Posts Tagged ‘ego’


I’m a firm believer in kicking a man when he’s down, beating a dead horse, and above all, trying to convince the fandom that publishing with Omnific, and TWCS Publishing house is better than just going to Amazon and cutting out the middle man.

From chapter 1 of  Lindseyfair’s Bring Me To Life.

May 8th, 2010

It pains me in many ways to have to do this, but I am removing all but the first chapter of “Bring Me to Life”. As some of you might know, I have been working on an original version for some time now. I have finally found a publisher and I’m getting ready to send it off shortly after I post this note. I hate to do this because this story is still getting reviews and favorite alerts daily. I apologize to those of you who were unable to read this story completely.

If you keep this story on alert, I will be posting notes as the publish date gets closer. You will also be able to keep up to date on my web site, lindseygray.webs.com (broken link)

Now, after thinking some, we realized that perhaps there is still confusion (how? idk idk)…so we decided to go to the expert–Google:

Question: What is FanFic?

Answer: Fan Fiction (FanFic) is a genre of amateur creative expression that features characters from movies, TV shows, and popular culture in new situations or adventures.

The vast majority of these stories and poems are written by fans with no commercial interest to disseminate their work over the Internet, email lists, or newsgroups…

Now wait–maybe I misunderstood!  Could it be that the expert’s on fanfic have it wrong?

“…Regardless of whether FanFic authors are really fans, owners of original works often do not look favorably upon these works. In response, the owners of the rights often try to stop the creation of FanFic through cease and desist letters and the threat of lawsuit.”

Hmmm…but what about…

Question: What kinds of things are copyrighted?

Answer: In order for a work to be protected by copyright, it must be an original creation set in a fixed medium.

An artist or author does not have a copyright in material borrowed from someone else. Also, stock characters (the sidekick) or plot lines (boy meets girl) are not copyrightable.

But enough about the dead horse…  Publishing can be hard work:

There’s also this (from chapter 1 A/N):

“It looks like I might also be attending the Twilight Convention in Dallas this November as part of this publishing house’s first authors. I would love to meet any of you who will be attending. I will hopefully be able to let you know the release date for my other novel by then.”

Because all books produced by this “publishing house” are so original and not in any way shape or form tied to Twilight that they’re piggybacking off the franchise’s convention.

Okay.

We don’t even know what to do with the fact that she’s announcing that she’ll be at Dallas Twi-con…well, except to show you this post from her blog- just in case you aren’t sure of where she will be and her availability…

Hey all!

As the date creeps near, I will be available for interviews and personal appearances. If you or anyone you know would be interested, please contact my marketing agent, Shae. She can be reached at (714)989-6564 or Shae@thewriterscoffeeshop.com.

This is such an exciting time for me and I hope that you all will be this excited after you read the book. I look forward to discussing it with you all.

And in an unrelated twank that we’re just tossing in here because we can, HappyWanderer’s Bad Press was recently pulled:

They say that imitation is the finest form of flattery; but in the case of plagiarism, I don’t believe this to be true. In recent weeks, there have been a couple of cases of “Bad Press” being hijacked by plagiarizing authors on different websites. (Thank you, once again, to the faithful readers that alerted me to this fact. You know who you are.) With the ultimate goal of publishing this story professionally, I’ve decided to copyright my chapters sooner than expected. As a result, I’m forced to pull my story from fanfiction.I’m aware that most of you will be displeased with me and my decision. I only hope that the artist within each of you will understand where I’m coming from as I circle the wagons and protect my writing.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

HW

PS: If the thieving bastards are reading this, I hope you’re happy and know that I’m coming for you with everything I have. Be afraid.

Be afraid, you thieving bastards!

.


Twelve twank reports in thirty minutes. It can only mean another round of PULL THAT FIC AND SELL IT!

ekimmuh, author of Finding Bella decided to pull it from FFn in light of the recent pulled/completed fic database (which didn’t even include her story).

From Finding Bella (the only chapter left up), her blog, and a Twilighted.net forum post:

It was brought to my attention tonight that some members of the fandom who are not happy about some of the fanfiction authors publishing their stories have taken it upon themselves to compile a list of fics and put them into a database for everyone to access who wants to. This makes publishing a story that one has written and posted on the fandom extremely difficult. It is sad that these individuals feel that they have the right from the author to take the story they’ve created to a larger readership, but that is exactly what is happening. We all share our writing on the fandom for free, but that does not mean that if we find our work to be ‘good enough’ we would not want to try and publish it and make money from it. We all put a lot of time and effort into these stories.

Our C&P links to all those websites confirming how ILLEGAL that is have begged us to give them a vacation, so we won’t bother.

So, it is with a sad heart that I have removed Finding Bella. Given that I have announced that I am publishing a novel (not Finding Bella), I feel that I, and my story will soon be targeted by this group. Believe me when I say that I do this with great sadness. I know that Finding Bella has a huge following in the fandom and that it will be missed.

That’s a lot of self-importance. Allow us to translate.

