A Nonnie from the Delaney Twank comments linked us this, and it brought all kinds of lulz. It’s a blog from a woman who claims to have lived next door to Robert Pattinson for three months. The experience was so life changing, she decided to turn them into a series of e-books, which you can purchase here for $4.99.
From her website:
Robert Pattinson had rented this hide away apartment in a mountain and I was his neighbor.
Find out what we talked and all the things he did while he was there.
I’ve been talking about Robert Pattinson and this place since May 2009. When I decided to go public with this information, no one knew whom he was until I started talking in twitter.
My ebook came out in January 2010 and now I’m writing my ebook2. What sets me apart from all the other stories on Robert Pattinson?
A copy of an Official paper that I hold from Robert Pattinson. It will amaze you when you read it and it comes with the ebook. I also have a photo that hasn’t circulate in the net yet and you will need my permission to do it.
From her blog:
Hi everyone.
My new blog will talk about the ebook that i wrote . A true story about Robert Pattinson hiding in this mountain in October 2008. I know it has been a while. I’ve been on twitter for the past year. Giving out all types of info on Robert Pattinson. Like. Did you know that his real birthday is on April 5.. not on May 13 and did you know that Robert is older than 24 yrs. old I have lots of info on Robert Pattinson. Exactly what he did in that mountain. What type of music he played. who visited him there and all the mysteries of that mountain that for some reason he altered as soon as he stepped in. You can follow me on Twitter… drkside11…. and you can visit my website: http://www.RobertPattinson11.com you can purchase the e-book through pay pal.
His REAL birthday is April 5th. Amazing.
I have made several attempts to reach all those fans of Robert Pattinson.
This is not a self-insert RPF.
He would get so close to me like he wanted to Smell me and breath me. Some men are like that. They are near a woman and they take a big breath and fill their lungs with the woman’s smell. I’m been dramatic but it’s the truth. Men love to do that and Robert is one of them, with the idea that they are enjoying what they have next to them.
Okay, maybe it is.
as you can see I have several version of this house. I have other pictures. Yes, he was inside his apt. when this picture was taken. He liked hanging his laundry outside in the terrace. In my e book I have a valuable official information about Robert Pattinson as proof with a picture that hasn’t circulate in the net yet.
FINALLY, WE FIND DELANEY’S INSIDER SOURCE!
TO ALL OF ROBERT PATTINSON FANS
I think you might be interested in following me. I am the author of THE DARKSIDE OF ROBERT PATTINSON -secrets…you might ask who am I? well you will see my name if you buy my book. It’s my real name the one that Robert knew when we met. YOU MIGHT WANT TO FOLLOW ME.
I talked to the guy for more than a few minutes. I saw lots of things with him that I will be talking in my e book2. I get a little scared sometimes because .. when I start thinking about someone and no matter how far they are. I start getting into this persons.. well its like a telephone call you can tap in and start listening to his conversations with his brain and his feeling. you can feel the vibrations from them and its sometimes a bit scary, because if that person at the moment is feeling depress. That’s exactly what you are going to feel. It’s very powerful and hard to talk about.
Scary creepy?
Happy Halloween, Twankas!
ETA: A VERY RARE PICTURE OF ROB AND EMILIE
From this blog of hers:
RobPattinson-aka a very rare pic of Robert and DeRaven. They have met way before. He wanted her for the part of Remember Me, they where long time friends. Here in Let’s make a deal.
lol wut?
So. We’re being punked, right?
Thought so.
.
Twankhard 
THAS MAH BOOK YOU FOUND THAR! ME AND RPATTZ R BEST FRANDS! HE TELLS ME THINGS THRU THA COMPUTER SCREEN!
lol irl.
WHY U LAUGH? I’M FOR SERIOUS. I SPIED ON HIM THRU MY HIDEYHOLE AND WE HAVE PSYCHIC CONEXION ‘CAUSE HE INHALED MY SMELL. MEN LIKE THAT, U KNOW? I KNOW A LOT ABOUT MEN. FOR AN ADDITIONAL $2 U CAN GET MY BOOK “THE SECRETS MAN HAVE AND WOMAN WANT TO KNOW.”
