Posts Tagged ‘Edward Wallbanger’


Does it come as a huge surprise that our first (blog-worthy) submitted twank hails from the ever-masturbatory feathersmmmm? Not to us, it doesn’t.

For the sake of hilarity, let’s rewind back to a simpler time in fandom. The entire TwiFic blog phenomenon was just being born, and with that came Twigasm, which for those of you who may be unfamiliar, was/is an adult-catered Twilight FanFiction podcast. Feathers, who was at the time authoring the RPF love story I Love L.A. (which has since been pulled for publishing and reworked into the masterpiece we know today as The Unidentified Personalities Redhead) was one of the authors involved.

Since Omnific (a controversial, Twilighted.net business that takes mediocre, yet popular fanfictions and edits them for the purpose of monopolizing off their guise of original fiction) sprinkled Feathers with the ill-gotten gains of publishdom, the author has become widely known for a long string of incredibly verbose and wanktastic author notes. In fact, like any good twankhard, she seems to love the attention (we know you’re reading, chicken), often transparently making the A/Ns as long as she possibly can, while passive aggressively instigating her critics.

Her most recent A/N defends her use of the endearment “chickens” (duh, it means she fucking loves you, you flock of sanctimonious morons). It also promotes her upcoming sequel to The Unidentified Talent Redhead, which she just knows you’ll buy, because you weren’t bored by the complete lack of characterization in the first one entirely fulfilled by her first, admit it.

But this isn’t where the real twank comes in. We were notified of the activity on her Twitter account this evening, and we had to admit. We were quite amused. While it’s against our rules to post screenshots of private Twitter accounts, we couldn’t resist a little creative re-enactment.

Isn’t it funny when people take things too seriously?

Like whenever mediocre fanfiction authors write a self-insert story about boning Robert Pattinson, and then proceed to dress it up as actual literature once it gains a little steam in the community?

Yes.

No matter what I do or how I explain myself, some people aren’t going to like me.

True, but it probably helps if we’re not being preached at/told to go fuck ourselves every single A/N.

Is it ever okay for authors to bash another author’s story?

Oh, this is going to get good. Translation: Someone who actually holds some weight in this community was a big fat meanie pants.

I love concrit. I just think it should only be given by critics whose ultimate goal in giving it is to see the author excel.

I’ll remember that next time I go to see an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

On public vs private criticism: If you sling nasty shit, then own up to it, slather your dildos in it, wear it on your dumb faces.

It’s okay to sling shit in public so long as you wear the feces as warpaint. We’re with you.

I have negative opinions on stories, but I never share them in public.

Wait…. what?

We’re too unmotivated to go through your timeline and prove you wrong. (And we would.)

Feel free to flame me.

Don’t worry, we will.

I’m not judging anyone.

No, you’d never do that. You’re too busy “staying classy” and using your very public A/Ns as a tool to attack and incite your critics.

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