*WANK* *WANK* *WANK*

With that said, I want to assure you that you all will get your ended. Unfortunately, due to what is going on, you are now going to wait until the story is published. It will be a series of books instead of one and I am hoping to have the first one out, if all goes well, sometime next year.

At first, we thought this meant she was publishing Finding Bella, even though she just said the paragraph before that she wasn’t, but truthfully, her blog post was so poorly written that we’re not even sure what she means. Since she spends many words defending her copyrights, we’re going to tentatively assume she intends to publish her fanfickshun.

I will not be disappearing from the fandom, and I will probably still write here although I will most likely be sticking to cannon or AU stories from now on.

We’ll all just be jumping to read that, since you treated your HUGE FOLLOWING with such obvious respect with your last story.

I am asking that if you do have a copy of Finding Bella saved on your hard drive that you do not share it. Many of you will not be happy with my decision, but I do hope you understand. This is personal. Whether or not an author used the Twilight characters as a jumping board or not write their story, it is still their story and belongs to them. I ask my readers to please respect that and not help add to this.

In response to a reply on her blog post:

Charmie,

No. This is not selfless. I put a lot of time and energy into this story and if I would like to publish it one of these days then that is something I feel is perfectly within my rights to do as it has nothing to do with Twilight. Putting it on the blog or another site would not protect it from being stolen. The only option was to take it down, which is what I have done.

Insert the same 10 or 20 links to copyright law here.

Just no.

Her Twitter and blog suggest that she’s in support of TWCS, who we twanked last month for basically being thieves. They’re also the “publishing house” that’s about to market such treasures as Just Wait and The Perfect Wife, whose author is about to have some kind of big reveal in the next eight days, idk idk. It’s not a big leap to assume she plans to submit Finding Bella to them as well, if they haven’t already agreed to steal her HUGE FOLLOWING’s money publish it already.

That’s just speculation though. It’s possible she’s going to a real life publisher to query her fanfickshun, but since she recently made an entire blog post whining about Twilighted beta feedback, we don’t think she’s up for all that.

Twilighted is a privately owned site and the administrators have the right to run it as they see fit, however, as the author I have issues with being asked to change my story.

.


Nonnie blesses our inbox with something truly twank worthy.

We’re not going to go into the specifics of what a good review is, but why would we, when mac214 has already done the homework for us? In her blog entry titled, The Lost Art of Constructive Criticism, mac teaches us what an acceptable review is. AND HER BLOG IS WEARING OUR DRESS, BUT ASIDE FROM THAT… According to her,

The art of constructive criticism seems to be lost on those in the fandom who consider themselves qualified enough to leave it. Most of the time it seems designed to make the writer feel like shit instead of genuinely helping them improve their writing.

This would seem to imply that not only is everyone not qualified enough to constructively criticize a Twilight Fanfiction, but also that most negative reviews (which are likely a generous 5% of all FFn reviews) are only being left to bring the author down.

re·view (r-vy)

v. re·viewed, re·view·ing, re·views
v.tr. 

1. To look over, study, or examine again.
2. To consider retrospectively; look back on.
3. To examine with an eye to criticism or correction: reviewed the research findings.
4. To write or give a critical report on (a new work or performance, for example).
5. Law To reexamine (an action or determination) judicially, especially in a higher court, in order to correct possible errors.
6. To subject to a formal inspection, especially a military inspection.
7. Given for the sole purpose of aiding the subject of said criticism to improve.

One could argue she was only referring to constructive criticism and not reviews as a whole. It’s not like she picked a negative review, threw it up on her blog, made an example out of a reader who was just leaving an honest and not at all hostile opinion, and then took it upon herself to correct them.

Or maybe she did.

Last night someone complained about the accent in Coming Through the Rye in a way that was less than constructive:

I’m sure you really won’t care about this review but I can’t believe you have someone Scottish helping with this dialect. You’re mixing different Scottish dialects throughout, also the only people who sound that broad are farmers and people over 70, and the glossary is hit or miss too. For a start “teucher” is absolutely not a highland term, it refers to people from NE Scotland. Black Pudding? NOTHING like a sausage, the texture/taste is so different that calling it this is ridiculous. As a Scot it pains me to see this as a representation of Scotland.

Combative. Rude. Arrogant. Did I miss anything?  I thanked the reviewer for her opinion, but shockingly this particular reviewer HAD to assure me of her superiority and correctness, which led to me letting out a tiny bit of snark.  I probably would have reined it in a bit if she’d just been insulting me (I’m certainly no expert at Scottish slang and accents), but she’s also insulting Claire, my prereader who lives in Glencoe, Scotland – and what kind of idiot implies I wouldn’t know a sausage if it bit me in the ass?  Not to mention, if you’re going to dispute the glossary definitions, be sure googling the term “teuchter” doesn’t immediately take you to page after page that defines it as a word referring to people in the Highlands. Considering Claire’s people refer to themselves as “teuchtery”… well, I don’t think the reviewer in question could have outed herself as a true troll and absolute moron any more if she tried.