U LAUGH NOW, BUT U R JEALOUS ‘CAUSE WE COMMUNICATE THRU VIBRATIONS AND ALSO BEATLES SONGS. U WILL SEE.
U WILL ALL SEE.
Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LMFAO!!!
I think I’ll pass. I’d rather spend $4.99 on pencils to shove in my eyes.
Now, what kind of idiot would actually buy that shit? I spose the same idiots that buy tabloids and read them as gospel … *sigh*
Lots of fruit cakes out there.
If only they were actually fruit cake. Then we could just give them people we don’t like for the holidays.
“If only they were actually fruit cake. Then we could just give them people we don’t like for the holidays.”
OMG, I just laughed so hard my Hansen’s soda came out my nose.
OIC, U R SKECTICAL. I UNDERSTANDS. I WAS SKECTICAL WHEN I MADE UP… I MEAN WHEN IT HAPPENED. I WAS SKECTICAL WHEN IT HAPPENED, BUT NOW I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. BUY MY BOOK, AND YOU WILL BELIEVE IN THE MIRACLE THAT IS ROBERT THOMAS PATTINSON, TOO.
/End scene and cut to commercial break
I bet once you fork over the $4.99 for the book, you get a gif of this nutbar laughing at you for being so gullible.
You know there are 12 year olds out there that stole their moms Amex card to buy it.
There are so many infected with cray-cray syndrome in this fandom, it astounds me.
And amuses me.
And scares me.
When I saw she is selling the ebook for $4.99, I wondered if Omnific is selling it. No joke. I did.
hahahahah, that was my first thought too!
When I saw she is selling the ebook for $4.99, I wondered if Omnific is selling it. No joke. I did.
*snickers*
I did too! That’s sad isn’t it?
Run the fuck away, Rob Pattinson. Hide.
Sadly I think the pic of Buffalo Bill is appropriate.
Krazy.
Did anyone give you her twitter too? It’s also full of lulz.This one has her own wing in the Twi-loony facility.
tweeter: http://twitter.com/Drkside11
My bad..you already had it. should click all links before commenting 😀
Uhh? Ok. I am very “skectical”!
I am seriously frightened. And skectical.
Another epc post..y’all are on a roll!
Jayzuz Christ! Just when I think I’ve heard it all, a new brand of crazy is revealed.
I too, am skectical.
*thought
I’m not just concerned for her obvious lack of mental faculties but that of the 3k+ that are following her crazy ass.
As long as you’re hitting up the crazy from sites and non Fanfic people. How about Twifans and Alison with her epic wank talking about MotU at the ‘Meet Stephenie Meyer’ brunch.
Tell me moar!
O M G
that is all
oh and well lulz 🙂
Okay, first this:
“He would get so close to me like he wanted to Smell me and breath me. Some men are like that. They are near a woman and they take a big breath and fill their lungs with the woman’s smell. I’m been dramatic but it’s the truth. Men love to do that and Robert is one of them, with the idea that they are enjoying what they have next to them.”
*blinks rapidly*
And then this:
“I talked to the guy for more than a few minutes. I saw lots of things with him that I will be talking in my e book2. I get a little scared sometimes because .. when I start thinking about someone and no matter how far they are. I start getting into this persons.. well its like a telephone call you can tap in and start listening to his conversations with his brain and his feeling. you can feel the vibrations from them and its sometimes a bit scary, because if that person at the moment is feeling depress. That’s exactly what you are going to feel. It’s very powerful and hard to talk about.”
So…talking to the poor guy for “more than a few minutes” equates to seeing “lots of things with him”? Maybe she meant that they both SEPARATELY saw the same fucking mountain (if you give her the benefit of the doubt and believe they shared the same mountain, of course). And she could “feel the vibrations”??? I’d be fucking scared too if I felt vibrations coming from someone.
Silence of the Lambs FTW. Cray to the cray to the cray times PI.
