know what this story has meant to you then you can do so by clicking this link and writing him a message.
Only Sebastien Robichaud, myself and my techie Hoot will ever see what is written. This will be turned into a private letter and sent to SR.
You are under no obligation to do this but we wanted to give you this opportunity.
With sincere gratitude,

Squally & Hoot x

Okay, we’re bored with the Icy/SR reader twank now. They’ll never be not-twanky. Unless something is particularly appalling, we’ll no longer be twanking the MotU/UoEM stans with new posts. We’ll just ETA this one. You probably won’t see anything more on the authors either, until they decide to publish.

Lets move it along.

ETA1: MotU stans roleplay the fic into a “show.”

From this amazingly scary website:

ANNOUNCEMENT

Due to recent circumstances, chat will NO LONGER be held in Edward’s apartment. Instead, we shall be meeting in the downstairs cigar room of Escala. When entering the building, turn right off the main lobby to find the cigar room. Thank you for your cooperation.

THE SHOW STARTED MONDAY AUGUST 9 @ 8 PM FORKS

PLEASE FOLLOW ALL CHARACTERS to Follow along.

With Permission from Icy herself we are acting out SnowQueens IceDragon’s Master Of the Universe here and out on twitter

Follow us @FiftyShadesEd and @Ms_IsabellaSwan.

We Started at chapter one and will continue to move thru to the end 87 89 endless chapters and the 50 Shades of Mr Edward Cullen. Please join us on this journey of making Mr Cullen and Ms Swan a reality. Spread the word and join the site for chats and discussions about MotU as well as interact with Mr Cullen and Isabella and the rest of the cast.

This site is for 18 and over only due to extreme language and explicit sex and because Edward Cullen is 50 Shades of Fucked up.

We run the story one chapter at a time for 1-1.5 hours each night
Starting at 8pm Seattle time.

They even got a fucking twibbon for this crap. That thing people on Twitter do to support a cause, like breast cancer, or feeding the hungry, or stopping hate and bigotry. They have a twibbon for the “Bunker Babes” too.

We can’t.

Then, the application to “become” a character includes questions like:

Do you understand we will be acting out line by line the Queen’s story first in MSN and then moving it to twitter?

And

Mr Cullen’s NDA states nothing that happens in MSN can be discussed outside of our Behind the Scenes Conversations. Also that you fully understand and agree to all the terms listed on this app? If you are found to be in violation of the NDA depending on the severity of the offence you may have your role taken from you. Do you Agree if you become an Official MotU character you will abide by the NDA?

ETA2: Love comes in spurts (little spurts):

Tribute to “Master Of The Universe (by Snowqueens Icedragon)”
Song written and performed by Betti Gefecht
Mp3 download at http://bettis-art-house.blogspot.com

Lyrics:

Quick to be angered
Hard to please
Hot and cold and bittersweet
Everything about him
Makes me weak in the knees
And yet I’m still on my feet
Cuz when he shifts his way
From bright to moody
It’s just one of the fifty shades
Of his Beauty

Some call him master
Some call him a mess
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes I want it faster
Sometimes I want less
Love comes in spurts (little spurts)
Because the gift he
Makes me
Is a treasure
He gives me fifty shades
Of pleasure

Doubt swiftly fades
Here’s my confession:
(Goddess to god, inner goddess calling)
I crave his fifty shades
Of love and passion

Fifty shades of love…

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Twank happens in the UoEM thread, Nonnies flood our inbox, we sift through it to find the lulz.

The general tl;dr gist of this is:

  • SR makes a few brief posts (he’s been MIA for a long while) that have something to do with spreading goodness and charity. Got a lot of people to volunteer to do all the work. Denounced all the negativity rippling through fandom. Suggests he not be terribly closely tied to the fundraiser, as blind hatred for his name alone will sully it. Made no mention of UoEM specifically.
  • Maybebymonday decides, since SR is around, it might be a good time to finally get an answer as to why he pulled the story.
  • Isabeausink replies begging The Muses to ignore MBM, laces her post with the most pretentious/condescending vernacular to ever grace Twilighted.
  • After the thread diligently ignores MBM for a dozen or more posts, MBM replies to Isa that she only needs SR to reply, anyway.
  • Mostly A Lurker replies to MBM, explaining that it is an open forum, so she is inviting response from anyone except when the thread is told to ignore her. Maybe she should visit SR’s official website?
  • MBM replies stating that she is only interested in a response from SR, but given the mystery surrounding the story’s disappearance, it seems valid to post it in a public forum where others might also have questions.
  • Zoe123 pops in with a big GUUURRLLLL OH NO YOU DI-IN’T since MBM referred to SR as a “she.”  Also this overdramatic nonsense: “who are you to ask with such a sinister attitude against him and all of us
  • Chriserlyn makes a post suggesting that there is a conspiracy! MBM is trying to provoke The Muses so as to gain merit to report false accusations to the mods.
  • boricua_smv: “Wise words, my dear Gardenia. Sloretinis anyone?
  • More general agreement
  • MBM is all “WTF?”
  • HNWhitlock200 makes EMPHATIC ALL CAPS REPLY IN TEAL: “SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” MBM has clearly ruined her entire day.
  • Morgan Locklear: “First, let’s not pretend that MBM ‘s question isn’t valid. But her problem is that she’s rude, plain and simple, she’s been chasing budding posters off this thread for ages, (even a mostly blind lurker can see that.)How insulting to think that SR wouldn’t answer all our questions when he can.” Only he hasn’t. “Madam, you are surprisingly aggressive for someone who is attached to a non bullying campaign starting today.” She then tells MBM how to properly make an inquiry to our dear, fragile SR.
  • General agreement with Morgan in the form of “POSITIVITY ONLY DAY!” and “YOU HAVE BALLS, LIKE SR!” and “YOU WERE SO MUCH NICER THAN I WOULD HAVE BEEN!”
  • *MOB MENTALITY* *MOB MENTALITY* *MOB MENTALITY*
  • MBM is all “Oh, so this is why no one likes you people.”
  • WritingBabe makes a particularly lulzy teal deer post in which she recounts a story of being bullied as a child and likens MBM’s antics to that of her oldendays aggressors. “MBM, you may feel a victim, but you’re behaving like an aggressor. and your persistence leads me to tell you that you are on a destructive path. Destructive to others, but also destructive to yourself. Even if you relish the idea of hurting people you believe have somehow wronged you, you are setting patterns of behavior that will never help you thrive.
  • *SYMPATHY* *SYMPATHY* *SYMPATHY* WE WERE BULLIED, TOO!
  • Morgan Locklear: “If you would like to avoid further embarrassment at having your flimsy posts dismantled you may address me privately. But since it is the attention you seek, I won’t hold my breath.
  • MariaVisconti: “SR, thank you for your leadership. You’ve set a precedent on how to address negativity and hatred…. Do something Good! We may not be able to control all the evil in the world but we can , by helping others, stop our hearts from becoming hard, closed off, bitter, and most terrifying….faithless.
  • Twankhard reminds you that SR has made no appearance since MBM’s post.
  • Strange thread-wide “Book Club Meeting” in which they compare UoEM to the classic Jane Eyre.
  • Charlotte Bronte rolls over in her grave.
  • Morgan Locklear: “Jane Eyre, chapter 4, “November, December, and half of January passed away.” Anyone else think of New Moon?
  • Charlotte Bronte rolls over in her grave again.
  • Monamour finally clears up the charity thing: “SR and others are putting together an outtake book raising money for charity in Trayce’s honor as a show of the goodness in the fandom.
  • Twilighted Mod finally comes on to remind them that SR rules even Twilighted with his ginormous group of followers who give them traffic to be nice.

We’d like to point out that we’ve seen far worse mob mentality on Twilighted. On this specific thread even. As notorious as the mob mentality is around there, and since MBM has experienced it first hand herself, we can’t really argue that she didn’t make the post expecting a reaction and hoping it’d be worse.

But it is lulzy, if not for the Jane Eyre comparisons alone.

All the posts are hidden from font page. Click to read them in all their teal deer glory.

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(more…)


A two hour follow up post? We are (hardly) amazed by the response.

Apparently, wank begats wank. Or maybe it’s just another Saturday night, we’re not sure.

We’ve just received this twank submission:

107yearoldvirgin is accusing feathersmmm of “stealing” from her because she used the word “wang” in Wallbanger and quoted Ron Burgandy in her A/N.

We can’t make this up.

While the nonnie sent us screenshots of 107yearoldvirgin’s facebook wall (where she tells Feathers to “fuck off and choke”), we weren’t able to really find any logic in the accusation, or proof that any of 107yearoldvirgin’s stories we’re so dependent upon use of the popular term “wang” that it would constitute copying of any kind. No amount of digging has uncovered any logic, actually.

No, it’s just funny.

Except the death wish.

That’s just insane.

LET IT BE HEARD, UNIVERSE! ALL WANG BELONGS TO 107YEAROLDVIRGIN, ELSE YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND CHOKE.

Thanks for the warning, nonnie.

ETA:Because 107yearoldvirgin isn’t being self-important at all, she needs a whole contest to prove how much she doesn’t own wang or unfairly persecute people who use common terms.

Welcome to the Steal My Fics One Shot Contest!

What the eff is this about? It’s about giving permission to the strealers and the haters; the lovers and the laughers.

So, you want to take a piece of my second-rate ficcing and make it your own? You think you know Don? Wanna steal my ‘Wards?Come on. Everyone else is doing it.

Why not steal a SleepHumper or a Wang? Maybe take one of my One Shots and twist it around. Or use my Manny in a new house? Perhaps you want to have a mysterious photographer who can’t feel? A gay assistant named Ali? This is your chance! You have my blessing to Steal My Fics. Make me laugh and let me see what you’ve got hidden up your plagiarizing sleeves.

We love how easy you make it to like you. But, we also think “Fuck off and choke” was a way better name for this contest.