How might this reviewer have transmitted her viewpoint without coming off as a complete douchebag?

Mac then proceeds to reconstruct (we can’t make this up) what she felt the review should have been. Anyone got a facepalm gif handy?

“I like that you’re writing a Scottish Edward.  I live in Scotland, though, and your portrayal of the accent doesn’t seem quite right.  To my ear, the accent appears too heavy and the slang is wrong for a person of that age group.  Perhaps you might add an additional Scottish person to join your prereading team to offer a second opinion – I would be happy to step in if you’re interested.  You may also want to consider rewording your description of blood pudding.  It doesn’t seem very sausage-like to me – it’s not quite as firm and meaty. Thanks for putting so much effort into your fic!” It gets the point across, offers solutions, and doesn’t imply the reviewer is schmuck.

We’d point out that instead of looking like a schmuck, now it just looks like the reader has her tongue glued to your anus, just the way you like, but we won’t. You’d probably make an example out of us too.

Twank Roundup:

Blog Post: Contests are unfair and only the popular girls win (Even though she only made the blog post to announce she’s placed in one)

Blog Post: Teaching the world about the evils of homophones (You can leave links to any homophone errors present in her fics in the comments… we don’t read…)

Blog Post: Tax deductions for fic research (Just no)

Blog Post: Your BDSM fic is boring and only popular because it’s trendy (Not that we disagree, but her fic list isn’t exactly screaming INTRIGUE)

Blog Post: Just everything.

Profile Page: “Thinking about leaving negative feedback? Consider whether your review is constructive or abusive. My policy is to ban anyone who leaves abusive criticism and make fun of them publicly for being a douchebag.” (Should we remind you what she considers “abusive”?)

We didn’t look at her Twitter, but we ‘magine it goes something like:

*SELF-IMPORTANCE* *SELF-IMPORTANCE* *SELF-IMPORTANCE*

.


It’s been a quiet weekend in twankland, but a few Nonnies starting rolling in tonight. One sent us something we weren’t certain qualified.

On a previous Twank for SR or ICY, a lot was brought up on MoG (Morgan Locklear). He writes a story called Bella Voce, vamp fic, that just isn’t that great tbh. I have attached a pic of his most recent twitter feed, trying to get a known fandom lady to read his story. She does not like to read 3rd person, and is a rare occasion when she does. His story is…..3rd person.

Some people just don’t have preferences for certain things. Most authors would shrug this off with a “to each their own.”

Or you could just badger them repeatedly until they submit to the fact that YOUR story will convert them:

When the reader asks what novel-quality third POV fics come to mind for Morgan, he declares:

WHAT AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF MODESTY! How honored those other two (suckier) authors must feel to be almost as good as Morgan.

His website, where he bounces back and forth between referring to himself in first and third person.

He realizes people are afraid to get invested in WIP fics, so he promotes, “Okay, here’s the link: http://www.fanfiction.net/~ Bella Voce is well crafted and well completed.”

Reminds his readers thatIt has come to my attention that there are many people who won’t even start a story unless it is complete.” Urges them: “So if you find yourself talking about Bella Voce you might want to include that fact. Thanks for all the traffic this week.”

In the same vein, says this of his own story:

*wank* *wank* *wank*

Loving himself raw there.

Sings and records songs for his own story.

Is the one responsible for getting husbands into fic by “having a dood friendly story that is also appealing to the ladies.”

Not to pimp my own work, but as I writer, I have my characters ask questions and it leads the story down better paths.

Just in case you missed his other gazillion self-promotions…

Then there’s this, posted on the discussion thread made for him on Twilighted for Bella Voce:

Let me make one thing perfectly clear…on this thread I will personally run off anyone who uses this place to do anything except celebrating the fandom and it’s accomplishments.

At least he’s honest about the “affirmations only go here” thing.

Twankas arejust jealous.”

Pushes another reader to make him a promotional video, even though she’s short on time, in exchange for retweets and him reading her story.

ZOMGZ my mention on Twankhard got me 100 readers!

And here, we thought it was because, as you yourself boast, your story is so “well crafted” and “has a poetic style that celebrates a classic kind of story telling without being dense” and “a defined wit that will give you giggles and even Belly laughs combined with a kick ass old school vampire approach.”

Did we mention that we love it when wankers review their own stories?

Because we do.

ETA: Arrogance is not a crime!

ETA2: “you think of my pee pee [sic] when you masturbate.”

https://twankhard.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/this-is-the-pit-and-i-am-the-conductor/#comment-2431

ETA3: MY THOUSANDS OF RAVING REVIEWS DON’T LIE

All four people who said they couldn’t complete it have my apologies, I write at an above third grade level so I can understand your confusion.

.


We’re not really even sure we can pinpoint the twank here. We guess in the generalized sense, DelaneyG84 is one big, pulsating twank monster, just lurking beneath your bed, waiting for your feet to pass so she can jump out, grab you, and yell.