Okay, hold up. Someone clue me in here. I just went to this nut sac’s site, and I do not understand this (among other things):
“E-online doesn’t know it and will be talking about it after
you read it and I gave Ted Casablanca a lot of chances.”
Who the fuck is Ted Casablanca???
He does the celebrity gossip for E! Man, I would love (but not really … well, mainly for lol’ing) to see the cray-cray messages he must get from the nutters.
lol. omg. i WISH there was a way to see that man’s inbox.
….though, I guess you could just look at the comments on his column if you want just a taste.
ikr? the blind vices alone make me shiver at the sheer stupidity of some people.
oops… I meant to say “bitch backs.” Everything in his columns kind of blurs into one giant clusterfuck against my brain. I don’t know why I subject myself to it, but every once in awhile I have the stupid compulsion to read Ted’s column. Maybe it’s my purgatory.
I always pegged this nutjob as a “he,” and by the pic of the house posted on the blog it looks like it’s from somewhere in South America. His plastic surgery stories give me the lulz.
You nailed it with the Silence of the Lambs reference.
It rubs the lotion on itself it does as it is told.
I just glanced at her twitter. It says, “people have lost their writing with a pen skills”
But if you read her other tweets you see that she really doesn’t have writing with a brain skills either.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
This is possibly the funniest/cleverest comment ever. Seriously, I had to put on my thinking with a brain skills, and I lol’d. I lol’d so much. Thank you!
Yeah, okay… I’ve seen it all now. The goodies we “readers” would get when we buy the book via robertpattinson411.blogspot.com:
Chap1 The beginning, Things that lived in Roberts room before he moved in, the young couple with scopions in their home, other animals. <–The things that lived in his room???
Chap2 Busy days and scary nights, all those bubbles, Robert Confinement, How I met Robert , the conversation <– Yes, bubbles, people. BUBBLES.
Chap 3. The twist, when he gave me the money, his eating and his problem with eating, the talks from my balcony, Trips to the city, coming back from the city at night.
Chap4 Things keep happening, The Benedict Arnold. The Ghost, what people might think, His first shower in the apartment, another thump, this time he made a comment. <– "Another 'thump'"…um, is that her code word for S-E-X? Did he give her The Benedict Arnold? The questions…the questions…
Chap5 the people I met while Robert was living there. Q n A <– Ah yes, like Harold, the 7-Eleven clerk.
Chapt 6 His physical little problem, what Robert wanted, what Robert did, what men like doing and Robert did it too. <– I can't even…
Chap 7 Remember the visitor? Casa X, more mysteries. <– No, I don't remember the visitor. WTF?
Chap8 Our little feud, The hug. <– 'Feud' is a tame word for GTFO and stop stalking me!!!!
Chap 9 The things Robert did in his room <– Like sleep, I assume…and be stalked from a mountain top.
Chap10 The pink house <– OH!!!!!! So she met John Mellencamp too!!!! I get it now.
Chap 11 my opinion and a bit more, The proof and a big surprise <– He made her preggers?
Chap12 More on Rober Pattinson.
I’m crying!!!! OMG that was fantastic commentary! I needed that laugh, thank you xo
Epic lulz.
I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry or to form a circle of salt around me.
What the fuck?? Oh yeah, i have guys try to “breathe me in” all the time. Like, everyday almost. Totally normal.
(rob, stay away from the mountains for awhile. All of them.)
Only the SPECIAL STALKERS breathe you in. It smells like sparkles and sunshine.
Thank you, Twankhard, for making my Friday ASSUM (sp?) – I’m not down with the cray cray lingo, so I’m sorry.
This twank is just priceless. I like to pretend that people like this do not exist, but they do. They really, really, really DO. *shivers*
I cant believe it, this person is crazier than Delaney
She’s not crazier than Delaney. She’s actually trying to make money here. Selling shit for $ is infinitely smarter than risking your livelihood by getting sued for posting illegal Eclipse pics.
These psychos make me observe a moment of silence for Rebecca Schaeffer.
This.