ROBSTEN IS REAL! ACCEPT AND LOVE THEM! *CRAZINESS* *CRAZINESS* *CRAZINESS*

We already know a little about how Delaney is being sued by Summit for leaking Eclipse photos, so her rabid fanaticism doesn’t come as much of a surprise.

We have no idea how she developed such a “following” but if you were to ask her, it’s because she has “insider sources” that can confirm the definite existence of “Robsten.” Not only can she confirm that RP and KS are together and deeply in love, but she also provides alleged details about their personal and professional lives, sometimes teasing her followers with clues about information gained from these “sources”. All the while, she is claiming to have so much information on RP and KS that she has to remain “muzzled” to respect their privacy.

She sometimes insults her very following by agreeing “a cat has more common sense than a large portion of R/k fans“.

She has double agents EVERYWHERE!

Begs in smugness, “Let’s forget the “Stens”. I have done my part. Y’all know the truth by now. Let’s be Rob, Kris and Twilight Saga fans. Ok?

It’s wrong to hate on popular figures. “You can’t be a fan of Rob if you hate Kstew.

Yet she continuously mocks and berates other figures of popularity, calling Joe Jonas “a virgin whore” and saying this of Rob and Kristen’s costars, Ashley Green and Nikki Reed: “AG and NR just need to keep their legs shut. There I said it.

Yet she tells Twihards they need to chill the fuck out.

And God forbid anyone doubt the existence of Robsten. She reitterates how very together the couple is. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and…

You feel me.

Sometimes, reading through her Twitter feed (which we only had the motivation to do as far back as July), we get the impression that Delaney feels burdened by her obligations and duties in this fandom. She has to confirm and deny every rumor, inform us which fan sites are acceptable to visit, and constantly reiterate how very together the couple is. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and…

We all know how rabid it can get on both sides of this R/K debate, but Twankhard was really shocked to hear some of the shenanigans, going so far to stalk and harass people and their families (on either side) in their personal lives.  Naturally, we’re like.

Who cares who’s fucking whom?

But this is some prime, WTF IT’S SO CREEPY WE’RE SCARED FOR THEM twank.

When things get really difficult for Delany, she just finds comfort in knowing that Rob and Kristen are solid.

Scary creepy?

Happy Halloween, Twankas.

ETA: SCREENSHOTS & POLL UNDER “READ FULL STORY” CUT

ETA2: Nonnie sent us this public summary of the Summit lawsuit

http://www.rfcexpress.com/lawsuit.asp?ID=54932

(more…)


SnowqueenIcedragon’s stans made her this tribute website for MotU’s 1 year anniversary.

Master of the Universe has become the biggest thing the fandom has seen in terms of reviews, fan reaction and outside interest. In some cases this story has been life changing for the readers. It has definitely been life changing for it’s author. Who knew that this little fanfiction story would be MORE.

Idek. We’ll let the twankas handle that one.

Now SebastienRobichaud’s stans are doing something similar. From an email sent to every member of his FGB team:

Good day to you all.
You may be wondering why you’re receiving this email.
Well, SR is currently writing the FGB outtakes you have been waiting for. So I wanted to let you all know that they are not far away. Please keep an eye on your spam folders for the next little while.
The other reason you are receiving this is because fans of SR have decided to put together a tribute site for him for the completion of “The University of Edward Masen”. Our dear author has had a lot of life changing moments while he has been writing this story and many of us are thankful for being able to read it.
If you wish to let him know what this story has meant to you then you can do so by clicking this link and writing him a message.
Only Sebastien Robichaud, myself and my techie Hoot will ever see what is written. This will be turned into a private letter and sent to SR.
You are under no obligation to do this but we wanted to give you this opportunity.
With sincere gratitude,

Squally & Hoot x

Okay, we’re bored with the Icy/SR reader twank now. They’ll never be not-twanky. Unless something is particularly appalling, we’ll no longer be twanking the MotU/UoEM stans with new posts. We’ll just ETA this one. You probably won’t see anything more on the authors either, until they decide to publish.

Lets move it along.

ETA1: MotU stans roleplay the fic into a “show.”

From this amazingly scary website:

ANNOUNCEMENT

Due to recent circumstances, chat will NO LONGER be held in Edward’s apartment. Instead, we shall be meeting in the downstairs cigar room of Escala. When entering the building, turn right off the main lobby to find the cigar room. Thank you for your cooperation.

THE SHOW STARTED MONDAY AUGUST 9 @ 8 PM FORKS

PLEASE FOLLOW ALL CHARACTERS to Follow along.

With Permission from Icy herself we are acting out SnowQueens IceDragon’s Master Of the Universe here and out on twitter

Follow us @FiftyShadesEd and @Ms_IsabellaSwan.

We Started at chapter one and will continue to move thru to the end 87 89 endless chapters and the 50 Shades of Mr Edward Cullen. Please join us on this journey of making Mr Cullen and Ms Swan a reality. Spread the word and join the site for chats and discussions about MotU as well as interact with Mr Cullen and Isabella and the rest of the cast.

This site is for 18 and over only due to extreme language and explicit sex and because Edward Cullen is 50 Shades of Fucked up.