Seriously seriously frightened…
“He would get so close to me like he wanted to Smell me and breath me” WHAT?!?!??!
I don’t know how Robert can keep cool sometimes…
i want what she’s having…..
ok, mebbe i don’t.
These people make me scared for the future of the human race.
… and they walk among us
This blog had so much potential, but I’m so bored by it recently. Slow week for twank, maybe? Or just not as amusing as it sounded? idk idk. Sparkle of it is starting to seem very Summit-y bad.
Well what do u suggest they twank instead?
getting messages from the T.V. or radio is a common symptom of schizophrenia! I think she needs to get her head checked – Maybe PSYmom has an appointment available
Also, she’s cray cray, she can’t spell, has a book, and over 3200 followers?? The human race is doomed.
holy crap. poor rob. i love how she said something about beginning to talk about him in may of 2009, before anybody knew who he was. ??? (maybe it was a typo on her part, but i’ve been perving over rob since long before then. lol) i’m surprised she hasn’t been slapped with a c&d or something.
welp. I’m bored playing that alter ego now. In my defense, it seemed like a good idea before I was fully awake and had three cups of coffee this morning.
Pretending to be a nutjob is draining. How do these people do it for real? I’m legitimately scared of some people in this fandom.
This post was the bomb. I laughed so hard. Great job. Best part:
“you can tap in and start listening to his conversations with his brain and his feeling. you can feel the vibrations from them and its sometimes a bit scary”
Oh, and, of course:
“He liked hanging his laundry outside in the terrace.”
Classic.
Oh I am freaked out beyond belief. I hope Rob is also freaked out!
RUN AWAY FROM THE CRAY CRAY, ROB! FAR FAR AWAY!
I say we sic the Robsten shippers onto her.
Then sit back with popcorn…
Wow, @Rosesee wrote an e-book? I’m sure it’s super intoxicating.
LMFAAOOOOOO
LMAFO best. comment. ever.
OMG SHE NEEDS TO BE TWANKED! with her fucking ‘twirling’. psychoooooo.
Twankhard you’ve brought us all together on this one. I can’t imagine anyone would deny the insanity this time.
(though to be fair I’m thinking that Buffallo Bill here uses English as a second language so I’ll forgo any lulzing of the spelling). But crazy is universal)
OMG, we have to find someone out there who was actually stupid enough to buy this! I’m almost tempted to buy it myself just out of sheer morbid curiosity.
The author writes like someone who doesn’t speak English fluently. She/he writes like the directions on the back of cheap Japanese products: product not for small children as they may lead product into mouth and stifle so as not for eating.
I’ve been thinking that if we could get a bunch of people to donate 50 cents or a dollar, we could buy this ebook and split it up. But only this one and never any other ebook COUGH COUGH *CHOKE* aHEM.
I always suspected he lived in some cave, now I get proof that he actually lived*in* a mountain.
What a riveting book. Chpt 2, “Robert Confinement.” So he was pregnant after all. Amazing. Chpt 3, “his problem with eating.” Oh-oh, don’t put that finger in your throat, mountain man! Can’t wait to find out what’s “his physical little problem” (ohhh?) and “the things Robert did in his room.” Damn, it’s a bestseller in the making.
From the author’s blog:
I won’t forget that night. He made all kind of noises. His voice at 2am could be carried at least 3 blocks distance and an echo could be heard in the hall. I was in a deep sleep , he woke me up. It was a cold night too and I was very warm under the covers. I don’t sleep in the dark, I tend to see things in the dark, even with light I see things but somehow I manage to keep it to a minimum otherwise I could never sleep, so instead I dream of things that will happen ahead of time. I also have this mechanism that they wake me up before something would happen. (who’s they? its in the book2)
I’d wager a few bucks that “Rob Whisperer” gets inside secrets from her alphabet soup.
I should ask her who is going to win the world series.
she “sees things” even WITH the lights on……lololol.
omg. I’m starting to believe she’s like CRAZY crazy, not just lolcrazy. ruh oh.
and she has how many twitter followers? holy shit.
OMG! This just so made me die! I can’t stop laughing! I agree, I think she needs a white coat so she can hug herself a while. Poor love is so delusional.
More from the blog:
The light in the bathroom was on, so he wasn’t in the dark. Yes, I hear him laugh. I get up and look out the window and I see Fog. This fog moves and travels from the direction that he had just come from, goes down the mountain and starts filling up the mountain. To me its amazing. I’m not used to seeing this where I come from. Then I realize that it’s the second time that it happens. The interesting thing about this fog is that it was behind him and if he would have traveled in this fog it would have been very dangerous for him. Because it’s a heavy fog and you can’t see, not even 2 feet in front.
HE does have to travel a narrow dirt road up the mountain, but the man is drunk so how could he do it? yes, to me is simple to understand, to him he couldn’t care if it was the last movie that he made and dies….
I can’t….I just can’t.
That was like… so deep, yo. How are you not getting that this e-book is meant to be one of the most lauded written works of our celebrity obsessed culture? If you cannot recognize the … genius that lurks behind that beautiful and yet troubled prose, well, I don’t know what to say. I weep for you. I weep.
LMAO, she claims to be the one who started the rumor that he smells!!!!!
“Yes Of course now I can talk about him. The guy that I met in that mountain. They call him Robert Pattinson but to me he’s just plain ___……
Zoltar from the planet Druidia. Zoltar was sent here from his home planet as an experiment on female libidos. That and to implant probes into my brains so that I can detect hidden signals from Verizon commercials. Yes, Robert Pattinson is actually an alien. This is why he has such long fingers and his face is somewhat flat. See? I know the secrets.
There are so MANY things wrong with this! OMG!
This is what happens when you let google translate for you.
There are so many questions unanswered now!
What surgery did RPATZ have?? He’s older than 24? This was AFTER filming Remember me…in Oct 2008 <——(she has a time machine too!)
Boy- I bet Ted is really kicking himself for missing this!!
Ted owns the books. you know it.
Have you guys seen this?
http://robpattinson-aka.blogspot.com/
It’s supposed to be a pic of Rob and Emile De Ravin on some game show.
She claims this was Rob’s audition for Twilight and that this was before he had plastic surgery. lol
This chick can’t be for real? This is all some kind of joke right? I’m feeling a little lost… someone hold me? I’m scared of the minds out there….
Someone stop me from buying this thing!!
I neeed to know…..what does it meeeaaannn???
Someone has to have purchased this thing….one of ya’ll is holding out.
Give up the goods!
Ohhhhh this is a stroll through memory lane. I remember the third world pics, and his house had a broken toilet sitting outside, right?
I’d be tempted to buy it just for the lulz (probably totally worth it) if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m sure my payment details would end up buying one hundred x boxes that would be shipped to some country or something….lol.
hahahhahahahaha: ” Sure people buy my book and they pick on it word by word and then write something about it. BUT MY INFO IS COPYRIGHTED.” (emphasis mine)
It’s a joke, right?
You click the purchase link and and Rick Astley shows up at your door, singing “Never Gonna Give you Up…”
Right?
Please, someone, tell me this.
*soothes Monkey Bum*
There, there, there. It’s just an elaborate Rick Rolling prank. Nothing more.
whew.
Thank you.
I knew that couldn’t be real.
Rick Astley is really Tintin in human form so there’s a good chance that he’ll show up with Snowy
hide yo wife…hide yo kids..we got another cray cray up in this bish!
What the fuck.
The giveaway here….Rob hanging out laundry. The guy has clearly never done laundry in his life.
LMAO.
One weird thing (between all the other crazy, weird stuff) is her (assuming it’s a her) saying that she me Rob after he filmed Little Ashes. I mean he wasn’t that famous at that time, was he? And he really didn’t look much like Cedric Diggory then either… so it makes her/him even more crazy stalkerish for taking notes of some random guy living on her/his mountain….