We run the story one chapter at a time for 1-1.5 hours each night
Starting at 8pm Seattle time.

They even got a fucking twibbon for this crap. That thing people on Twitter do to support a cause, like breast cancer, or feeding the hungry, or stopping hate and bigotry. They have a twibbon for the “Bunker Babes” too.

We can’t.

Then, the application to “become” a character includes questions like:

Do you understand we will be acting out line by line the Queen’s story first in MSN and then moving it to twitter?

And

Mr Cullen’s NDA states nothing that happens in MSN can be discussed outside of our Behind the Scenes Conversations. Also that you fully understand and agree to all the terms listed on this app? If you are found to be in violation of the NDA depending on the severity of the offence you may have your role taken from you. Do you Agree if you become an Official MotU character you will abide by the NDA?

ETA2: Love comes in spurts (little spurts):

Tribute to “Master Of The Universe (by Snowqueens Icedragon)”
Song written and performed by Betti Gefecht
Mp3 download at http://bettis-art-house.blogspot.com

Lyrics:

Quick to be angered
Hard to please
Hot and cold and bittersweet
Everything about him
Makes me weak in the knees
And yet I’m still on my feet
Cuz when he shifts his way
From bright to moody
It’s just one of the fifty shades
Of his Beauty

Some call him master
Some call him a mess
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes I want it faster
Sometimes I want less
Love comes in spurts (little spurts)
Because the gift he
Makes me
Is a treasure
He gives me fifty shades
Of pleasure

Doubt swiftly fades
Here’s my confession:
(Goddess to god, inner goddess calling)
I crave his fifty shades
Of love and passion

Fifty shades of love…

.


This twank has had us laughing all night long. At least 5 Nonnies reported it, but by the time Twankharder2 *glares* got around to checking our email, the author had pulled the material in question. But we could kiss Nonnie #6, who so diligently took a screenshot for your entertainment.

Firstly, we’d like to congratulate Hannah81 (Twilighted validation beta, of course) on this:

ACO would be All Cried Out, a twilight fanfiction that she completed and later removed. She still has the outtakes on her fanfiction.net profile.

She’s obviously been terribly busy, editing the fanfiction into a marketable masterpiece (and only in one month!).

We all know how illegal immoral difficult it must be to transform a fanfiction into something resembling an original work. We imagine there must be an abundance of search and replace plot and character revisions. So much, that she’d basically have to rewrite the story.

Omnific was pleased with the revisions Hannah chose, and look how excited she is! She is going to be real life published by a real life publishing company! Break out the champagne! All that searching and replacing hard work paid off!

But first, Hannah must tell her readers! And how better to tell her readers than to offer them a oneshot with an A/N proclaiming she now has absolute ownership of All Cried Out, and Oh! She hopes you’ll buy the book! She realizes you already read the fanfiction, but this book is going to be so different. Practically not even the same thing.

But the chapter update doesn’t exist. This is the point where Twankhard taps a finger against our chins and hems and hahs.

Enter, Nonnie of the Week! She took a screenshot before Hannah81 removed the chapter, probably in a  fit of total embarrassment.

(Click to see fullsize)

Note that every recognizable Twilight character and location name now has a new one smooshed up beside it. EdwardWesley and CharlotteBella are just so glad Hannah81 took the time to properly edit her fanfiction into something original and publishable. It’d be awful to know she used search and replace, and awfuller to know she didn’t even do that correctly. Awfuller even to know she’d post it by accident without even reading it through.

Hannah81 is clearly publishing material.

(PatrickJasper/ChloeAlice OTP)

.


By popular demand in Johnny’s thread (*irony*), we present to you…

The Fic Bridge: Big Name Author Love

Today, we are being positive about Big Name Authors. Why? Because chances are they have felt the heat of hate. They are easy targets and usually are tough to get a rise out of.

Instead of reacting, more often than not, a BNA will power through and keep writing for the readers that are enjoying their stories. Chances are, they jump at the opportunity to participate in charities and pimp other author’s stories.

When I was starting out, I had friendly, sweet help from quite a few well known authors. They answered questions, gave me the time of day, and continued to talk to me even though I am such a disgusting thing on Twitter.

They have set precedents for up and coming authors.

So today, big name authors get a little love.

We were going to make a day where we could just appreciate all authors equally, but the BNAs with 30,000 reviews just don’t get enough support! SR and SnowqueenSomething don’t have even have BIG NAME READERS to write creepy RPFs about them and their genitalia versions of Edward. Hurry! Let’s make them feel fellated and appreciated!

squalloogal wrote: I have turned off PM’s for the time being.

To those who had sent messages – Please wait on word from SR. I don’t know anything helpful to you. If you have copies of UoEM I don’t want them. I don’t want to know and I wish to remind everyone that “University of Edward Masen” is owned and written by the author going by the penname Sebastien Robichaud.

DO NOT DISTRIBUTE COPIES – this is theft.

DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT – I will just swear and call you a FUCKER.

That is all.

***********

Urgh I hate these kinds of posts.

So to cleans the palet…

Something lazy with hopefully some laughs and Something to SAY.

*********

A/N
I do not own Twilight; The University of Edward Masen; Master of the Universe or any other fanfiction stories or characters you may find within.
I am however blessed to call these Authors Friends. So I am not fazed.
Special thanks go to my beloved Beta Jenn who helped make this garbage readable.
This is the tale of a love story across the forums and through the pages of Twilight fanfiction
Above is just a sampling of the love we have shared with our lead characters Snowqueens Icedragon (Icy) and Sebastien Robichaud (SR)
I mean no disrespect. This is an act of love and the usual Squally fuckery.
In Lieu of an awe inspiring update of UoEM and MotU we have in its stead…. this.
Enjoy!

::SRICY a Love Story

Back in the age when fanfic was king there lived a mousy man named Sebastien. He was friends with a dragon called Falcor and a mean but sexy bloke called Sinward.

Sinward was of the tribe of WARDS, of which there were many. All the Wards were hunky, but some of them could kick your ass. Even though Sinward was a fierce guy he was very loyal and a great friend and ally of Sebastien’s.

Sebastien haled from the small village of Uni. Its nearest neighbor was a strange and mysterious place called Bunker. Sebastien heard tales of a beautiful and sassy maiden living in the land of Bunker and chose one day to visit.

As he entered into its royal courts he met a strange and exotic fellow by the name of Fifty. Sebastien thought it such a strange name for a fellow to bear, but said nothing of it. Fifty kind of gave him the creeps.

“What are you doing here? What do you want?” Fifty glared at young Sebastien and made him stutter.

“Um..I um, I’m loo look looking for the beautiful maiden of Bunker.”

“You can’t have her. Be gone you craven little man,” Fifty bellowed. “Even if you could find her, she’d have nothing to do with you. Look at you. ” Fifty stared at Sebastien and as he did he began to chuckle.

“Actually do you know what? I WILL tell you where to find our beauty Icy. She can be found in the midst of Bunker near the fountain of OB.” Fifty laughed harder believing Sebastien to be no threat to his manhood and let him on his way.

Our poor hero was so shaken by his encounter with the domineering Fifty that he looked behind him and pondered on whether he should go back to whence he had come. He was such a brave little Uniman though that with a deep breath he took hold of himself and marched into Bunker with focus.

In the belly of Bunker there could be heard such merriment. Many brazen and barely clothed women were drinking and talking about all manner of unmentionable things. Sebastien looked on in shock.

Who are these women? he thought to himself wondering how such creatures were allowed to mingle in polite society. Yet there in the midst he noticed a flash of long brown locks and the glimpse of a svelte figure.

That was her – he knew it. The beauty. The beauty of Bunker.

Never had he felt so thrilled and so terrified as he did in that moment. Icy, the beauty, turned around in the gaggle of woman and faced in his direction. She was heart stoppingly attractive. All Sebastien’s senses left him and he found his feet leading him closer to her.

When he was but a hares breath away from her he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. She had stolen his very breath with her enchanting whiles. The words of Fifty began to play over in his head. He heard again the laughter of the domineering man echoing through his soul.

Sebastien feeling defeat without saying a single word dropped his head and began to move away. How could a man like him be enough for such a goddess as Icy?

Just as he began to turn to leave her presence he felt her hand gently and tenderly take his. Sebastien looked up into the deep pools of chocolate that seemed to be reaching his very soul.

Icy smiled. “Hello,” she said quietly.

“Hello.” Sebastien being a man of great breeding never forgot his manners, regardless of the situation and circumstance, and began to introduce himself.

“I am Sebastien Robichaud of the land of Uni. You must be Icy of Bunker.”

“What makes you say so?” Icy looked upon him in kindness

“Well, you are the most beautiful lady I have ever set eyes upon” Sebastien blushed at his own bluntness. His face looked like an overcooked lobster. That blood red blush only made Icy’s smile grow. She had never encountered a soul, male or female, that had such little guile. Her heart began to soften greatly towards him.

All at once the gaggling girls surrounding them began to scream and swoon. Both Icy and Sebastien looked around. They had been lost in their not so private moment and were now aware that all the women seemed to be about to pass out. Sebastien looked for the cause of the ruckus when he noticed Fifty approaching him at great speed.

“Step away from her worm. She is mine.”

Icy’s nostrils flared. “I belong to no-one Fifty. How many times must I explain this to you? Just because I spend my weeks with your words and endless stories in my head does NOT make me yours.”

Fifty huffed.

Unbeknownst to Sebastien his good friend Sinward had been worried about his little chum Sebastien and followed him into the land of Bunker, if at a distance. As he came upon the scene in front of him he growled in righteous indignation. How dare this ‘Fifty’ speak to his friend that way.

That was it. He was taking up arms and going to battle. He charged into the throng of gaggling women who, by the way, were fainting and creaming themselves at his very presence and shoved Fifty.

“Back off you overgrown whipping boy,” Sinward huffed.