So we have the trifecta:
1) This chick
2) Squally
3) Delaney
or should it be:
1) Squally
2)Delaney
3)This chick
or 1) Delaney
2)This chick
3) Squally
Dammitt I can’t decide : I say let them all tie for the fruitcake award for biggest Twi fandom loon
IA. And let’s add Rose from RPI to that list. Her post are certifiable, even long before she became a shipper O.o
Please, tell me, who the fuck is Squally? I need to know all my patients. Thanks.
She describes herself as a ‘fan fiction enabler’ and spends most of her time tweeting to popular FF writers about how wonderful they are, how great their stories are and what great writers they are.
She also writes poems and stories about the FF writers and their characters that are twanky to the extreme.
Unclear whether FF writers actually like her, or tolerate her because of her inexplicable popularity, or because they like having their asses kissed on a regular basis by someone who is exceptionally good at ass kissing.
Her popularity remains a mystery for the free thinking, who tend to think she is bat shit crazy and a bit of a drama queen.
Nobody in this fucking fandom is normal anymore. robstens, nonstens, delaynes, psychos that claims to know Robert’s secret past life. All a bunch os psycho bitches.
I think that Robert should move to another planet, it’s the only way for him not to get completely nuts.
I have observed that Nonstens have become the perpetual scape-goats. Anything that doesn’t turn out how the shippers want, they blame the Nonstens.
I would like a specific example that shows the Nonnies are “Psycho bitches”.
GO!
I am just a nurse, I don’t have permission to give details about the patients. Only the doctor.
On the serious but not tip, I’m confused. Is “nonnie” a nickname for all of the aNONymous people up in this thread or Team Nonsten? I think I’ve been using it wrong. 🙂
Ahem… I feel song bustin’ loose from the bowels of my soul. Yes. That’s where my music comes from. This song is not meant to offend the Robsten/Nonsten camps. I’m just having a bit of fun because it’s not that serious, and we all need to laugh at ourselves and each other or else we’re all Psycho Bitches. Thanks for the entertainment this week, and before you start, when I’m goofing off, it does not take me long to write. If only I could write things as quickly, when I’m writing seriously. Welp, it’s no “love comes in spurts (little spurts),” but I only wrote it in 10 minutes. Forgive me. I cannot stop what I do.
*beat boxes*
Shippers blame the Nonstens
Nonstens blame the Shippers
It’s all kind of lame,
but it beats watching Flipper.
Even when they’re angry
I’m always sittin’ pretty
in my parents’ basement
because I do not pay rent.
Chorus:
(Psycho bitches on the internet,
Who are they?
Can they have respect?
Psycho bitches on the internet,
making assumptions
because they have no net.)
My real friends would think it’s silly
but this fandom’s my Free Willy
even when it’s all Rambo Rocky.
I know it’s not really a show
but at least I’m not slappin’ hos.
[and then back to the top to repeat/end on chorus]
THIS IS AN AMAAAAZED PRODUCTION COMING TO YOU GALAXYWIDE BISHES! © 2010-INFINITY AND MOTHERFUCKING BEYOND. I’M OUTTA HERE! PEACE!
These e-books sound about as interesting as watching paint dry. Or grass grow.
Somebody *coughthewriter* needs to check into a special facility and/or get a real life.
Twankhard is the best medicine for insanity, the cure is to make fun of all this bullshit and laugh.
Now you need to pay me for the advertising. Thanks.
I enjoyed so much your comments.. Even if they where a little out of wack.
I read somewhere that when people insult you on your work. You must be doing something right. I will keep up the good work. Don’t worry I’m not insulted. It’s the internet that makes people be like that.
I don’t keep count of the sale of my ebook paypal does. But I think I’m able to pay some bills each month with the sell of the ebook. I haven’t had one negative comment from the people that bought the ebook. They only want to know when I’m coming out with ebook 2. Yes there is more on Robert Pattinson lots more. that was just an experiment on how much people are hungry for info on Robert Pattinson and yes. I can’t get sued when what I talk about its the truth. He won’t even deny it. Hold on to those pics cause they are the real place where we lived. No 2 ways about it . The author of The Darkside of Robert Pattinson-secrets.