Fifty was having none of that and began throwing sex toys at Sinward. It was turning into an all out brawl on a scale no fairytale has ever been witness to.

Butt plugs and ben wah balls covered the ground. Sinward had a lovely bullet shaped mark on his forehead that was turning purple at speed while he was trying to strangle Fifty with his bow tie.

Bored of the commotion around them, and while all the woman had taken up various locations and positions sprawled out pleasuring themselves watching the events take place, both Sebastien and Icy snuck away to a quiet place.

They fell in love over time and settled down in the land of Gchat where they whiled away their days playing in Sebastien’s PJ collection and Icy’s bottom drawer.

The land of Fanfinction would always rejoice to have been witness to such awesome fuckery and such passionate love.

THE END {or is it?

This doesn’t have 5 more chapters and videos to go with it. How will all these BNAs know you love them, unless you profess it? Frequently?

What’s this?

You only have 200 reviews?

No one gives a shit about you.

Now, go find someone who’s actually important and tell them how they are LYKE OMG SO AWESUM!

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You know it’s going to be lulzy when chapter 1 is nothing but A/N and it still has over 4,000 reviews.

There Will be Blood by johnnyboy7

Dear Faithful Readers (who from this moment on, will be called Johnny’s since I’m vain like that haha).

Welcome to a new adventure from my mind and trust me, its going to be a trip.

If you’ve been reading some of my other stuff aka THVC or LDV,

you will know that I am a pretty extensive writer who enjoys diving head first into the lives and characters of my stories. This story is going to be no different and expect long, detailed chapters.

This is a Bella/Edward, ALL HUMAN story and is very OCC as far as the Cullen’s go. I don’t want reviews telling me this because I wrote the story so I know this is going to be totally different from Stephanie Meyer’s stuff. This is a pure Johnnyboy7 creation. Remember that.

We’ve never ready anything like this before!

Also, since this is going to be a ‘life story’, there won’t be drama and lemons in every chapter. Of course, you know I love my smut and drama but it won’t be happening every day.

Life story? More like an autobiography AMIRITE?

Just let the story progress and stick with it. I promise you’ll be on a roller coaster from the prologue.

Well, since you demanded asked so nicely…

Now on to the technical stuff; this story will have alternating Bella/Edward POV’s by chapter except for the prologue, which was just something I was trying out. There will be cannon pairings but like I said before, Edward is VERY DIFFERENT.

Well maybe I should say that he isn’t different but for a human, he can be pretty messed up. Think of him as the closest thing to vampire as a human can be.v

THIS IS A MAFIA STORY.

ALL THE THINGS THAT COME WITH THAT WILL BE IN THE SUBSEQUENT CHAPTERS.

That brings me to my next part of my first of many author’s rants. This story is a very intricate reflection of the underground crime world.

The mob is never a clean thing so this story won’t be either.

IF YOU AREN’T OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE THEN PLEASE JUST SKIP RIGHT OVER THIS STORY AND COME BACK WHEN YOU’RE OLDER.

CAN WE AT LEAST STILL CLICK ON ALL THE OUTFIT PICTURES ON YOUR PROFILE, JOHNNY? OH PLEASE!

This story has blood, gore, violence, guns, references to religion, drugs, alcohol, language, dirty lemonade and so much more. It’s rated M for a reason; very dark themes dealing with the mafia and crime families. I think I use the word ‘fuck’ or some variation of it at least twenty times in the first chapter.

… wasn’t Edward supposed to be VERY DIFFERENT?

Expect lots of Mobward. He’s not a very close ‘Twilight’ Edward. Bella is closer to the books but not fully. Although he might ‘soften’ throughout the story, don’t expect him to ever truly be fluffy per se.

I think that’s all. I just wanted to warn everyone before we get this thing started.

I know I’m sounding like a ‘father’ right now

Is that what they’re calling tools now?

He ends the rest of the chapters in BOLD SHOUTY CAPS, telling the reader what they should be focusing on and worrying about, narrating the rise in reviews, and promoting contests that he REALLY WANTS TO WIN SOMETHING from!

Chapter 13:

AND GOOD NEWS…LEMON COMING UP NEXT! I KNOW HOW PERVY YOU ALL ARE

Chapter 14:

EVERYONE KEEPS ASKING WHEN BELLA WILL REVEAL HER AGE. AT THIS POINT TO THE CHARACTERS, ITS NOT A BIG DEAL TO ANYONE EXCEPT BELLA. EDWARD COULD EASILY GET THE INFORMATION IF HE WANTED BUT SHE TOLD HIM SHE WAS 21, WHY WOULDN’T HE BELIEVE HER? PLUS, IN THEIR EYES, THIS IS A ONE TIME DEAL…AS OF NOW. THE AGE THING WILL BE COMING UP SHORTLY, ESPECIALLY ONCE THE FAMILY FINDS OUT ABOUT OUR LOVER’S LITTLE TRYST.

WHAT EVERYONE REALLY NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT IS WHETER BELLA IS ITALIAN OR NOT. THAT’S A WHOLE SEPARATE ISSUE ON ITS OWN AND DID WE FORGET THAT CHARLIE’S A COP? MY, MY, MY. THINGS ARE HEATING UP.

LOTS GOING ON. HOPE YOU CAN ALL KEEP UP.

Thanks for mansplaining that to us, Johnny. Our minds are just so tiny and insignificant and pervy. It is so hard to keep up with your ignorance intricate reflections of the crime world.

Chapter 17:

ONCE AGAIN, I KEEP GETTING SO MANY COMMENTS ABOUT BELLA’S AGE. ONE REVIEWER EVEN CALLED HER A HYPOCRITE FOR KEEPING SECRETS. GOOD LORD FOLKS, IT’S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL ALTHOUGH SHE THINKS IT IS. I PROMISE THAT THE AGE QUESTION WILL BE ADDRESSED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, ON FRIDAY, WHICH IS A BEAST BY THE WAY.

BUT AS I’VE SAID BEFORE, THE AGE THING ISN’T THE BIGGEST DEAL. DID EVERYONE FORGET THAT EDWARD’S IN THE MOB? MAJOR PROBLEM. I CAN’T STRESS THAT ENOUGH.

IN OTHER NEWS, LOTS OF THINGS GOING ON OUTSIDE OF THE STORY.

SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE RECOMMENDED THIS STORY TO OTHER SITES AND I’VE GOTTEN AN INFLUX OF REVIEWERS WHO HAVE BEEN SENT OVER TO THE STORY. THERE HAS BEEN SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORKS, THAT I’VE DECIDED TO START A BLOG.

With all of your new popularity, intricate plots that we can barely keep up with, and neverending efforts to please the hoards of “pervs” that read you, of course you need a blog! Next stop, COPYRIGHTING!

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Daniellier123 actually twanked herself, something all of us here found adorable, if not terribly self-serving.

I would like to report myself. 9 out of 10 times a day, I twank, wank, whatever you call it. Let’s put it simply, I act like a cunt.

I want to get this cunt-like weight off my chest and confess to you now.

I have made fun of the following fics and authors:

AngstGoddess, but she started it.

Just Wait, including writing out a note on my FB, dedicated to my own fake version of this stories fake ending. I just needed it to die so badly. Sorry.

Hunter Hunting & her damn story. Okay, *both* of them.

Feathersmmm and her Banger Nation, where apparently, no banging actually happens. Not even after 9 months.

I might have called them cunts. I might have called their readers/followers/creepy fans: flap-lickers and/or flap-suckle..ers. When someone noted they should be fucked up their arse with a rusty cucumber (or something) I laughed. Really, really hard.

*hangs head in shame*

I make no real apologies, as I believe all my twank/wank was justified, but hey, I just figured I’d own up to it. Plus, I’m kind of bored.

Anyhow…thanks for letting me show what a douchewaffle I am.

Appreciate it.

We passed all that up, because it’s not really funny to see someone so in love themselves, they scream at every newest thing I AM VERY RELEVANT TO ALL OF THIS!

(Or maybe it is.)

But then Nonnie Mouse pointed out a few fine items that Danieller failed to include in her self-twank report. We figure she didn’t include them for a reason, and we’re hoping it’s because she’s too ashamed to cop to them, though we also know it’s possible she sees nothing wrong with the below.

For those who may be unfamiliar to the long string of wanks of one Danieller123, she wrote The Workshop of Edible Delights and Under the Apple Tree (and other stuff no one cares about). These stories started out on fanfiction.net, but were later moved because, as the author explains, they were in violation of the fanfiction.net TOS.

This wouldn’t have been wank if she hadn’t sprinkled these “blogs” she forced (if they wanted to keep reading, anyway) her readers to visit with various advertisements of merchandise from her own fanfiction.

Hey, since you’re reading my story and love me and my self-proclaimed cuntiness so much, buy this shirt!

You get the idea.

This is the disclaimer from her Workshop blog:

But we couldn’t find anything on her SUPER PIMP ZAZZLE STORE stating that the proceeds go to charity, etc etc etc (like you’d find at myTspot’s Zazzle, though we’re still weighing how twanky that is. At least their hearts aren’t in their own pocketbooks? Ehhh, we’ll see.). So it’s safe to assume that the profit is going straight to Danieller. And since she’s only making profit because the fanfiction has readers, and since the fanfiction only has readers because it’s fanfiction, and since it’s only fanfiction because it has Twilight characters, then… profit is made off her fanfiction. Which is not illegal at all.

The other part of the Nonnie submitted twank was Danieller’s flaming insensitivity when approached about a quote from one of her fanfickshuns, that went something like, “being tighter than a Jew with a one dollar bill.”

Some people I follow on Twitter were upset about it and emailed her. She showed no concern that she offended anyone. She fucking laughed at them.

We didn’t really expect any other reaction, and we anticipate that she’ll enjoy the attention from being twanked very much, but since all of us here hate bigotry like no other, we figured we could save her the self-twank report and send her a big dose of  FUCK YOU.

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